Sleb Safari: Tina Turner sends greetings from her Swiss chateau
TINA Tuner – there's no need for any explanation between these dashes, she's Tina flippin' Turner – has given a stupendous interview to the New York Times from a prone position on one of the "gilded Louis XIV style sofas" in the chateau she rents, rents mark ye, overlooking Lake Zurich.
Tina was in the mood to share and share she did. By far her finest anecdote concerns the day she met her husband of 30 years. She was immediately attracted to this German executive from the record company, liking his nose and eyes but feeling underwhelmed by his hair. A hairstyle is fixable, she ruminated, and proceeded to ask the record company for the date of birth of every one of its executives so she could check Erwin Bach's astrological credentials.
Finding them satisfactory, Tina turned to him at a business dinner that night and issued the command "I want you to make love to me". And now here they are, 30-something years later, living in a chateau in Switzerland which they rent from a man who lives in their attic.
Safe to assume the attic is a self-contained luxury apartment with views over Lake Zurich, not the unfloored space where Tina and Erwin store the Christmas decorations.
For the record, Erwin is Aquarius.
If Tina doesn't own the chateau does that mean she can't decorate it how she likes? Does it heck.
Chateau Algonquin is all about excess. There's a life-size sculpture of a horse suspended from a domed ceiling for a start, "a sword-wielding pre-Columbian idol" plus "pieces of an enormous shattered amethyst arranged by the in-ground swimming pool" and a rendering of Tina as an Egyptian queen.
Tina and Erwin, whose hair now meets Tina's approval and likely did within 24 hours of their first meeting, moved to Switzerland nearly 25 years ago. Tina has performed all her life, touring up until her 70th birthday, and now she doesn't want to.
In the most boss moves of all boss moves, Tina hasn't bothered learning German because it would mean she'd be expected to join, or even initiate, a conversation. By her reckoning, if people in her company are laughing at something she can just ask her husband to translate. Who else could get away with it?
Tina sounds like she's got it all figured out and after the brutality of life with Ike Turner and decades of relentless performance you couldn't begrudge her this idyllic retirement.
The New York Times notes that there's a sign on the gate of the Tina's estate which roughly translates as 'if you're here before noon, you're wasting your time'.
Sleb Safari wants to be Tina Turner when it grows up. Don't you?
Eurovision NI Awards 2019 Competition
This week Sleb Safari is giving away three pairs of tickets to what sounds like a cracking night out – the Eurovision NI Awards 2019 at Crumlin Road Gaol in Belfast.
The party takes place on Saturday October 5 and promises to "honour the best and shame the worst" of Eurovision acts over the years. Categories include, best song, worst lyrics, worst dressed and the people's choice award which will be voted for on the night.
Performers include1992 Eurovision winner Linda Martin, ABBA tribute band ABBA: Lovelight, drag performer Delishus O’Tool and acoustic singer Shane Sally.
On top of that there'll be a Eurovision themed quiz and a Eurovision disco. Tickets are £20.
To be in with a chance to win answer the following question correctly:
Which city will host Eurovision 2020?
Email your answer to email@example.com and mark it 'Sleb Safari/Eurovision competition'. The closing date is noon on Wednesday September 25. Usual Irish News rules apply.
Belfast Restaurant Week competition winners
The winners of a £40 voucher for Belfast Restaurant Week are:
1 Ann Marie McGarry from Crumlin
2 Laura McCrory from Dungannon
3 Angeline Murphy from Magheralin