Sleb Safari: Madonna - soccer mom by day, Madame X by night

Madonna arrives for a Q&A at the MTV head office in London. Picture by David Mizoeff/PA Wire

MADONNA has released her first new single in four years – and it is glorious.

Medellín featuring Maluma is the song you'll be dancing to at your salsa class before long. The track is inspired by her new life in Lisbon, motivated by loneliness and features her new persona – Madame X.

Madge and her children decamped to the Portuguese capital a few years ago so that one of her sons could attend a football academy. It's the sort of thing Madonna would do while the rest of us would roll our eyes at our child's notions. "You want to be a footballer? Get up those stairs and do your homework."

Madonna says she thought it would be a huge adventure to start life anew in a different city half way around the world, but it turned out to be quite, quite lonely.

"My son wanted to be a soccer player. He was never going to have the right sort of training in America," she told Trevor Nelson at an MTV event.

"We spun the globe and did a lot of research and found my top five academies for the boys to train, and Lisbon ended up being my favourite city of the options.

"That’s how I became a soccer mum. It’s a crazy story, I know, and it’s the last thing I would expect from a controversial girl like myself."

The queen of controversy continued: "I went there and I thought it was going to be super fun and adventurous but then I found myself just going to school and picking up the kids. I got a little depressed."

Sleb Safari is picturing Madonna doing the school run in her pyjamas with a cardigan over the top, then coming home again, having a cup of tea and thinking about showering and dressing, then having another cup of tea instead. Or Madonna, standing at the sidelines while wearing two coats, cheering on her son's team.

Madame X said she knew she had to get out and about in order to make friends even though she's not "a 'go-er out-er' per se".

"I met people and most of the people I met were artists and painters. I started getting invited to people’s homes.

"They had things called living room sessions. Everyone would come and they would bring wine, they would bring food, sit around the table. Suddenly, people would get up and start playing instruments and singing.

"I was like, 'Wait, what is going on here? Artists getting up, not getting paid and just doing it for the fun and the passion?'"

Can you imagine the reaction when your mate walks into the living room and says to everyone there, "Hope you don't mind but I brought someone along this evening. Come on in, Madonna, and meet everyone..."

And in walks Madonna in her fishnets and basque, holding her riding crop in one hand while she shyly greets everyone with a timid wave of the other.

"Olá, meu nome é Madonna."

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is the image Sleb Safari would like to leave you with today.

You’re welcome.



THIS week Sleb Safari has two pairs of tickets to give away to Men I Trust in concert in Belfast.

The indie band from Montreal in Canada are playing Voodoo on Thursday May 9. To be in with a chance of winning a pair of tickets answer the following question correctly:

What are the first names of the three band members?

Email your answer to and mark your entry ‘Sleb Safari/Men I Trust competition’. Please include your contact details. Closing date is noon on Wednesday May 1.


Lemon Throwing at Coachella

Ariana Grande

Last week we learned that Coachella music festival smells of gerbils and can give you blisters. This week we learn that someone threw a lemon at Ariana Grande as she headlined the second weekend of the festival.

Ariana fans are livid and a Beyonce fan is getting the blame since there’s a rumoured sizable difference in what Ari was paid to headline this year, compared to what Beyonce went home with last year.

That sounds reallllllllllly far fetched to Sleb Safari. Much more likely that it was someone who was sick of the gerbil pong and wanted to freshen the place up with a citrus aroma. Wouldn’t you agree?

Read more: Sleb Safari - Coachella smells of gerbils and gave Montana Brown blisters


Social Media Smut


#TBT This is Kit, Alfie and I after our first read through of S1 Ep1 of Game of Thrones about 10 years ago. KIDZ.

A post shared by Richard Madden (@maddenrichard) on

Enjoy reading the Irish News?

Subscribe now to get full access

Today's horoscope


See a different horoscope: