EIGHTEEN months ago, I went on holiday to Spain and fell in love with one of the other people in our tour group. I’ve never done anything like it before – I always thought holiday romances were a bit of a joke – so it was certainly the first time I’d ever had a relationship on holiday.
We had a wonderful, passionate time together and when we returned to the UK, I thought that would be it. I certainly never expected to see him again, but he was determined to stay in touch. We met several times and were seeing each other regularly before lockdown happened, but over the past year, we’ve only managed to see each other twice face to face.
We’ve stayed in touch though and had video calls several times a week. I suppose you could say we’ve become serious about one another – I certainly feel as if I love him, but I can’t believe he really loves me.
He’s nine years younger than I am; he’s never been married, and I’m sure he’s going to want to have children.
I’m 41 now and I think it’s too late to start a family. He’s indicated a couple of times he wants to propose, but I keep distracting him as I don’t know what I’d say. I would love to accept, but can such an age gap really work? Should I simply refuse him, if he asks, and let him marry someone younger?
GI
FIONA SAYS: Have you concealed your age from this man? If he knows how old you are and it doesn’t bother him, why should it bother you? There are loads of men who prefer a relationship with an older woman.
You say you’re worried about your nine-year age gap, but there are plenty of women who have partners considerably younger than that. The actor Hugh Jackman’s wife is 13 years older than him; the French President’s wife is 24 years older, and look at Joan Collins’ with a husband 32 years her junior!
As for having babies, it doesn’t sound like you’ve even had any discussion on this subject together, so how do you know what he wants? Thanks to better medical care, women are now having babies well into their forties 40s, even 50s, so it might not be impossible. If you do both decide you want to have children together, just take medical advice first and scope out the options.
I do think it’s something you should talk about before you make any decisions about marriage though, which is the same for all couples. If having children is very important to him, then he does need to be aware of how you feel about it, and that it may be trickier. Whilst you say you think it’s ‘too late’, you don’t say whether you would like to have children or not. If one of you really does and the other doesn’t, that’s something I would suggest should make you think twice about marriage – not your age gap.
If he loves you and accepts that having a baby may not be possible (assuming he wants one), then I really don’t see why you need to worry. If you’re concerned about what other people think about the age difference, then go online and look at all the other examples of women with younger men – there are hundreds, not just the three I’ve mentioned.
If they don’t care and are making a success of their relationship, why shouldn’t you? If you truly love this man, please don’t let something as insignificant as nine years spoil things between you.
MY SON THINKS I ABANDONED HIM AFTER DIVORCE
THREE years ago, I divorced my husband with whom I had three children. The two younger ones – both girls – stayed with me but my eldest, a boy of (then) 15, went to live with his dad.
My ex then moved across the country, taking my son with him. It made things tricky, especially as the divorce was messy, but I’ve managed to stay in touch with my son and he’s stayed here about four times a year since then. On each occasion, he was very quiet and rather moody, but when asked about it he said everything was fine.
On his last visit though – for his 18th birthday – I could see he was stewing to say something and that he was clearly very upset. I tried to get him to talk but he just got angry, wouldn’t say what had upset him and walked out. Although I tried to find out from my ex-husband, he wasn’t much help either. He’s just had a baby with his new partner and they both seem too wrapped up in their own problems to talk about my boy.
My son rang a few days later to say sorry, although he was still reluctant to talk about why he’d lost his temper. He eventually admitted that he blamed me for ‘abandoning’ him. I had no idea he felt this way and now feel so guilty about letting him stay with his father – which was what I thought he’d wanted as they were so close. What do I need to do to sort this out?
TN
FIONA SAYS: Please try not to feel guilty about this decision; at the time it was taken, I am sure you were doing what you thought was best for your son. I wouldn’t mind betting that it was what he indicated he wanted at the time too. Although, he was probably confused too, and has had a lot to process.
