I HAVE been living with my boyfriend for five years. I have a senior job in food retail management, earning a good salary, a small but tightknit bunch of friends, who I enjoy going out with to the cinema, plays and sometimes just for food. Given all this, I should be happy, but I’m not.
Although I work long hours, I do all the housework. By contrast, my boyfriend works less hours than I do but does nothing around the house. Even right through the lockdowns, when he was being paid for not going to work, he did nothing except play video games through our TV.
Our diet is rubbish because I am usually too tired to cook when I get home, and as usual, he won’t lift a finger in the kitchen. He also contributes next to nothing to the expenses of the flat, even though I know he earns almost as much as me.
What really hurts though is that he is jealous of everything I do. If I go out, he demands to know where I’m going, who with, and what time I will be back. Even when I go to work, he wants to know what time I will be home – and it’s suffocating.
I have often tried to explain what it’s like getting this interrogation from him, but he doesn’t seem to get it, or gets angry if I push too hard. Yet it’s OK for him to disappear out with his mates and tell me nothing.
He’s like a vampire sucking life out of me, and I know I should probably leave him, but the trouble is the idea of being alone terrifies me. Do you think he will ever change?
BK
FIONA SAYS: Unfortunately, as you’ve been unable to change his ways after five years, I think there is little chance of doing so now. As relationships go, this must be one of the most unequal I have come across in recent years. That said, if you are determined to make one last attempt to rescue it, I suggest you contact Relate (relate.org.uk) and encourage your boyfriend to do the same.
Jealousy is such a strong emotion, often stemming from deep insecurity, and he will almost certainly need some sort of counselling to resolve it. He could do this individually or with you as a couple, but if he refuses to engage in this process, I suspect leaving him is your only real option. After all, what are you really getting from him?
He gives no emotional support but instead creates anxiety, confrontation, anger, and unhappiness. His need to always know where you are and who you are with displays a lack of trust too. He’s freeloading on your income and, on a practical level, seems to contribute nothing except possibly acting as a bedwarmer. Well, a hot water bottle would be a lot less bother and good deal cheaper.
Could living on your own really be any worse than this? You know you can cope; you do everything anyway and if it’s the possible lack of companionship that’s holding you back, get your close friends involved. I am sure they would be willing to help. Then, once you have your own space, you can reset and create a new, happier life.
HOW CAN I GET MY HUSBAND TO SNAP OUT OF HIS LOW MOOD?
MY HUSBAND has always been a moody sort, some days good, some days bad. Occasionally in the past he’s had longer bouts, but we’ve always managed to bounce him back from these. Since the start of the pandemic though, these have become more frequent and longer and he also gets angry a lot.
The last couple of weeks have been really difficult, as he has been in a permanent bad mood. His behaviour has become erratic too. He spends a lot of time on his own, often sleeping for hours alone in our spare bedroom. I am sure I have heard him crying too.
He’s stopped eating with us as a family and when he does eat, he cooks it himself and most of it is junk food. Some days he comes home from work, ignores me and the children, and just goes to bed.
I have tried to get him to talk about what’s bothering him, but he won’t or can’t say. It’s tempting to blame the pandemic for all this, but as it seems to be pretty much over in the UK, I am not so sure. Surely, he can’t still be worried about it. What can I do to snap him out of this?
LY
FIONA SAYS: Covid – and our measures to combat it – may or may not be finished in the UK, but its effects on mental health are far from over. Thousands of people are still experiencing deep levels of anxiety and depression, so it’s not surprising that your husband might be similarly affected.
It’s also possible that the pandemic may only be one of several things that is driving this behaviour – and I suspect it is not something he will be able to simply ‘snap out of’.
Whatever role the pandemic has had, one thing is certain – he is displaying some classic symptoms of depression, and his history of low moods in the past suggests he has always been susceptible to this. For this, he certainly needs help.
Instead of trying to get him to snap out of it, encourage him to seek professional help. Explain that this is impacting all of you, and stress that things can’t go on as they are – there is support out there.
The charity Mind (mind.org.uk) provides support for anyone experiencing a mental health problem. It’s confidential Infoline is on 0300 123 3393 and it has a network of local Mind groups. I would also suggest you encourage him to talk to his GP, who will be able to outline treatments and provide medication if appropriate, as well as referrals for talking therapy and further support.
Mental health problems cannot be ‘snapped out of’ – they need time, help, counselling, possibly medication. Although he’s not making it easy for you, your husband will need a lot of support to come through this. With his past history, I would suggest ongoing counselling after this particular crisis will also be necessary.
DID MY BOYFRIEND CHEAT ON HOLIDAY?
A FEW months back, my boyfriend managed to get a couple of cheap last-minute holiday tickets. It was only a short break in the UK – something we both needed after lockdown, but at the time I was totally swamped with work and couldn’t get away at short notice.
We agreed that, rather than waste the tickets, he’d take a friend instead. What he didn’t say was that this other person he took with him was a woman. I found out and confronted him, but I’m not sure I am reassured by his reaction.
He says nothing happened – she really is just a friend, apparently. That may be the case but, if it was that innocent, why didn’t he tell me this before he went?
WA
FIONA SAYS: I suspect he didn’t tell you because he knew you’d be unlikely to agree to it, or that at the very least you’d have some major doubts. I have to say, it makes me suspicious too that you found out through a friend and not from him. What you do now will depend on whether you’re both prepared to work at trying to restore trust.
You’ll need to explain to him that you feel hurt and betrayed, and that you’ll need an honest explanation if you’re to trust him again. Is this woman a friend of his you’ve met before? Have you seen how they interact with one another?
It might help you to meet her and see how they behave with one another. If you don’t know her and if he’s not willing for the two of you to meet, then your suspicions will inevitably grow.
In the end, if you’re not satisfied with what he says then I’m afraid I’m not optimistic that this relationship can survive if he’s not willing to be honest with you.
WHY HASN’T MY PARTNER GOT DIVORCED?
I HAVE been with my partner for five years. We have two children together, aged three and six months, and he is a loving father to both.
He was married before we met, but he and his wife were separated (they had no children). We’ve had five happy years together, but he still hasn’t got divorced yet and this worries me. Do you think he plans to leave me?
DR
FIONA SAYS: I can’t possibly guess what his plans and intentions are, but if he has lived with you happily for five years, then happiness and contentment could have made him forgetful. If his ex isn’t pushing for a divorce either, then it could simply be something he’s not thought about.
You say you are worried about him getting a divorce, but I suspect what is really worrying you is his apparent lack of commitment to you and your daughters. Have you told him how you feel about all of this?
If he is content with his life as it is, it may not have occurred to him that there’s any anxiety and lack of contentment in yours. You really need to talk to him and tell him how you feel. Hopefully, he will then quickly get a divorce. If he doesn’t, or doesn’t want to, then you will have to try and find out why.
You may not hear what you want to hear, but at least you will then know exactly what is going on, because at the moment all you and I can do is guess at his motives.
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