Sleb Safari: Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt's unborn baby already has his own social media accounts
WARMEST of congratulations to reality TV participants Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt who are due a visit from the stork in a matter of weeks.
You know what they say, the couple who appear on reality TV together, watch their career freefall together, appear together on the UK version of Celebrity Big Brother twice as only the truly desperate, truly needy and truly narcissistic do and who are slowly clawing their way back into people’s consciousness together is the couple that stays together.
Long before the Montag-Pratts ever appeared on The Hills a young Spencer showed his credentials by selling a photograph of a possibly inebriated and then teenage Mary Kate Olsen to a photo agency for $15,000.
He still thinks it was a good idea, telling The New Yorker without a hint of irony and as recently as June that “I love truth, and I love honesty. Those girls were acting like Goody Two-Shoes.”
Our protagonists will welcome a baby boy next month and true to form Spencer is likely to Snapchat his way through the experience.
We know this because he overshared about impending parenthood during a podcast interview which was as terrifying as it was prophetic.
The child will, he said, have an iPhone from the get go.
“I’m gonna teach this kid how to Snap when they’re born, like, ‘Put your finger here.’ It’s a new world. You walk around, everybody’s making their own content all day long,” he explained.
“We live in a new world where everyone’s a fame wh**e, so I’m happy to let him be at an advanced level. I would just like my baby to be a professional content maker.”
Reader, it got worse. Spencer says he and Heidi “had to ditch a couple” of potential names for their unborn baby boy because the social media handles were already taken.
Keen to find out what monikers had already been snapped up for Baby Boy Montag Pratt, Sleb Safari took out its magnifying glass, shrugged on its trenchcoat, straightened its fedora and got to work.
If they give the baby Heidi’s surname they’ll have had to rule out Justin, Phil and Matt as first names.
You can add Elliot, Josias, Coach and Ali to that list, along with Andrew, Mario, Mighty and JD who is a lawyer in San Diego.
Frenzy Montag has also been taken which was likely their number one choice.
Sleb Safari isn’t going to lie to you, if the surname is Pratt it’s bad news at every turn.
Simon the Pratt, Young Pratt, Pratt Institute, Pratt and Whitney, Pratt Library, Pratt Centre, Pratt Fine Arts, Royal Pratt? All gone. Even the more sedate names have been snapped up. Out goes Chris because there’s an actor with that name apparently?
Hold the lift, Sleb Safari has had a business idea. It’s going to move to Hollywood and start its own business, the snappily titled Trawling Twitter For Names You Shouldn’t Call Your Baby Because They’re Already In Use and There’s No Point In Having A Child If You Can’t Monetize It.
Celebrity couples, you can reach Sleb Safari by the usual social channels.
High five Nicola Adams
THIS week’s Sassy Lady Award goes to boxer Nicola Adams.
Nicola won gold in London 2012 Olympics, alongside Ireland’s Katie Taylor, which was quite the feat given she had fallen down stairs three years earlier and broken her back.
Speaking to The Times, Nicola said she is driven and competitive and this sassy quote made Sleb Safari sit up and take notice: “If I have a goal, I always stick to it. I don’t let anybody else’s opinions sway me, because even though they might not believe that they can do it, that doesn’t mean I can’t do it.”
High five Nicola.
George Clooney and his vomiting twins
AND so to Lake Como and specifically Casa Clooney where the recently expanded family is spending their summer because why wouldn’t you?
George is prepping for the premiere of his new film Suburbicon and that involves taking his tux to the dry cleaner so that he’s red carpet ready.
"I just have to clean the barf off of my tux," was how he explained it to USA Today. "It used to be my barf but now it's the twins' barf. So it all works out."
The last time Sleb Safari saw George (not in the flesh you understand, in pictures) he was carrying his baby boy and/or baby girl down the steps of a private aeroplane and on to the tarmac at Milan airport.
After he’d finished with the twins he carried his dog down the steps. It was a sight to behold.
George told USA Today about the demands of parenthood.
“Right now my job is changing diapers and walking them around a little bit.”
He said “suddenly” being “responsible for other people” was “terrifying” and described his wife as being “like an Olympic athlete", adding “she's doing so beautifully."
He might be terrified and covered in baby vomit but the Clooney hasn’t lost his charm.
Social Media Smut
Jason Segal is posing in front of a lot of doors on Twitter and either he's very very tall or the doors are very very small