I suspect part of the current problem lies with the possibility that he has had too little contact with you since then. The pandemic has almost certainly made this worse, but four times a year really isn’t very much – could he spend more time with you? Presumably, as he’s 18, he’s now finished school, so could he move back to live with you for a while? Might he even want to move back permanently?
The fact there is a new baby he has to ‘share’ his father with will probably also be having an impact on him and making him feel unsettled.
You don’t say whether you’re still living in the same house you shared with him and his father, but if you are, could that have something to do with it? What has happened to his bedroom – have you repurposed it for something else? Have you moved with your girls to a new place where he doesn’t have his own specific bedroom? He needs reassurance that he is loved, and time with you and his sisters to talk about what happened. But do please be prepared to listen to everything he wants to say, without pressure or judgement or making it about you and his father.
He is an adult now, so custody and access issues are no longer relevant – he can make his own decisions about where he wants to live. It might be difficult for you to talk with his father, but if you could have a chat it might help, as he seems unaware of the fact your son has a problem.
Your ex may see this as you trying to blame him so you will have to tread carefully, but if you can make him aware so that he talks to his son more, it might help. This divorce seems to have been very painful for all concerned, particularly your son, and whilst that can’t be undone, that’s no reason not to start the healing process now.
IS MY MARRIAGE DRIFTING APART?
WHEN I got married two years ago, I thought my husband was the most wonderful person I’d ever met. He was loving, kind and supportive of everything I did. We were so happy together, but the past few months seem to have changed him.
He used to cuddle me all a lot but now the only time we are close is during sex. I also can’t remember the last time that he simply said he loved me. Why is he like this now; is it possible that we are drifting apart?
QV
FIONA SAYS: While lockdown has brought many couples closer together, it has also sadly driven many couples apart. Whilst it’s possible that this is what is happening to you, I think it’s also perfectly possible that your husband is simply depressed. That’s something a great many people are going through, as we cope with the pandemic and contemplate a difficult future.
Depression can drive people inwards and they may seem less engaged with others around them. If it’s not depression then it could equally possibly be inertia – there’s nothing to do, so he doesn’t feel like doing anything. All these things can make moods and motivation drop off. I’m sure, if you were to ask your husband how he felt, he would probably say he still loves you and may even be unaware of how much his behaviour has changed. I’d encourage you to try and distract him – he’s probably spending too much time either thinking or doing nothing.
If you can at least get him outside for a walk regularly, it could start to make a difference – fresh air and movement helps a lot. If that doesn’t help, then it may be time to talk to his GP.
CAN I MARRY A MAN WHO BARELY KNOWS MY KIDS?
THREE months ago, I met a wonderful man and we have been seeing each other as often as possible since, mainly at the weekends. Obviously, it’s been tricky and I’m afraid we’ve broken a few lockdown rules, but we’ve grown close very quickly and he has dropped some large hints that he is about to ask me to marry him.
If he does, I think I will accept, as I am sure I love him, but my only doubt is that he hardly knows my children. He’s only met them twice, and then only for a couple of minutes before going out. Do you think this might be a problem?
PL
FIONA SAYS: I am happy for you that you’ve found love with this man in such a short time, however I think you may be rushing things just a bit. Your children have only met him briefly, so at the very least, you should arrange for them to spend some proper time with him.
This isn’t only so you can see how he reacts to them and, perhaps more importantly, how they react to him, it’s also about whether you feel comfortable all together. It’s bound to feel a bit strange at first, so I suspect you’ll need several such occasions before everyone relaxes to the point where they can start to talk comfortably about sharing a life together.
Even if your children warm to this man, please don’t assume that marriage MUST follow immediately. Three months may be long enough for you to know that you have strong feelings for him, but it isn’t long enough to really get to know someone.
I’m sorry to sound a bit negative but a little time spent now, with all parties getting to know each other properly, could lay the foundations of a wonderful relationship in the future. Rush things now and it could all too easily fall apart. So please, spend some enjoyable time simply being with this man and your children and see what develops.
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