Sleb Safari: Are Justin Bieber and Hailey Baldwin married or not?

TEN days on and we are no closer to solving the biggest mystery since who shot JR. Too retro a reference? What about, we’re no closer to solving the biggest mystery since Shergar. Still no? OK, try this on for size: we’re no closer to solving the biggest mystery since the Croydon Cat Killer. Wait, that’s been solved? Sleb Safari gives up.

What it’s trying to say is that, at the time of writing, the world does not know if Justin Bieber and Hailey Baldwin have actually gotten married. Exactly, it is a huge deal.

Here’s what we do know. Or, at least, what we think we know. The couple got engaged at the start of July and on September 13 they picked up a marriage licence during an “emotional” visit to a courthouse in New York.

Now rumours abound about their marital status. Here’s why. ‘Sources’ – including ‘religious sources’ – have given conflicting information. Quelle surprise.

Cultivating something special at Flax Lane

Even Hailey’s family is confused. Her uncle Alec Baldwin says the couple “just went off and got married and I don't know what the deal is”. Hailey tweeted that she isn’t married and, to be fair, you’d expect her to know. How and ever, she then deleted the tweet.

Ooooh, murkier and murkier.

The couple are currently cavorting around London where Justin has been serenading Hailey in front of Buckingham Palace because he’s low key like that. How long before the queen puts a stop to it is anyone’s guess. Would Hailey wait for Justin if he was locked in the tower? And might they actually be honeymooning in London? Hard to tell. Best not to ask any ‘sources’.

What we know for sure is that these two are in lurve.

Hailey told Glamour that love is pouring out of her (hopefully someone applied pressure to the wound and got her to A&E).

“I go home, and my mom says, ‘You are just so peaceful, I don’t think I have ever seen you this peaceful’.

“It’s from the inside out, I am in love! That’s what happens. It’s pouring out of my soul, life is awesome.

“I should just bottle it. Like sprinkle it like a fairy. I wish I had dust – The Hailey Dust.”

Hailey, Sleb Safari is delighted for you, truly, but please do not approach with your Bieber-loving fairy dust.

That dust spells danger. It could be a contagion. We could end up with towns and cities full of Justin Bieber lookalikes in tie-dye tracksuits and headbands, casually acquiring then abandoning monkeys and busking at landmarks in their thousands.

That right there is the stuff of nightmares. But you know, best wishes for the future you two!

Keira Knightley hasn't seen Love Actually as often as she should

STARTLING fact of the week time with news that Keira Knightley has only seen Love Actually once.

Quite how she’s managed that is a mystery since it’s on TV at least 12 times in the run-up to Christmas.

There’s only one explanation – Keira’s telly’s gone bung.

Thandie Newton wins Emmy's best dressed

Look at how gorgeous Thandie Newton is in her pink dress at the Emmys. From the train that flows from her neck like a scarf, to the cut, even the Pepto Bismal colour… it was stunning and she looked absolutely beautiful.

Thandie took home the Emmy for outstanding supporting actress in a drama series for her role in Westworld which Sleb Safari has never seen but she plays a character called Maeve so on that basis alone Sleb Safari would have handed her the Emmy.

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