I'M married to a man that I want to divorce. We've been together for 15 years but he's betrayed my trust so many times over the years.
I know he's seeing another woman at work – he hasn't denied it and when I asked one of his colleagues, they confirmed it. I've also found receipts in his jacket for jewellery or gifts that I've never received.
His mobile phone is full of calls to this woman and when he went away on business recently, she went too. At home, we're sleeping in separate rooms and our sexual relationship stopped over two years ago.
We barely speak to each other except when our daughter is around. She seems confused and withdrawn at times, so we try to pretend that nothing is wrong. However, she's a smart eight-year-old and I am sure she is aware that something is wrong.
Last week, I tried once again to get him out of the house by packing his cases while he was at work, but when he came home, he somehow made it seem like it was all my fault.
Then yesterday, I overheard him chatting on his mobile with someone about declaring himself bankrupt, so now I'm really worried about our finances. Please help.
LW
FIONA SAYS: This is a horrible situation for you and your daughter, who is clearly being affected by the atmosphere at home. Children often believe they are the ones responsible for problems between their parents, and this can do long-term damage to their confidence. To stop this from becoming a more serious issue, something must change and your husband needs to understand the damage he is doing to his daughter.
Either your relationship is repaired, or it is ended, but in either scenario you need professional help. If you have any lingering hopes for rescuing this marriage, then you need to speak to a Relate (relate.org.uk) counsellor as soon as possible, ideally with your husband.
If, as I suspect, the marriage has deteriorated to the point of no return and you are determined to end it, you need divorce advice. The best place to start this process is by contacting Citizens Advice (citizensadvice.org.uk). This organisation has an extensive section on ending a marriage, but I think you would be better advised by finding your nearest CA branch and discussing all your problems with an adviser.
I also think you need to do this quickly. If your husband is genuinely considering bankruptcy, this could have some serious consequences for you. If he goes through with it, he will no longer be liable for any debts that you have taken on jointly. As I understand it, this could mean you will become liable for debts, including your mortgage.
I know this must all seem daunting but, if you stay strong and focus on how your life will be better once you are free of this man, I'm sure you can do it.
IS MY SIX-YEAR-OLD SON TURNING INTO A THIEF?
My mother came to stay a few days ago, keen to see her six-year-old grandson after moving to France last year. So far, it's gone well – that is, until I found him taking some money from her purse while she was in the toilet.
When I confronted him, he calmly said that he was learning how to steal things. I got a little angry and told him not to do it again and thankfully, I was able to get the money back in her purse before my mother returned.
Now I'm embarrassed and worried that I have spawned a thief, and feel I need to watch his every move.
RD
FIONA SAYS: Please try not to overreact here. I think your son may have simply been mimicking something that he has seen on television and probably had no idea that it was wrong to do so. It's also possible it's something he's learned about in school.
You've told him it's wrong and asked him not to do it again, so hopefully that should be an end to it. If he does it again though, try not to get angry. Calmly explain that he mustn't take things that don't belong to him and keep repeating this message.
In time, I'm sure he will learn, but if it's repeated, it may be worth mentioning to his teacher as well.
WHY DO I ALWAYS GO FOR OLDER MEN?
I'm 28 and have been unable to have any sort of lasting relationship with men of my own age. I do, however, get on well with older men – usually guys over 40.
The problem is that most men of this age are already married and therefore unavailable. And those that aren't married, or have been married but are now divorced, clearly haven't been able to sustain a proper relationship. This is starting to really get me down and now I'm wondering if I should just give up on ever finding a loving, lasting relationship?
ABM
FIONA SAYS: Well, as a start, you could try to stop making sweeping generalisations about all men! Just because relationships with men of your own age have failed in the past, doesn't mean that all future attempts will also do likewise.
Similarly, simply because you get on well with older men doesn't mean that this will guarantee a successful relationship. So please, stop rejecting men because of their age or previous marital history; all you're really doing is limiting your chances of finding the right partner.
I wonder if you might also be trying a little too hard, too quickly to find a life partner? It might be better to simply look for new friends of all ages and get to know them well before considering them as husband material. If a friendship develops into something more serious, you'll be in a better position to make an informed decision.
I'M CONFUSED BY MY ARTHRITIS DIAGNOSIS
I'm 41 and have just been told by my doctor that I probably have arthritis. I was so shocked by this information that I didn't think to ask any further questions, or query the purpose of the X-rays and blood test that he has ordered for me.
I've got so many questions and worries but my GP is always so busy, and I just don't know who else to turn to for advice. It all feels so unfair and surely, I'm too young for arthritis anyway?
BH
FIONA SAYS: There are many different types of arthritis and some can affect very young people indeed, including small children. Some types are serious and hard to deal with but others can be treated with physiotherapy or medication.
Before you get too stressed by this though, remember your doctor said 'probably' not 'definitely' – so please try not to worry too much at this stage. If you can't shake off the worries, though, make an appointment to see your doctor again.
GPs are busy, but they also understand that people are often too confused to ask questions when first given a possible diagnosis. Arthritis Care (arthritiscare.org.uk) has a very useful website, including a section on 'Do I have arthritis?' I think this would be worthwhile for you to look at.
If you have a problem and you'd like Fiona's advice, email help@askfiona.net
