FOUR years ago, my baby son died. He was just five weeks old, and it devastated me and my husband. To this day, I blame myself for not doing more to prevent it. After his funeral, I threw myself in work, working long hours and accepting every project that required me to be away from home. Anything that would get me away from having to see the place where it happened.
My husband did what he could to help, but I pushed him away. I was just too wrapped up in my own hurt to let him get close. In time, he turned to a friend for support, which, inevitably I suppose, led to an affair – my fault again.
To his credit, he came clean almost straight away and promised it would ever happen again. This helped me snap out of my own misery and with the help of a good counsellor, we were able to repair our marriage. The counsellor helped me to see that I couldn’t go on as I had been, and earlier this year I gave birth to a lovely baby daughter, who we both love tremendously.
My problem now is that I watch her every moment of the day and get very little sleep at night, preferring to sit guard over her in her room. For some reason, I have also started to worry about my husband’s affair again. Every time he leaves for work, I think he is going to see the woman, and if he’s late home, I convince myself he’s been with her.
I’ve told him what I am feeling, and he has assured me that nothing is going on, so why can’t I let this go? I’m a mess at the moment and wish I could just crawl into a hole and sleep it all away.
WS
FIONA SAYS: Your last comment is very telling in that sleep seems to be what you crave. This is not surprising, if you are spending every waking moment, and most of the night, standing guard over your daughter. Prolonged lack of sleep will play havoc with your mental and physical wellbeing. It also risks seriously damaging your health if not addressed quickly, and could also be making worse a possible case of post-natal depression.
Do please arrange to see your doctor as soon as possible.
Help is available, and you’ll be in a much better position to manage the other stresses that are happening once this is under control.
You seem to blame yourself for much of what has happened over the past four years – and that is just not fair. The death of your baby was almost certainly beyond your control, and the effect that had on you and your husband certainly isn’t your fault either. You’ve taken some serious knocks and experienced some serious emotional turmoil, but you’ve also shown that you can recover and rebuild your life.
You’ve done this once, so I am sure that you and your husband can do it again. If it seems too difficult to do alone, it may be a good idea to get back in touch with the counsellor who helped you before. They should be able to help you gain some perspective on the guilt, insecurity, and fear that you are feeling. I’m sure your husband is worried about you too. You need help, please do reach out for it.
MY FIANCE’S EX IS PREGNANT WITH HIS BABY
I HAVE known my fiancé for only four months. We fell in love almost at once and within a few weeks, had starting talking about marriage and a life together. When he proposed, I was over the moon and could not remember ever feeling that happy.
The happiness was not to last though, because last week he received a call from an ex-girlfriend telling him that she is pregnant. He had been seeing this woman only weeks before he met me. My fiancé says they only went out a few times, that it was nothing serious and she means nothing to him. Apparently, she wants nothing from him either, but felt that as the baby’s father he should know.
She also said she hadn’t planned on telling him until a friend pointed out that he had a right to know. Despite what she says, I am sure she will change her tune when the baby is born, and she will expect my fiancé to help pay for the child. He thinks the same way and has suggested we should simply move away so she can’t find us.
He is worried about it though, but I’m just angry and blame this woman for spoiling the happiness we should be feeling about our engagement. Why would she do this?
LV
FIONA SAYS: What do you mean, ‘Why would she do this?’ She’s done it because your fiancé is every bit as responsible for this child as she is. Moreover, she probably had no idea that he was already engaged to someone else so soon after getting her pregnant. So, save your anger and resentment, because she certainly doesn’t deserve it.
You are NOT the victim – this child is. If the child is his, your fiancé ought to accept that he has some responsibility. The mature, right thing to do would be to offer help, and if that means providing financial support, so be it. The fact he isn’t should be giving you second thoughts about what exactly you are getting into by potentially marrying him.
How well do you really know this man? You’ve only been together for four months. Do you really want to be married to a man whose first response to a difficult situation is to run away and hide? How certain can you be that he wouldn’t do the same to you?
You need to have a clear-headed look at this budding romance of yours and be certain that it really is what you want. His behaviour would certainly sound warning bells to me!
WHAT DO I SAY TO GRIEVING NEIGHBOUR?
I LIVE next door to lady whose husband has just died. They were never close friends as such, but they have been good neighbours and were particularly helpful when I first moved into my flat.
I want to be able to say how sorry I am and offer help, but really have no idea how to do this. Knocking on the door seems like an intrusion and an email just seems too trivial and impersonal. What do you say when someone dies?
DH
FIONA SAYS: Many people feel awkward doing this, but it’s really not that difficult. In fact, you’ve already said it yourself, just say how sorry you are and offer to help. If you can’t do this face-to-face, pop a note or a card through her door.
Say you are sorry to hear of her husband’s passing and that you are grateful for the kindness they have showed you. Close by saying that if there’s anything can do to help, just let you know.
Rather than feel that nobody cares, I am sure most bereaved people welcome messages of condolence and offers of help, even if they are not needed. If you are still uncertain about what to do, CRUSE Bereavement Support (cruse.org.uk) has some useful guidance on their website.
CAM I APPEAL MORNING SICKNESS PARKING TICKET?
I HAVE awful morning sickness at the moment. Driving to work recently, I had to pull over and get to a public toilet quickly, where I threw up, many times. When I came out, it must been at least 15 minutes later, I had been given a parking ticket.
I was still feeling horrible so didn’t try to find the parking attendant. But when I got home later, it just seemed so unfair. Can I appeal it?
AF
FIONA SAYS: Needing to get to a toilet or feeling unwell have been used as the basis of appeals in the past. However, the mitigating circumstance does need to be supported by evidence of a medical condition. If you can get a letter from your doctor confirming that you are pregnant, I think you should stand a reasonable chance of getting the ticket cancelled.
You should a find a section in the ticket that says something like ‘If you wish to dispute this offence…’, then follow the instructions. The process will vary depending on whether the ticket was issued by a private company or a local authority. Which? (which.co.uk) has some useful guidance of completing an appeal.
I hope you don’t have to pay the fine, as it does seem a bit unfair – but the parking warden couldn’t possibly have know the circumstances when issuing the ticket.
If you have a problem you need help with, email Fiona by writing to help@askfiona.net for advice. All letters are treated in complete confidence and, to protect this privacy, Fiona is unable to pass on your messages to other readers. Fiona regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence.
