Life

Sleb Safari: X Factor singer Christopher Maloney’s string of bizarre mishaps

Wildcard, the forthcoming opus by 2012 X Factor contestant Christopher Maloney
Wildcard, the forthcoming opus by 2012 X Factor contestant Christopher Maloney Wildcard, the forthcoming opus by 2012 X Factor contestant Christopher Maloney

DO YOU like being festive inappropriately early? Have you already written your list for Santa?

Despite Sleb Safari’s annual Keep Christmas to December campaign, novelty jumpers are in the shops, the mad neighbours down the road have had their tree and lights up since Halloween and a new glut of celebrity autobiographies are out just in time for you to buy them for that odd uncle you don’t really know.

It’s been a bumper year for celebrity tell-alls.

Oscar-winners Sally Field and Michael Caine have published their life stories, Gemma Collins has told us how many calories you can burn by mooching around regional shopping centres and vlogger Zoella has released a book on how to host parties which includes groundbreaking recipes for sandwiches and mashed potato.

But the book that Sleb Safari wants in her Christmas stocking has true star wattage.

Ladies and gentleman, Christopher Maloney off The X Factor has written a load of sentences and paragraphs and got them printed on actual pages.

But it’s not just any book. His opus, Wildcard, promises to take readers on a thrill ride from his days as a call centre worker to finishing third in the 2012 X Factor and his later stint on Celebrity Big Brother.

 X Factor singer Christopher Maloney once got locked into the bathroom of a Holiday Inn Express
 X Factor singer Christopher Maloney once got locked into the bathroom of a Holiday Inn Express  X Factor singer Christopher Maloney once got locked into the bathroom of a Holiday Inn Express

The 40-year-old Liverpudlian has certainly packed a lot in.

So much so that Sleb Safari has been left wondering if her life has been much too uneventful. Since he joined the celebrity ranks, Maloney has suffered a series of bizarre mishaps. He almost died after he was bitten by a spider on holiday in Turkey (Maloney was on holiday, not the spider).

Then there’s his multiple car crashes!

Confronting a troll who threatened to “kick his nan”!

Having £70,000 of plastic surgery which has left him looking slightly different!

That time the panellists on Loose Women made him look in a mirror!

And there’s more, so much more. Sleb Safari is particularly intrigued by the night he got locked in the bathroom of a Holiday Inn Express while on tour and had to "make a bed from some towels".

The sad part is, given long experience with budget hotels, it’s probable that the ‘towels’ were a tissue-thin piece of cotton designed to remove the top layer of your epidermis and a sad-looking flannel.

But before you immediately place that Amazon order, Maloney warned ‘the lawyers’ may want to delete some of the juiciest nuggets.

He told New! magazine some of his X Factor revelations about “how the process works” may have to be consigned to the waste-paper bin of entertainment history thanks to those pesky legal-types.

The book is due for release on November 21. We can only hope it gets the audience it so richly deserves before someone takes a red pen to all the best bits.

The new Idris Elba doll is woefully inaccurate
The new Idris Elba doll is woefully inaccurate The new Idris Elba doll is woefully inaccurate
The Idris Elba-slash-Ming the Merciless doll
The Idris Elba-slash-Ming the Merciless doll The Idris Elba-slash-Ming the Merciless doll

IDRIS ELBA’S DOLL CONFUSION

Newly crowned ‘sexiest man alive’ Idris Elba has won an even bigger accolade – his own doll. Priced at just £850 you too can own your very own posable Idris, complete with natty waistcoat and matching jacket.

Sadly whoever made the doll seems to only have seen the actor for two seconds in a darkened room. Sleb Safari could have sworn that the figure is actually Ming the Merciless, Flash Gordon’s bitter rival.

It’s an easy mistake to make. One’s played Nelson Mandela, starred in The Wire and Luther and was born in London. The other is a tyrant who rules over the planet Mongo and wants to take over the universe. It’s an easy mistake to make. Pop a red cloak over that waistcoat and no one will be any the wiser.

 Presenter Noel Edmonds is heading to the jungle
 Presenter Noel Edmonds is heading to the jungle  Presenter Noel Edmonds is heading to the jungle

NOEL EDMONDS COSMICALLY ORDERS A TRIP TO THE JUNGLE

Former Deal or No Deal presenter Noel Edmonds will always be one of Sleb Safari’s favourite eccentrics. From claiming cancer is caused by negative energy to banging on about ‘cosmic ordering’ and announcing his plans to buy the BBC, Mr Blobby’s erstwhile pal certainly holds some unusual views.

For years, the ex-Noel’s House Party star has the air of that fella you try and avoid sitting beside on the bus. So it was with great delight that we learned last week he’s about to enter the jungle on ‘I’m a Celebrity…’. Here’s hoping his luxury item will be ‘Candice’, the disturbingly lifelike mannequin he bought to sit in the back of his cab to prevent people from flagging Edmonds down for a lift.

“We know she’s not real,” the presenter said, then proceeded to dress her up in a variety of outfits and set up her own Instagram account. Sleb Safari can’t wait to hear Candice’s take on the whole thing and wonders if it was she who suggested Edmonds should travel thousands of miles away to eat witchetty grubs.

SOCIAL MEDIA SMUT

britneyspears

Every year i come back to this tree. It’s beautiful!

Picture: Britney Spears on Instagram