THE clothes-shopping experience in this Covid world means no trying on clothes in fitting rooms in shops. ‘No problem’, would usually be my reaction to this. I was never a fan of trying on clothes when out shopping anyway. I was one of those people who would know by looking at clothes whether or not they would fit me, or suit me. I rarely had to leave anything back.
I use the past tense, because now I feel like I don’t know my body at all. Is it normal to feel like this after giving birth?
Or, is it is possible that I just haven’t found a place where I can stop and say, ‘OK, I’ve got this’.
I see a different person looking back in the mirror these days. I suddenly feel older. I see more lines on my face, more sagging skin. I hear myself say ‘I have just had a baby’ and then I stop myself. She is 10 months old. When does the ‘just had a baby’ token run out?
As my daughter’s first birthday rapidly approaches, I feel increasingly under pressure to lose the baby weight. It’s all I can think about. Even though I see hardly anyone outside my family and work bubbles these days, I have caved to the presumed peer pressure that I should be thinner. I am grateful that it’s not as easy to bump into the pass-remarkable types these days, thus saving myself from further self-criticism.
I was doing OK on the baby-weight front, then lockdown hit. Now, the ‘Neansaí stone’, has been compounded by ‘the Covid stone’.
I realise that people have real problems to contend with at the minute, and tell myself that I really need to wise up. Yet it’s all I can think about.
I convince myself that I am going to lose weight, get trimmer, blah blah blah. WHEN this all happens – because this, after all, is a definite eventuality – I will then treat myself to some new clothes. I mean, what’s the point in buying any bigger clothes now? These won’t be my real clothes, because I won’t be this size forever, will I?
The honest answer is that I just might. What if that is the case?
I see many images other women who have recently had babies on TV and online. All have ‘snapped back’ to their pre-baby body. I constantly ask ‘HOW?’ I find myself examining their stomachs. Hmmm, have they had a tummy tuck? I would never have cared about such nonsense before, yet I constantly compare myself to them. I regularly remember a good friend saying to me that the baby belly never goes away. I now keep thinking that perhaps I have been hit with a double whammy.
Am I adjusting to the post-baby body and am I finally having to accept that I am getting older? Eventually everything gets a little floppier, and heads south – isn’t that the way of it?
This might all be in my head – but I find it hard not to feel judged because I can’t seem to get rid of this excess weight. I chose to unfollow social media accounts of women who were constantly posting before and after photos of their bodies after giving birth. They clearly weren’t having any problems ‘snapping back’ – and good luck to them, but I didn’t need to see it.
Maybe I am jealous of their drive? Am I vain? Is vanity making me feel like this? I have been asking those questions of myself regularly. I would give anything just to fit into some of my own clothes, to feel like myself, instead of inhabiting the same types of clothes every day. At the moment, getting dressed every day is just a mundane chore; it’s stressful. Will I ever get back to the point where I enjoy clothes again?
Above everything else, I want to lose weight to be healthy – being overweight causes health problems.
The thing is, I know what I have to do. I know what I have to cut out of my diet, and I know that I have to do more exercise. Easy, right?
Hmmm. Sleep deprivation makes sure that I crave sugar more than usual and that don’t have the strength of mind or determination to make the healthier choices, despite knowing that I am not changing my situation.
I can’t subscribe to the ‘snap-back’ club so I can only hope for some sort of intervention.
