I AM IN a situation I don’t know how to face, or what decision to make. I am 55, and I separated from my husband after 20 years of continuous abuse. I met my current partner about two months before I left my husband, and he made me realise what had been happening to me and helped me to leave. When we fell in love, he already wanted to leave his wife; he’d had several extramarital affairs, which his wife had accepted, but for various reasons, they never quite managed to separate.
I moved to be nearer my partner and, with a good income, set up a home. For the first three years, my partner lived with me – but my children often visit and he doesn’t have a good relationship with them, so he moved out. He, however, has not separated and is still married to his wife. He supports her financially since she doesn’t work; she’s 62 and has health issues, made worse as their son died by suicide.
This was just after our relationship began and we were still getting to know one another, and both in a lot of pain. He is trying to sell the house he bought for his son, while his wife lives in a rented apartment – but he takes care to see she doesn’t lack for anything. They talk all the time and I know he goes to see her, although he denies this – but they have never really separated, and his family have never accepted me.
We have no mutual friends or social life where we live, and he doesn’t want to know anything about my family, but he does spend time with me and helps me a lot with my home and garden. I used to have a good social life but not anymore. However, I’ve adapted to this.
I just don’t understand why he won’t get a divorce; I didn’t leave my life to live like this and I get angry when he lies to me. The relationship is degrading, and I’ve broken up with him several times, but we always get back together. His wife depends on him economically and emotionally, so I don’t know what to do.
GA
FIONA SAYS: I’m so sorry this relationship makes you feel disrespected, because it’s clear the two of you depend a lot on one another. While it isn’t fair that, after promising to separate from his wife, he didn’t do so, it’s also understandable that he feels a responsibility for her. She’s got health issues and having to cope with the suicide of one of her children can only have made these worse.
You were brave to walk away from 20 years of abuse in your marriage, and you can be brave now. You can either chose to live life on your own, or you can carry on as you are – in a part-time relationship with a man you obviously care about.
What I don’t think you are going to get is a separation from his wife. Losing a child to suicide is a tragedy, and for this to have occurred so soon after you met one another, will have changed a lot for your partner. Whatever he said, or felt, before that event may have gone out of the window. All the things he thought he wanted may have changed, and there is now a very different kind of bond with his wife that will be hard for him to break. Can you understand that – because if you can, then I think there is a chance for your relationship to improve.
What you really need, I think, is for the lies to stop, and for his children to at least show you some respect. Make it clear that you accept him seeing his wife but don’t want him to lie about it anymore. As for his children, while they may not accept your relationship, they should at least show you a degree of politeness. If he has any influence over them at all, he should be able to get them to behave better towards you.
I do wonder why he doesn’t get on with your children – could it be because they remind him of what he’s lost? You are in a relationship with someone who has dealt with difficult times, and so have you. You probably help one another a lot, but if you can’t accept that help on the terms he feels able to offer now, then it might be time to end things for good.
MY BEST FRIEND IS SEEING MY EX-HUSBAND – WHY AM I SO ANGRY?
MY EX-HUSBAND and I broke up four years ago and we finally divorced last year. It was tricky and I can’t say it was amicable, but we got through it and have both moved on.
Last week, I got a complete shock when my best friend t told me that she has been seeing my ex-husband, and they are planning to live together. I am certain they weren’t seeing each other when I was still married, so why does this make me feel angry?
I’ve got absolutely no reason to feel this way. I’m the one who ended the marriage to be with someone else, so why should I feel like this? I haven’t spoken to my friend in over a week, yet the last thing I want to do is damage such a good friendship.
I actually really hope my ex makes her happy – so what’s wrong with me? She’s a lovely person, he’s a nice guy even though he wasn’t the one for me, so why can’t I just be happy for them?
AC
FIONA SAYS: Your best friend was very brave to tell you she’s been dating your ex – it must have been difficult for her, as she probably didn’t know how you’d react. As it was, she was right to be concerned, but whatever else, you can’t be angry about being kept in the dark.
You’re sure she wasn’t having an affair with him whilst you were still married, so it can’t be that bothering you. I wonder if part of you was holding onto the possibility that you could return to your husband if your new relationship failed? Now that he is about to embark on a serious relationship of his own, this option is no longer available. Also, it drives home the fact that your marriage really is now over.
