SLEB Safari doesn’t recognise the person it’s becoming. It’s been ruminating over its pandemic persona while drinking tea and eating banana bread – bought, not baked; life is too short and Sleb Safari’s favourite TV shows too long.
Yes, we’re side eyeing you Silent Witness. Honestly, you need to book a half day off work to get parts one and two of an episode watched in one go.
Sleb Safari queued to get into B&Q the other day. Queued. At B&Q. The indignity. Sleb Safari went in to buy 12 nails and came out with a trolley full of sun loungers, plants, plant pots and sundry unnecessary items which would barely fit in the car. Granted it is a Nissan Micra, but still.
Actually, now that Sleb Safari thinks about it, the second part of that story – the going in for one thing and coming out with umpteen others – is very on message. TBH it was a miracle the dozen nails were bought at all.
We’ve all been in that Sunday queue The one where you message your loved one “I’m in the queue. It’s huge. They haven’t opened the doors yet”. And they reply: “Just come on home and I’ll go later in the week” but you’ve dug your heels in “No. I’m in the queue now, it’s nearly 1pm, they’ll open the doors soon”.
How quickly we came to accept queuing. Anything up to 20 minutes was a breeze during lockdown. And if we did it once we can do it again. All for one and one for all.
Pandemic Sleb Safari has become someone who runs the cordless vacuum over the kitchen tiles multiple times a day. The kitchen is also the home office so there are a lot of crumbs. Tesco, please make your banana bread less crumbly.
Also, Sleb Safari calls a cheery “thank you” to the postman every single morning, whether he likes it or not. Deprived of human contact much?
By the same token Sleb Safari is missing the feral cat which has ‘moved in’ with the neighbours three doors up who took it to the vet and indulge its devotion to tuna. It’s like moving from a hostel to a five-star hotel and Sleb Safari is happy for W the cat. It just would be nice if he visited once in a while.
And you know the way you can set an alert on Instagram so that it lets you know when you’re spent a certain amount of time on the site? Sleb Safari’s had to nudge that limit up and up and up a little more. 14 hours on site, who dat?
The most drama Sleb Safari has had in months was the discovery of a bat in the bedroom last Saturday night. The excitement! The yelps from Sleb Safari! Was the bat traumatised? Of course!
As always, all’s well that ends well. The bat eventually flew out the window to escape the yelps and equilibrium was restored.
So, until next week, let's remember that we are all living in unprecedented times so please social distance, wear a mask, wash your hands, self-isolate when appropriate and let’s keep everyone safe. One for all and all for one.
Jane Fonda shares pearls of wisdom
Jane Fonda – who stars in Grace & Frankie which is one of Sleb Safari's favourite shows because it champions women in their 70s – has shared some great advice that everyone, and in particular women, could take to heart.
Asked by Brydie.com what she wished she could tell her younger self Jane replied: “I’d tell myself that ‘no’ is a complete answer".
Absolutely Jane.
June Sarpong's home is her castle
OVER to June Sarpong who has been chatting to The Times about her new home in Islington, London.
Asked to describe it, June said: “I love nice smelling things like candles and flowers”. Don’t we all June, don’t we all.
“I spend the most time in the living room because it has lovely views. I’d say it’s a combination of Scandi and Jonathan Adler. I like neutral, but with a colourful throw.”
For a split second Sleb Safari pictured Grace Adler of Will & Grace and was most confused.
Cher sets out to save the US Postal Service
AND so to the great US of A where the postal service is in a tug of war and there's only one person who can save it. That's right. Cher wants to work there as as a volunteer ensuring the postal votes of US citizens are counted. Now this is an Abba movie that Sleb Safari would watch. As long as Andy Garcia doesn't kiss her again. Sleb Safari thought he was going to finish that Mamma Mia II scene wearing her teeth. Yikes.
OK,Called 2 post offices In Malibu.They were polite.
— Cher (@cher) August 19, 2020
I Said”Hi This Is Cher,& I Would like to know If you ever take Volunteers??Lady Said She Didn’t Know & Gave Me # Of Supervisor.I Called & Said Hi This is Cher Do U Accept volunteers.”NO,Need
Fingerprints & Background Check”
