Your mum needs to break the vicious cycle with her partner
I'M WORRIED about my niece, who is in a dreadful state. Her husband is a good man and has worked hard to provide for his family. However, he has always stayed close to home and even his job, which he has had for over 15 years, is just around the corner from his house.
Now, his company want to promote him to be regional manager – which is brilliant for him. The new job, which is due to start in a few months' time, will involve a lot of travel around the country - maybe even overseas.
My niece has gone into meltdown about this and cannot bear the thought of him being away. She became almost hysterical with me when I said she shouldn't try to hold her husband back.
I had never realised how fragile she is, but it seems she never goes out alone – not even shopping. She is terrified that if he goes away, she won't see him again. My husband told me her husband had said how trapped he feels at times, but we didn't know what was behind it. Now we do, and while I've tried to explain to her that his job will be good for the family, she is still very frightened.
FIONA SAYS
I am not a medical doctor or a psychologist, but it sounds very much as if your niece is suffering from quite severe anxiety. If she hasn't sought medical help for this, I really think she should. It may be that her insecurity of leaving the house on her own is an indicator of a particular condition that she can be helped to manage. It might, for example, be a case of agoraphobia, but there are several other possibilities too.
Her husband has shown remarkable patience and tolerance if he has lived with this for a long time without help. I'm sure he's been doing his best to help her manage but it would seem that, as a couple, they've avoided taking any action to change this situation. That, sadly, may have helped feed her insecurities even further.
I believe you are right to suggest she shouldn't hold her husband back – there is every possibility that if she did, she would eventually drive him away. You and your husband seem to be very close to her. Could you, perhaps, encourage her to understand that this could be an opportunity to change the way she lives her life, rather than something to fear?
Her relationship is currently one in which she depends on her husband for everything outside the house. She needs to learn she can do things for herself. She also needs to learn to trust him and to understand that, if her husband goes away, it doesn't mean he isn't coming back.
Right now, making appointments outside of our homes is obviously tricky for everyone. Perhaps a telephone consultation with her GP could point her at counselling services she could still access? There are lots of talking therapies that can be accessed online, over the phone or on video platforms like Skype - all of which can be done from the safety of our own homes.
There's also information on the NHS website (www.nhs.uk) about anxiety which may be helpful. In time, I hope she will become more confident, and that he will not feel quite so trapped.
MUM KEEPS TAKING HER ABUSIVE PARTNER BACK
MY mother's boyfriend has been with her on and off for the past five years. He's no good for her – he's threatened her and has hit her but however much I try and persuade her to leave him, she drifts back to him. I've tried to get her to realise that this cannot go on. I've taken photographs; taken her to my doctor; even spoken to the police. Just when I think I've got her to leave him, he turns back up again, swearing he will never hurt her again - and she believes him.
Nothing I say seems to make any difference and I am frightened that one day he will really hurt her.
Fiona Says
Your mother perhaps genuinely believes that, each time she goes back to him, this man will change. However, unless he seeks professional help to control his aggression, the brutal fact is, he will probably continue to abuse her. If she keeps going back to him, he has no need to change; it's vicious cycle and she needs to break free.
Sadly, there is little more you can do to directly affect her situation – other than continue to offer her your love and support, and remind her people are there for her and support is out there to help people in her position.
Are they sharing a home together? She may be particularly vulnerable at the moment, with everybody shut away in their houses and anxiety levels high. Anyone prone to aggression is likely to be more so when they're frightened and worried.
Make sure she has the National Domestic Violence helpline number – 0808 2000 247 – so that she has somewhere to turn if you are not around. You might find the Women's Aid website (womensaid.org.uk) helpful for you too – especially their article on why women don't leave their partners. There's also additional advice on how to handle this worrying situation.
ALREADY FINDING MARRIED LIFE A STRUGGLE
MY husband and I have only been married a year but already I'm wondering if I've done the wrong thing. Surely there is more to life than spending our entire time (and money) doing DIY? It's either that or we're at work, and we get so little quality time together that I'm getting really resentful. I'd love to start a family, but my husband thinks we need to wait until the house is done and we've paid off our debts. I love him and I know I should be happy, so why am I so depressed?
Fiona Says
You have a lot of good things going on in your life, but could it be you resent the day-to-day routines that have built up? I also suspect your desire to start a family and your husband's insistence on waiting is upsetting you a lot more than you've acknowledged. You and your husband really need to talk and, to do that, you need to find time for one another. No DIY, no working, just the two of you sitting together and listening to each other.
Making time just to be with the person you love is important and a lot of people get so wrapped up in 'life' that they forget this. You and your husband need to find a better balance than you've managed to achieve so far. I hope, over the coming weeks, when you're likely to be forced together even more, you can resolve this. If not, then do please contact Relate (relate.org.uk) if you need help to work things out between the two of you.
I DON'T WANT US TO BREAK UP AGAIN
I WENT out with my boyfriend for five years before cracks started to appear in our relationship. We argued for about six months before we went our separate ways. We both had other relationships but last year, after 18 months apart, we met up – and before either of us could really understand what was happening, we were a couple again.
Now things have started to go wrong again, and he wants to leave. I'm so unhappy because, if we split again, it will mean the past seven years will have been for nothing. How can I rescue us?
Fiona Says
There is clearly something between the two of you that brought you back together, but there is also something fundamentally wrong that keeps driving you apart. I think the only way you have a hope of salvaging this is through counselling – you need to understand where things are going wrong before you have a hope of making things right. If you're not both prepared to go through counselling, then I fear there is very little hope because you've failed to learn from what went wrong last time.
That doesn't mean the past seven years have been for nothing though. You have, I'm sure, learned a lot and will be able to take this forward into future relationships. So, you see there is much to be positive about even though you may be feelings pretty miserable right now.
If you have a problem you need help with, email Fiona by writing to help@askfiona.net for advice. All letters are treated in complete confidence and, to protect this privacy, Fiona is unable to pass on your messages to other readers. Fiona regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence.
