Life

Ask Fiona: My parents-in-law seem to want my husband to get back with his ex-wife

Columnist and trained counsellor Fiona Caine advises a woman worried her in-laws prefer her husband's ex, and a teen struggling with school stress

Your husband's ex-wife may not be a threat to your relationship
Your husband's ex-wife may not be a threat to your relationship Your husband's ex-wife may not be a threat to your relationship

MY husband has an eight-year-old daughter from his previous marriage. She and her mother have a lot of contact with his parents and often spend an entire weekend there. They all seem very close, and I am sure my in-laws are doing all they can to get their son back together with his ex-wife. Whenever there is a family get together, his ex-wife is always there. I feel that I should be doing more to win my in-laws around, but I work and simply can't visit them that often. Even when I do, all they seem to talk about is what their granddaughter is doing and how wonderful she is, and how well she gets along with her mother. When I told my husband that I am worried his parents are trying to get him to go back to his ex-wife, he said I was worrying about nothing. He says he loves me and has no intention of getting back together with his ex-wife. We've been married for just under two years and I love him, but we don't, yet, have any children of our own. His daughter visits regularly and, if I am honest, we get along great, so why do I feel so unsure about his ex-wife and parents?

EK

FIONA SAYS: You're the newest addition to an already established, extended and, by all accounts, happy family. That can't be easy, and I can see why you might feel a bit resentful of this. However, might it be possible that you are perhaps worrying a bit too much about it all? Have your in-laws been unwelcoming or given any indication that they don't like you? From what you've said, there seems to have been nothing in their behaviour that suggests they are actively trying to oust you. They may seem besotted by their grand-daughter and have a good relationship with her mother, but is this really such a bad thing? I get plenty of letters from grandparents who have been denied access to grandchildren following a messy or confrontational divorce. Would you rather your husband's daughter didn't have the love and stability of such a close-knit family? I suspect not.

You love each other, and this must be clear to your husband's parents and his daughter. So, in the absence of anything clearly wrong here, perhaps you simply need to give it additional time in order to feel more like 'one of the family'. That said, I am a little concerned by your comment that you don't 'yet' have children. Is this an unresolved issue for you – is it something you want and your husband doesn't? If it is, it might explain why you have felt so uncertain and confused about your husband's family. Or, are you worrying about putting your career before starting a family of your own? If there is some anxiety there, then the sooner you talk it through with your husband, the better – because this is not an issue that will simply resolve itself.

You and your husband are in love and it doesn't sound as if his ex is making any moves to win him back, other than have a good relationship with her former in-laws. It might be that you and she could have a good relationship as well and presumably, if she attends family get-togethers, you will have the chance to get to know her. It could well be that far from being a threat she becomes a friend. I get the feeling from your letter that while you and your husband have a good relationship, you don't discuss your deeper feelings with him. If that's something you need help in getting started with, then please contact Relate (relate.org.uk).

Talk to your parents about your exam worries
Talk to your parents about your exam worries Talk to your parents about your exam worries

CAN'T TALK TO MY HUSBAND SINCE HIS LAP DANCER COMMENTS

AFTER breast surgery to remove some tumours two years ago, I have been left with unsightly scars. I found the whole thing traumatic and it shattered my self-confidence. As a result, I cannot let my husband see me naked and when we have sex, I can't bear him to touch me anywhere near them.

Three months ago, my husband went away on a business trip. When he returned, almost the first thing he talked about was a lap dancer who had been working in one of the bars that he and his colleagues had visited. I got angry and told him he was disgusting. He said that I overreacted, but I have been unable to share a bed with him ever since. We're hardly talking to each other now, and it's as much as I can do to be in the same room as him. Will I ever get over feeling like this, or should I leave him?

PY

FIONA SAYS: This is a difficult time for you emotionally, and your husband's tactless story didn't help. However, I wonder whether the root of your problems lie not so much with the disgust you feel for your husband, but more with how you see yourself? I don't know if you received any counselling or emotional support following your surgery but, even if you did, it seems you may need more. Please contact Breast Cancer Care (breastcancercare.org.uk). The charity operates a helpline where you can talk to specialist nurses and trained staff. You can also join a support group or connect with volunteers who themselves have experience of breast cancer. In the meantime, please don't make any hasty decisions about your marriage. Your husband is probably just as confused by what has happened but your letter to me suggests that part of you wants to try and make it work. Tell him that you are getting help and that you would like his support. At the very least, he needs to understand that the scars you carry are more than physical.

WILL HE EVER BE OPEN TO A RELATIONSHIP?

FOR the past year, I have been seeing a guy that I have grown to love. We see each other regularly and he often stays over, but always in the spare room. He went through a messy break up two years ago, when his wife had a string of affairs. Now, although I have told him many times that I love him, he doesn't show much affection. I have encouraged him to open up about his feelings, but he just won't or can't. I know he's right for me but why can't he see this?

RS

FIONA SAYS: Having been hurt badly before, it seems he's reluctant to do anything that might expose him to the same risk again. In time, he will probably come out of this and find it possible to trust someone. However, he's made it clear that that time is not now, and if you continue to put pressure on him, it is quite possible that you will simply push him away. Given this, you need to decide whether you're prepared to back off and wait for him to be ready again.

This could take some time so, if you want commitment and physical affection now, perhaps you need to consider the possibility of looking elsewhere.

Will he ever be open to a relationship? Picture from iStock, Press Association
Will he ever be open to a relationship? Picture from iStock, Press Association Will he ever be open to a relationship? Picture from iStock, Press Association

GCSE PRESSURE IS CAUSING ME SO MUCH STRESS

I am 14 and working through the first year of my GCSE preparation, but I am really struggling. I missed the whole of the first term through major illness and just haven't caught up. The stuff we are studying seems so much harder than last year and there's so much of it. I also find it difficult to concentrate in class and my test results are way down as a result. My parents try to help but this mostly just comes across as nagging. This is really getting me down and last week I had to leave one of my classes when I started crying. Please help.

SN

FIONA SAYS: GCSEs are a major step up from the previous school year, and difficult enough without missing out on a whole term's worth of work. They also create a lot of stress, and if you couple this with getting over a major illness, it's no wonder that you are struggling. Make a start by telling your parents that you are having problems. They may already suspect this – but ask for their help anyway, with planning things like regular meal times, quiet times in which to study, and getting enough sleep. They also like to be needed – but don't tell them I said that! Then I suggest you have a talk with your form tutor and/or school counsellor. On a practical level, they should be able to help you to work up a study plan support your time management.

More importantly, it will give you access to someone to talk to if it all threatens to get too much for you. It will still be hard work and I'm sure there will be times when it seems overwhelming, but at least you'll have support. You can do this!

:: If you have a problem you need help with, email Fiona by writing to help@askfiona.net for advice. All letters are treated in complete confidence and, to protect this privacy, Fiona is unable to pass on your messages to other readers. Fiona regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence.