Katie Price did not have bunion surgery, ok?
WE JOURNEY to Turkey this week, that well-known hotbed of celebrity dentistry. As well as providing bargain cosmetic dentistry, Turkey offered up Sleb Safari's headline of the month – "Jacqueline Jossa carries out mum duties while Dan Osborne gets teeth done in Turkey" – courtesy of the Daily Mirror.
We're being advised that non-essential international travel should be avoided, but if a set of cut-price veneers isn't essential, then what is?
Dan isn't the only celebrity getting some cosmetic dentistry work done in Turkey; Katie Price has also treated herself to a new set of teeth. The glare of Turkish summer sun reflecting off new veneers must be blinding.
Katie's dental work took place on a recent family holiday on what must have been a really fun day for her children.
"Can we go to the beach mum?"
"No. You can sit in this dentist's waiting room for 12 hours playing on your phone."
The holiday wasn't all fun and games in a waiting room though. Katie had the misfortune to break both feet when she jumped over a wall, or jumped off a wall, at a theme park. She's been told that it could be anything from three to six months before she can walk again and will likely require surgery. So far, so very unpleasant.
Katie chronicled the whole thing – the trip to hospital, the two plaster casts, the wheelchair usage – on her social media accounts, and when someone suggested she was faking the accident to cover up bunion surgery, Katie reacted like she'd been accused of going under the knife to have a tail removed.
Katie went live on her 13-year-old daughter's Instagram account to shut that rumour down because there's nothing that puts out a flame quite like oxygen.
"By the way, someone said on my Instagram "Oh, she has had bunions done on both feet", Katie stormed.
"Well, when I have the X-rays and show you, I haven't had bunions, I have never had bunions in my life."
Katie, do not show a randomer X-rays of your feet. Just take the moral high ground and enjoy the view.
SLEB Safari promised you an update on the hangry cat and it is nothing if not true to its word. The feral feline spent days at the back door, glaring through the glass, hissing through the glass and eating everything that was put in front of it.
Was Sleb Safari a prisoner in its own home during this time? Yes, yes it was. Did Sleb Safari go out the front door and walk round the house to get to the back garden? Again, yes.
Has the hangry cat softened its stance? Sleb Safari is delighted to say yes to that too. It is now just a feral cat being fed by several households and looking healthier by the day. This cat is now on the pig's back.
Fox steals Crocs
AND so to Berlin where a shoe thief is very much in the bad books of one neighbourhood. People in Zehlendorf started to complain that someone was stealing Crocs and flip-flops from their gardens and back doors and wherever else they were abandoning them before entering their home and putting on proper footwear.
It wasn't a 'someone' though. And they weren't 'stealing'. It was a fox and he was confiscating these crimes against footwear. What are Crocs if not hardened Play-Doh?
The fox had confiscated 100 shoes before he was detected. Sir, we salute you and long may you carry out this important work. Angela, this fox deserves whatever the highest honour is that can be bestowed on a German citizen.
The Love Island Villa Pongs
LOVE Island fans, if ever there was a time to be grateful that scratch and sniff technology hasn't reached our TVs it is now. Laura Whitmore has shared a delightful insight into villa life.
"The Love Island villa smells. That's the one thing the audience at home never see. When you walk into a house with that many men and there are only two or three toilets – the smell of fake tan, the flatulence, the perfumes and aftershaves all together is like this eclectic medley."
Yum! Sleb Safari demands that the Love Island bosses urgently commission France's finest perfume house to create Eau de Villa and let's see it on the shelves for Christmas.