I’m not really surprised that you’re feeling a little put out and apprehensive about seeing your ex-husband with your best friend. However, you may find you get on much better with him as a friend than you ever did with him as a husband. It would be a shame to lose such a good friend over this, so please do get in touch with her.
Tell her it was a bit of a shock to hear her news and that it’s taken you a few days to process it. Let her know that you’re fine now and that you really do wish her well. You may find that just saying it helps you mean it. Being outwardly positive, even when inwardly you feel anything but, can change your mindset. Just keep telling yourself that you’re happy for them both, and it may well happen that you find you are.
If you still feel you need to talk to someone about it, please think about calling Relate. They will help you think about your feelings and help you to put them into perspective. You don’t mention the partner you left your husband for – can you talk to them about your feelings? Jealousy – because that’s possibly what it is – can be a very destructive emotion and you need to deal with it to save it infecting your new relationship.
MY HUSBAND IS SO MESSY
I GOT married nine months ago and as I hadn’t lived with my husband before, I had no idea how untidy he was going to be. In fact, he’s happy living in a complete mess. He never puts his dirty clothes in the wash basket, preferring to use the floor instead – even though the basket is only two steps away. He leaves mountains of papers all over the flat, then moans when he can’t find something.
He was living with his parents before we moved in together, but I had a place of my own, which I loved. It’s really driving me crazy because I have always been tidy-minded and can’t bear living in such a state. We need to do something soon before I really lose my rag.
PT
FIONA SAYS: It sounds to me that your husband hasn’t had to bother much with domestic chores before – I suspect his parents have been prepared to clear the debris left in his wake.
Might it be, though, that this untidiness is in response to what he sees as your attempts to control him? Could it be his small, unspoken rebellion? You’re both adults and it should be possible to work out a compromise here – so talk to one another. Perhaps you can invest in several boxes that he can pile all his stuff into, so he knows where to find it. If that’s too organised for him, how about restricting his mess to just one room? That way you can just shut the door on it and pretend it’s not there. The main proviso to this is that he must promise to keep the rest of the flat free of his debris.
Any marriage involves compromise – you may have to let some of your tidy-mindedness go and he may have to get tidier. Somewhere in the middle will be the sweet spot you can both live with.
TOO SHY TO APPLY FOR A NEW JOB
I AM 25 and have absolutely no confidence. I am so shy when I meet new people that I’m sure they think I’m being rude. Lockdown was good for me, as I didn’t have to meet people, but I’ve been with the same job for six years and I’d really like a change.
It certainly doesn’t look as though I’m going to get much further than I am now, as I’m always being overlooked. I have completed several online applications but I’m so terrified of what I’ll do if they want to interview me, I never complete them. I know that’s silly but what can I do to get around this problem, as my life is going nowhere?
AT
FIONA SAYS: When people are as shy as you feel you are, they are sometimes mistaken for being rude. So whilst I know you don’t intend to be, I think you may be right in thinking people misinterpret you. However, you’ve managed to hold down your current job for six years, so I’m guessing people there have got to understand that it’s shyness, not rudeness, that is holding you back. Plus, in that time you will have gained a considerable amount of skills and experience – and that certainly counts.
While I can see you would love a new job, there’s several arguments for staying put – at least for the moment. You have some degree of security where you are now and lots of people’s jobs are vulnerable because of covid. And perhaps it would be a good ideal to tackle your shyness a bit first? And then think about job hunting.
You might find some assertiveness training classes at your local college, or else could you ask your doctor for a referral to a psychotherapist? You could also consider looking up ‘Assertiveness Training’ online, where you will find lots of courses – read the reviews and ask questions before spending any money though.
Once you’ve learned some skills to help you deal with your shyness, put them into practice – go and talk to your current employer about a possible promotion or development opportunities. If you can do that, you may find the satisfaction you need without having to change to another company right away. If you don’t get a promotion, it will still have been good practice for you for applying for something new.
If you have a problem you need help with, email Fiona by writing to help@askfiona.net for advice. All letters are treated in complete confidence and, to protect this privacy, Fiona is unable to pass on your messages to other readers. Fiona regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence.
