Life

Anne Hailes: Young men feel huge pressure at Christmas but there is help available

Anne Hailes

Anne Hailes

Anne is Northern Ireland's first lady of journalism, having worked in the media since she joined Ulster Television when she was 17. Her columns have been entertaining and informing Irish News readers for 25 years.

For many young men especially, Christmas involves the pressure of stepping up to provide for the family
For many young men especially, Christmas involves the pressure of stepping up to provide for the family For many young men especially, Christmas involves the pressure of stepping up to provide for the family

TIME is a funny thing, it just keeps ticking away. You look forward to something, you can’t wait and the days drag; you dread something and suddenly it’s upon you. Christmas is somewhere in between.

It used to be fun doing last minute shopping and cards could be posted only days before but all that has changed: shopping is a nightmare, parking is worse, the cost of postage is prohibitive and for most of us there is a fair degree of stress attached to the one day which should be happy and reflective. Ideally it should be a time of relaxation but that’s not always possible.

I suppose I think of it from the wife and mother's point of view and all that entails but then I got talking to Neil Mochan who works with Lifeline, the Northern Ireland crisis response helpline for any person experiencing distress or despair.

:: Through a young man’s eyes

He explained that, for many young men especially, Christmas involves the pressure of stepping up to provide for the family, the worry that they deserve more but the money isn’t there, a child’s favourite Santa request for an X-Box just isn’t possible and for young ones it means Santa has let them down.

“They believe it’s just a matter of sending the message and it will arrive on Christmas morning. Brand names are another pressure – unless a sweatshirt has the right logo it’s no use, it doesn’t cut the mustard with mates, so the temptation is to borrow money to fulfil the joy of Christmas.”

Of course borrowing can have consequences – paying back with interest for weeks – and the new year holds the stress of being unable to make ends meet. Of course this goes for women too but Neil focuses on men, especially young men with families.

“Although ideally Christmas is about appreciating the little things, perhaps it’s not too late to find time to discuss the financial situation, to be open about money and how best to manage when the budget is tight.

"I remember writing to Santa asking for a particular James Bond watch. I didn’t know it was out of the question financially but when I got a letter back from Santa explaining he couldn’t get the exact watch but he would bring something else that I would like, I was happy to wait. What he brought was a junior version of the watch and I was delighted.” Very thoughtful parents.

I recall asking for a guitar, waking up early in the morning to see the neck sticking out of my pillowcase. What do you think? I reached for my new guitar only to pull out the hockey stick I need for school. Needs must!

A friend who grew up in Pilot Street had half a dozen sisters and she and they all wanted dolls for Christmas. Most of them got their wish but May didn’t. Her loving father had fashioned weighing scales out of Cherry Blossom shoe polish tins and clothes pegs and the gift came wrapped with a little packet of coloured glass pebbles. She was disappointed but only for a while.

I could just see the scene when she described how she set up the scales on the low windowsill outside the row of houses and began to play shop. Her sisters laid down the dolls and friends arrived and all queued up to purchase their glass beads. There’s a moral in that story.

:: Office party pressure

Neil also talked about the pressures of the office party: “Don’t feel you have keep up drink for drink no matter how much you’re pressurised. Look after yourself because if your head is not in the right place it can magnify the anxiety.”

He explained that there are other dangers with heroin and cocaine being more accessible, again expensive leading to debt.

But how do you say no?

“I would ask young men especially to talk to their parents. They might not like what they hear but support is essential. If not your parents then someone you think will be wise and helpful. Or please, ring us at Lifeline.”

These pressures can result in thoughts of suicide, overdosing and self-harm. Up to 30 local Lifeline councillors are trained in listening without criticism and giving sound practical help.

Neil Mochan knows what he’s talking about. When he was at university he suffered anxiety and despair so he set up a young men’s group called Behind the Mask for those suffering mental health issues. He learned a lot and helped many and today he has devoted his life to Lifeline.

Contact Lifeline on free phone 0808 808 8000. Deaf and hard of hearing Textphone users can call on 18001 0808 808 8000.

Lifeline is available to everyone right through Christmas and the New Year. All calls are confidential, no names need be given and the person who calls can terminate the conversation at any time without explanation or criticism.

:: For details visit lifelinehelpline.info

YOUNG Erin Mulligan got an early Christmas present from her dad when he presented her with Franass And The Princess, a special adventure story written by Belfast man Marius Mulligan, his first children’s book.

“Erin and her friends love it so maybe that is a good indicator," says Marius. "I’ve been pleasantly surprised by how many parents have reading as part of the bedtime routine – the family unit is still strong.”

Marius describes the story as a fanciful account of a day in the life of an eight-year-old girl and a favourite donkey who is kidnapped for a ransom which leads to all sorts of adventures. His bedtime story for Erin is now a fine book which is beautifully illustrated by Rita Pimenta.

:: Available on Amazon and from shanway.com