Sleb Safari: Nasa needs astronauts, Kelly Brook need not apply

Nasa is looking for astronauts

STUCK in a rut at work? Desperate for a change of scenery? Sleb Safari has found the job for you – Nasa is hiring astronauts.

Nasa has 48 astronauts on its books and with the Artemus missions to the Moon and a future mission to Mars in the works, the organisation wants to train up the next generation of space cadets. Sleb Safari has a head start already because it’s au fait with the terminology.

Applicants need to meet pretty strict mental and physical criteria. These are some of the questions Sleb Safaris imagines you’ll be asked on the application form:

1 You’ve exercised your G&T lifting arm but what about the other one?

2 And your legs? What shape are they in?

But really, how fit do you have to be to float from one end of a space rocket to the other?

Applications open on March 2 so hop to it; borrow a GCSE physics textbook, hit the gym and change up your diet.

One person you don’t want to see strapped in beside you on the rocket is Kelly Brook. Her digestive system does not react well to dietary changes as Madonna and everyone else in the room discovered at a dinner party.

Kelly and her then boyf, Jason Statham, were invited to a “macrobiotic dinner party” at Madonna and then husband Guy Ritchie’s place. Kelly was pretty excited to be hanging out with Madonna and ditched her meat-rich diet and started following a macrobiotic one a week beforehand to get into the zone.

“It’s all like vegetarian, vegan, it’s very healthy. Lot of pulses, lots of beans, chickpeas, all that stuff,” is how Kelly described the diet on her radio show.

“So I’d known about this diet that Gwyneth and Madonna had been doing for a while so obviously I’m kind of in awe of them, I’m only 20 years old so I want to be like them.

“I’d been doing the diet, probably like a week before, but I’m like a real big meat eater, so my insides were just not liking this new diet – you can imagine.”

The evening started well. The group enjoyed dinner and then retired to the living room where Madonna and Guy were screening the first episode of The Sopranos on a huge TV for “loads of people”.

Over to Kelly: “I remember kneeling down talking to Madonna about something and I just remember my stomach gurgling and I’ve let out the smelliest blow off, like honestly, it was so bad, it filled the room.”

And Madonna’s reaction? “She just kind of , she just turned her head away because obviously it went straight up her nose… I had never ever done anything like that in my life.”

And her boyfriend’s reaction?

“And I just remember, like, Jason just looked at me and was like, ‘was that you?’ and I was like, ‘yes, I don’t think this macrobiotic food is agreeing with me’.”

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is a sure fire way to guarantee you’re never invited back to Madonna’s.



Best Dressed At The Oscars

THE finest guna at the Oscars was that worn by Irish woman Eimear Noone and designed by Claire Garvey.

Eimear was making history as the first woman to conduct the orchestra at the Oscars which have been running for 92 years.

As she strolled up the red carpet in an amazing structured, golden dress, Eimear told Variety magazine that she couldn’t wait “to get to the music part”

“The red carpet is terrifying.”


Alan Titchmarsh: Love Is

ALAN Titchmarsh has always presented as a solid, dependable sort. A man who could plant up your flower bed in the morning and cook a mean roast in the afternoon.

Alan has been married to Alison for 45 years and says that romance is “about being thoughtful” in a ‘making your beloved a cup of tea every morning’ type of way. He’s not wrong.

"I have made Alison tea for 45 years – but mind you, she’s ironed my shirts every week for 44 years, which is the greater gift,” he told Yours magazine.

When Alan found out that the recommended gift for a 44th wedding anniversary was groceries he took Alison to Marks & Spencer and insists “she was happy as Larry”.

“I’m a lucky man, because she’s the most unmaterialistic person I know.”

Sounds like they might also have picked up a ‘dine in for’ as their anniversary dinner when they were there.


Social Media Smut


@kellyclarkson @kellyclarksonshow sorry my hair is in your eyes! I love you!!!!

A post shared by Rita Wilson (@ritawilson) on

Enjoy reading the Irish News?

Subscribe now to get full access