MY FIRST marriage was a disaster. I put up with an abusive, aggressive man for years, shielding my children as best I could. I don’t know to this day why I stayed with him so long. It might have been because I was afraid how it would affect my children if we split, but a more likely reason is that I simply didn’t know any better.
It took the intervention of a strong-minded friend to eventually make me see sense and get a divorce. After a couple of years, I managed to get my life back to together – that is until I met someone else and got pregnant. My family are all very religious and took this badly, in fact, they virtually cut me off for a month.
I eventually agreed to marry him, more because of my unborn daughter than my family’s disapproval. It was foolish really as I didn’t love him, and it soon became clear he had a gambling problem. This has only got worse in the three years we have been together, to the extent that we never have any money. And what we do have has to be hidden from him, or no bills would ever get paid.
He’s always broke and has tried to scrounge money from my family, including my two grown-up children. I have asked him to get help many times, but he says he doesn’t have a problem. If I push, he gets angry. He’s also hit me a few times.
Through my own stupidity, I have found myself once again trapped in an unhappy marriage, yet for some reason, I am reluctant to go through the trauma of another divorce. I am constantly worried and can’t sleep. What wrong with me? Should I keep trying to change him, or give it up? I am so confused.
BH
FIONA SAYS: Please do NOT think that there is something wrong with you, simply because you’ve had the misfortune of two bad relationships. You’ve been unlucky. This situation is not your fault. What you need to focus on now is why you are so reluctant to end this clearly unhappy marriage.
I do not typically recommend walking away from a failing marriage without first trying to rescue it. However, in this instance, you’ve tried repeatedly to get him to seek help.
Add this to the fact there are several major flaws, any one of which should give you sufficient cause to leave.
You didn’t love him when you got married and presumably still don’t. He’s physically abusive and aggressive, which is never acceptable. He refuses to get help in the face of an obvious gambling problem. He’s not providing a good environment for a young child, and your health is being affected. What is it about a divorce that could be any worse than this?
Also, I appreciate you are worried about the impact on your daughter. I don’t deny that children can be affected by divorce, but I feel your daughter is likely to be affected more by seeing you so unhappy in this relationship. Realistically, there is little to be gained by staying with this man. I am sure you will be better off – financially and emotionally – living on your own with your children.
Finally, you’ve wisely found ways to keep money aside for household bills, but until you divorce, I think you also need to ensure that you are not left liable for any of his debts.
An advisor at your local Citizens Advice (citizensadvice.org.uk) can talk you through what needs to be done to keep things separate.
If you have not done so already, please do also consider seeking some support for everything you’ve been through. You could speak to your GP about this. And domestic abuse charities such as Refuge (refuge.org.uk) are also on hand to help.
CAN’T BEAR THE IDEA OF BEING HURT AGAIN
TWO years ago, my fiancé walked out on me without explanation. We had been living together for four years and had even started to make plans for the wedding.
I loved him and thought he was the only one for me.
He waited until I was away on business for a couple of days, then packed up all his things and left. He didn’t leave a note and I haven’t seen or heard from his since.
I was badly hurt by this, and it was weeks before I could stop crying. It has also left me deeply distrustful of other men, which is a problem because I have now met someone else. He says he loves me very much and wants to marry me, but I keep pushing him away as I can’t be sure I trust him.
It makes no sense really, he’s attractive, successful, and genuinely kind. We have lots in common too and he does everything he can to make me happy. He’s even prepared to chat with my mother – and not many can cope with that.
So what’s wrong with him? Part of me says he’s perfect, but another voice keeps saying, ‘don’t do it again’. I think I would fall apart if someone hurt me like my ex-fiancé did.
AC
FIONA SAYS: In walking out this way, your ex-fiancé behaved immaturely, cowardly and disrespectfully, so it’s not surprising you were badly hurt. It’s also understandable that you might feel wary of another relationship. However, at some point, if you want a loving, trusting relationship, you must accept that this is never without risk.
For example, people are complex and don’t always fully understand their own feelings. These will change over time anyway, even in someone who is certain about how they feel at the outset. Circumstances can change and events happen that may lead people to view their partners differently, or want different things. People change – some quickly, some not – and it’s impossible to know in advance how a relationship will develop in the long run.
The bottom line is, all love is always a bit of a gamble for everyone, but what’s the alternative? Never take a chance and deny yourself the possibility of a loving relationship because you distrust everyone? I am sure some people can live this way, but I sense you are not one of them.
Your new man does seem very keen and genuine, so rather than simply push away, tell him you’ve been hurt by a broken engagement. Explain that you need to spend a bit more time getting to know him. He may find this a bit frustrating but, if he’s as kind and understanding as you say, he should have no problem with this.
Then try not to dwell on the past. Don’t let the actions of one foolish man spoil your chances of finding genuine love. Counselling might be really helpful too, so you have space to talk through these feelings.
MY WIFE’S BARELY AROUND SINCE RETIRING
MY WIFE retired three years ago and has thrown herself into so many things. She’s also been able to do a fair bit of travelling. I have had to miss most of this because I still work and have another three years before I can retire.
It seems petty, but I find myself becoming increasingly resentful of the wonderful life she is having. It’s not helped by the fact I miss having her around. She’s out a lot in the evenings and at weekends, times when I look forward to being with her. I feel more and more excluded from her life and don’t know what to do. Should I take early retirement?
LE
FIONA SAYS: I think you need to address the resentment you feel, or it will fester, so please talk with your wife and explain how you feel. Say you are missing quality-time with her and want to be more involved. Perhaps plan some things you can do jointly. Though, don’t expect to join in with everything she does – some alone time is important too.
Now might also be a good time to start discussing what you can together once you eventually retire. Whether you do this now or later is a decision for you, your wife and a retirement planner. If your employer doesn’t provide this, please consider contacting AgeUK (ageuk.org.uk) for information and advice about retirement.
HOW CAN I STOP MUMBLING?
AT MY last workplace assessment with Human Resources, I was told that I mumble a lot and my colleagues can’t always hear what I say. They also said I tend to speak too quickly.
I have always been low on confidence but having it pointed out like this was really embarrassing. I am also worried that I might lose my job. Is there anything I can do to change?
EF
FIONA SAYS: Confidence can be learnt. There are many self-help books to help you do this, as well as assertiveness training courses throughout the UK, so you should have no problem in finding the help if you want it. Given this, I am surprised that your employer didn’t offer to help.
To show that you are serious about your job and about making some positive changes, it might be a good idea to request a meeting with HR to ask for their support.
Essentially, these books and courses will encourage you to slow your breathing, look people in the eyes and talk slowly enough that you don’t rush over your words.
Do that and you’ll always look and sound confident.
If you have a problem you need help with, email Fiona by writing to help@askfiona.net for advice. All letters are treated in complete confidence and, to protect this privacy, Fiona is unable to pass on your messages to other readers. Fiona regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence.
