Sleb Safari: Kim Kardashian and the case of the 'looted' statue
CAN we just agree from the get-go that nature isn’t healing? Yes, you can pay £6 for a pint you’ll drink with your coat on and yes you can get your hair cut legally but when you learn that a cruise company has appointed Gwyneth Paltrow as its “wellbeing adviser” then no, nature is not healing. Trapped on a floating sick bay with Goop quackery instead of medicine? No thanks.
And when a chocolate Swiss roll with feet aplenty finds himself before a judge then no, nature is not healing. And when the sky is throwing lumps of ice at you, regularly, in May, then Nature. Is. Not. Healing.
And when you read that Billie Eilish’s new hair colour shade is “butterscotch” then no, no. no.
In an effort to find equilibrium Sleb Safari will no longer describe its own hair as dark brown and instead refer to it as café cortado in winter and iced caramel macchiato in summer.
Do you know what, Sleb Safari is beginning to feel better already.
Now that Sleb Safari has gotten all that off its chest it can turn its attention to an even more pressing matter, that of Kim Kardashian and the ‘looted’ Roman statue.
Kim has been named in court papers in the US over an ancient statue bought in her name which the Italian authorities believe was illegally exported from Italy. Yes, it’s that old. No, it’s not Michaelangelo’s David.
The statue was seized at Los Angeles port in 2016 and the matter was made public after papers were recently filed in a US court as Italy is seeking the archaeological treasure’s repatriation.
The artefact was part of a consignment bought in Kim’s name, made up of “antiques, furniture, and decorations” valued at more than $700,000. Kim is not accused of any wrongdoing.
“Based on the information and scientific aspects the archaeologist provided, the archaeologist opined that the defendant statue was looted, smuggled and illegally exported from Italy,” the claim says.
A spokesperson for Kim told CNN she had not bought the statue and “this is the first that she has learned of its existence”.
“We believe it may have been purchased using her name without authorization and because it was never received, she was unaware of the transaction. We encourage an investigation and hope that it gets returned to the rightful owners,” Kim’s spokesperson added.
Sleb Safari can see how a person as wealthy as Kim could get dragged into something like this, $700,000 of this. Always best to keep it simple Kim and decorate the house from B&M Bargains like the rest of us.
Claudia Winkleman is a breath of fresh air
SLEB Safari has long admired Claudia Winkleman’s outlook on life.
Claudia was brought up in a house without mirrors and was taught by her parents that “the shell is only that”.
“What I look like, how I’ve done my eyeliner – that’s not the shiz, the stuff is the inside, the chat, the brains, the laughs, the loyalty, the kindness, the cooking an extraordinary roast chicken.
“What you look like is the least interesting thing about you, it’s got to be, because it is all going to fall apart, and I hope I’ve passed that on to my kids as well.”
Claudia also told the Women’s Health Going for Goal podcast that she wants to keep channeling Alice Cooper and Gene Simmons.
“I love getting older… I can’t wait to be 50. It’s not that I want time to go fast, but I’m absolutely fine with it, and I’ll still look the same.
“I want to look like Gene Simmons or Alice Cooper, so it’s not like I want to look young and bouncy and fresh.”
Claudia, you’re the best.
Nile Rodgers likes noisy distractions
AND so to Nile Rodgers of Chic fame whose home sounds like an auditory challenge/banned-in-some-countries form of torture, depending on your tolerance level.
“I need a distraction to narrow my focus, so I have televisions switched on all over my house 24 hours a day, creating a white noise in the background,” Nile told The Times.
“The cable company says I have the most TVs in one house – it’s 11 right now – of anyone they’ve ever known, but I just can’t function without that distraction.”
Nile says he falls asleep with the bedroom TV volume “set to the same decibel level as Concorde”.
Sleb Safari is going to go out on a limb here and say that Nile’s friends never, ever crash at his.