TWENTY years after Kate Winslet's Rose decided she’d rather see Leonardo DiCaprio's Jack sink into the icy Atlantic and die than share a raft with him in Titanic, the stand-out star of that three-and-a-quarter hour monstrosity will always be the title song.
In the face of global uncertainty and the loss of all feelings of hope and possibility only repeated listening to My Heart Will Go On can fill the void. Google 'Better With Titanic' and see how boring sporting events, Star Wars: The Force Awakens and even the election of Donald Trump can all be improved by listening to unofficial Queen of Canada, Celine Dion, belt out the high notes.
Some performers detest the songs that made them famous – Robert Plant hates Stairway to Heaven; Liam Gallagher hates Wonderwall and Mike D from the Beastie Boys complained that Fight For Your Right (To Party) "sucks".
So Sleb Safari was cheered this week to see that Dion has no such qualms, continuing to sing her biggest hit with one fist held aloft and all the intensity of that tusk fish on Blue Planet II breaking open a clam.
The songstress was a surprise guest at DJ Steve Aoki's set at Omnia nightclub in Las Vegas last week. It all started well with La Dion singing her Titanic hit, dressed in what can only be described as a metallic, ruffled, one-shouldered culottes-jumpsuit, but then dear reader, the horror, the horror.
Aoki decided that the best way to celebrate an iconic song was to tack on some heavy "beats" at the end, which to Sleb Safari's ears sounded like a gaggle of disgruntled geese honking over car horns.
But rather than adopting the foetal position on stage while crying and rocking slowly, Dion threw herself fully into the madness by breaking out a few unorthodox “moves”.
No 'pretending to dance around your handbag' for Celine, instead she dropped to her knees and lay down on the stage with her fists in the air before jumping up and down in a seemingly desperate attempt to make Aoki stop ruining her song.
The event was for charity, raising an impressive $1 million for the victims of the mass shooting in Las Vegas last month. And proving she bore Aoki no ill will for his honking beats, she was later pictured with him in a 'Titanic' pose – with Aoki as Rose.
Of course Dion is the Jack we've all been waiting for. She's the proper hero for our insane, auto-tuned times, a bone fide star who can actually sing and appears to be having a good time doing it.
Sleb Safari likes to imagine how good Titanic could actually have been if Dion had played DiCaprio's role. She could have saved the third-class passengers and reduced that iceberg to cubes with just one rendition of Think Twice. We can all feel regret for what might have been.
P. Diddy: Bad boy for life, Brother Love for a weekend
BEFUDDLING news now from the world of rap. If you were confused by Calvin Cordozar Broadus Jr, aka Snoop Dogg’s, brief rebranding as Snoop Lion a few years ago, then you may need a detailed timeline to keep track of Sean ‘Diddy’ Combs’s list of monikers. The 48-year-old, known variously as Diddy, Puff Daddy, Puffy, Puff and P Diddy has announced he will now only answer to Love or Brother Love.
“I will not be answering to Puffy, Diddy, Puff Daddy, or any of my other monikers,” Brother Love told fans in a video posted to his Twitter account – an account with the confusing handle @diddy
Sadly the name change barely lasted in time for his new business cards to be printed.
Irate WWE “legend” Bruce Prichard, aka Brother Love, pointed out he was the original Mr Love.
In a hard-hitting broadside that must have left the hip-hop multi-millionaire reeling/ mildly put-out, Prichard insisted he “invented and perfected Brother Love. I am the original and you are not.” Take that Diddy!
It didn’t take long for the rapper to backtrack, claiming he was “only playin' ”.
“I didn't change my name. It's just part of one of my alter egos,” he said.
Sleb Safari doesn't like to think what happens when Diddy becomes his Brother Love alter ego but urges him to stay well away from any WWE fights.
Gemma Collins: I'm a Celebrity...again?
IT’S been the question on literally a handful of people's lips – will reality show demigoddess Gemma Collins return to I’m a Celebrity?
Following her action-packed 72-hour stint in the Australian jungle three years ago, during which she wept constantly on a helicopter flight, claimed she had malaria after suffering an upset stomach and complained that walking through woods, downhill, was “the worst thing I've ever done in my life”, rumours are rife that ‘GC’ is set to return to the ITV show.
To be fair, GC sparked these rumours herself by posting an Instagram picture of her suitcase just as the newest contestants were preparing to fly to Australia. Oh Gemma, remember the spiders, the terrible showers, being forced to eat unsuspecting Aussie invertebrates while Ant and Dec point and laugh, and just say no.
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Eamonn Holmes as Donald Trump
