IT’S a long time since I was a young mother but I still remember being confused, wanting to do the right thing but sometimes feeling too tired to even think what was the right thing.
The only person to turn to was my mother but she was miles away. Getting across town during the troubled years was dangerous and difficult so I was loath to call on her unless it was urgent.
Even 50 years on, a woman told me of the day she completely lost her reason, as she puts it.
“I left my ‘milk scattering’ pills beside the bed. I was having trouble breast feeding the new baby. I was alarmed when I went back into the room a few minutes later to find they were gone and my two year old was looking very pleased with himself. Had he swallow them?
"He couldn’t or wouldn’t tell me. I was gripped with terrified panic, perhaps unreasonably but my hormones were all over the place and I couldn’t think straight.”
She seemed to be reliving her fear. “I phoned my mum who took him to the Royal. An unsympathetic doctor listened to the problem and said ‘Do you want him to grow a beard or breasts?' before telling her it would do him no harm. I was in a state but my mother was more mature, calmed me down and took over.”
There were lots of occasions when I needed an encouraging word or was just too stressed to cope with two young ones and needed to get my head sorted.
It’s not easy to ask for advice or open your heart to just anyone, even a close friend, so if you’re lucky, your mother will understand when a concern becomes fully fledged despair or the four walls are closing in on you and you want to scream.
In my day there was no Home-Start, an international organisation with branches all over Northern Ireland, where trained volunteers offer a listening ear, practical help, someone who will engage with the children so the mother, or father, can have some time to themselves or can join in the fun. A shoulder to lean on.
Dorothy McMullan is manager of the busy Down District branch which is celebrating its 30th anniversary this year, and she explained that volunteers are carefully chosen and trained, at the moment on a seven-week course via Zoom.
Volunteers will never be on their own; each will have an organiser to consult with if they need help. The organiser can then take over and call on a specific agency to deal with any situation which might arise during interaction with the family – the parent will agree to this beforehand.
Before Corvid-19 every service they offered was person to person but now that’s not possible so it’s virtual ‘face to face’ but still offering vital help.
:: Training is meticulous
And it's essential because the help being given during this difficult period of time is by Zoom, WhatsApp and telephone. You may think you are pretty good at offering advice down the line but you’d be surprised at just how detailed the preparation is and how important it is to understand just how to approach this important task.
Applying to become a volunteer is thorough but Home-Start will guide you through the various forms to be filled in, explain the checks that have to be made, photographic proof required but once through the process training is both interesting and rewarding.
Before lockdown Home Start offered very practical help with home visits once a week where the volunteer supported the woman, or man, by playing with the children, washing the dishes, helping with homework and most of all being there to listen and help sort out fears and problems and being an extra pair of hands, perhaps even going along to an appointment if the parent lacks confidence and would like company.
Before Covid actual playgroups offered structured sessions encouraging the child to mix happily with other children and learn through play in readiness for nursery and primary schooling and a chance for parents to meet and share experiences. However, all that has been put on hold and in place of the physical services there are virtual services, mainly for parents with small children under five.
These days of ‘lockdown’ mean families sharing limited space, no privacy and no safe escape. Many women are experiencing physical and mental health problems, perhaps postnatal depression or isolation, so a listening ear is an important relief.
Apart from being there for the parent and ready to listen to their thoughts and fears, playing with the children is another important aspect of the visit. Dorothy agreed that it’s a challenge to think of ways to keep a child under five occupied but she and her colleagues have lots of ideas to add to your own. Storytelling is popular and of course playing games – Statues, Simon Says and making tinfoil fish, for instance, but there is no limit.
Down District have 60 volunteers, men as well as women, all offering an hour a week for virtual visits with families. All volunteers have certain things in common: they are experienced in parenting, have a caring nature, they want to help others, have the ability to listen without being judgmental, are compassionate and appreciative plus they understand the vital importance of confidentiality.
This is a very much respected organisation but not widely known. If you are interested in volunteering or making use of the service, NI regional office 077 4748 7938 or find out more from Dorothy McMullan at downpatrick@homestartdd.org or call the office on 028 4461 5727.
:: All at sea
The Ocean Film Festival has rolled into town on the crest of a wave. This annual world tour is a virtual event for the first time and available at oceanfilmfestival.co.uk today and tomorrow and again November 17-19. Great family viewing.
