Sleb Safari: Denise Van Outen and her bling sling are sitting out the rest of Dancing On Ice

WEEK two of Dancing On Ice and, to borrow a phrase from the ice skating fraternity, the contestants are dropping like flies.

The run-up to the first live show was punctuated by concussion, whiplash, stitches and surgery. One professional ice skater had their face sliced open by their celebrity partner’s skate and another required surgery after what ITV optimistically termed “a freak accident”.

It should come as a surprise to no-one to learn that that optimism was grossly misplaced as Denise Van Outen also scored herself a freak accident by clocking up a dislocated shoulder and three fractures. The full extent of the injury wasn’t discovered until after Denise had danced through excruciating pain in the first show.

"I came off after the show and vomited, and I nearly passed out because I was in so much pain,” she told OK! Magazine.

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Denise has subsequently dropped out of Dancing On (Dangerous) Ice.

“I’m going to bail out gracefully with my DOI bling sling,” she wrote on Instagram/dictated to someone on the Dancing On Ice social media team.

“I’m actually proud of what I’ve achieved (not much, lowest scores so far) . If you don’t mind I’m going to give myself a couple of points for bravery for doing cartwheels on Ice at 46 with broken bones,” she continued.

Sleb Safari would have given her the winner’s trophy as she vomited at the side of the rink.

Denise had battled on after her fall, learning new choreography and saying goodbye to “all my big lifts that I'd been working on for three months”.

“I had a nice big move almost like splits on the ice, which was my ultimate goal but I couldn't do any of it. I was literally clinging on to Matt for dear life just to get through the show. But I think if you look at any of the pictures, you can see that I was in terrible pain,” she told OK! magazine.

"With an injury like this it is too dangerous to go back on. I didn't want to end up on a surgeon's table with pins.

"I obviously didn't know at the time that it was fractured as well, but now it all makes sense because of the level of pain."

The last time Sleb Safari swivelled its eyes towards Dancing On Ice it was to offer the hypothesis that the programme had picked up where Channel 4’s The Jump left off. Celebrity contestants on the bloodbath that was The Jump got so much use out of their E111 that Sleb Safari understands a key part of the Brexit negotiations involved securing an ironclad assurance from the British government that there would never, ever be another series of The Jump.

Here's hoping Denise's trip to A&E was the last in this series of Dancing On Ice and the rest of the show is as smooth as ice.

Brooklyn Beckham's love letter tattoo

AND so to Brooklyn Beckham and his newest tattoo which is positioned directly below the inking of his fiancée’s eyes, on the nape of his neck.

Brooklyn, the eldest child of David Beckham OBE and Victoria Beckham (née Spice) OBE, has added a love letter penned by his betrothed to his tattoo collection.

“My forever boy, read this anytime you feel anxious,” the letter begins.

“I want you to know how deeply loved you are. You have the kindest heart I’ve ever met and hope I never go a day without your love. I think you are so incredible.

“Just know we can get through it all together if you breathe slow and trust. I love you beyond. Love always, your future wifey.”

Touching words and how therapeutic for Brooklyn to have an anxiety-busting message to read that’s so handily located, right where he can’t see it.

Bernie Sanders' mittens raise $1.8m for charity

THIS week’s high five goes to US senator Bernie Sanders who turned that iconic photo from Joe Biden’s inauguration, in which he’s sitting with his legs and arms folded, wearing recycled wool mittens and a brown coat and looking like he’s ready for home, into a fundraising drive for charity.

Bernie raised $1.8m in five days for charities in his home state of Vermont by selling merchandise featuring the much-memed image.

“Jane and I were amazed by all the creativity shown by so many people over the last week, and we’re glad we can use my internet fame to help Vermonters in need,” Mr Sanders said.

Social media funsters went to town with the inauguration and Bernie has turned up everywhere. He’s been slotted into films and TV shows and moments in history and Sleb Safari is here for all of it.

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