Life

ASK FIONA: My boyfriend picked me over my best friend

Columnist and trained counsellor Fiona Caine offers her perspective on family dramas, emotional issues and dysfunctional relationships. This week: thinking about the past, being used, and an ex that says he’s changed

It's not good to keep dwelling on past relationships – sometimes you have to accept what's in the past must stay in the past
It's not good to keep dwelling on past relationships – sometimes you have to accept what's in the past must stay in the past It's not good to keep dwelling on past relationships – sometimes you have to accept what's in the past must stay in the past

MY best friend has really fallen hard for a guy who works in the same building as us.

She was too shy to chat to him so asked me to get to know him and then introduce them.

I got him to come out for a drink but before I realised, he started coming on to me.

Now he wants to see me again and, to be honest, I want him to see him too.

How do I tell my best friend that the guy she is madly in love with has fallen for me and, what's more, I think I've fallen for him too?

LP

FIONA SAYS: If you have genuinely fallen for this man and he for you, then I'm afraid there is no painless way to get out of a very sticky situation.

Whatever you do, someone is bound to get hurt.

If you develop a relationship with him, your friend will be hurt; if you walk away now then, in all probability, he will be hurt and whatever you do, you will be hurt.

There is a chance your friend will feel you've let her down and, unintentionally, perhaps you have, but she may find that hard to forgive.

The truth, however painful, is probably the best approach.

Gently explain to your friend what has happened and stress that you weren't expecting it to happen. Make sure she understands that her friendship is important to you.

She will almost certainly be upset, but only time will tell whether your friendship is strong enough to survive this.

I don't think there is any need to tell this man how your friend feels about him – they are bound to come across one another sooner or later and it will only embarrass her.

Finally, remember that, while your friend had a strong physical attraction to this man, she hadn't really got to know him.

Had nothing happened between you and him and you'd introduced them, she might not have liked him after all, once she got to know him.

CAN'T GET EX OUT OF MY HEAD

I'VE recently got engaged to the man I've been going out with for the past three years. So why is it that I can't stop thinking about my first boyfriend?

I haven't seen him for seven years and, even when we were together, I don't think I really loved him.

I've tried to concentrate on my fiance but my ex is still there in the back of my mind.

What's wrong with me and why can't I forget about him?

CC

FIONA SAYS: A first love often leaves lasting memories, and I don't think anybody ever completely forgets.

You've just committed yourself to marrying someone, so perhaps it's not surprising your mind is reviewing past relationships to reassure yourself you're doing the right thing.

Rather than fight these memories, see them for what they are – parts of your past that will always be with you and which have made you the person you are today.

Once you can accept this, I am sure you'll soon be able to stop worrying and start looking forward to making your wedding plans.

AM I BEING USED?

FOR the past five months I've been seeing a guy who I only get together with at weekends, and then only if he can fit me into his busy schedule.

If I ring him he has always got something else to do but, when he calls me, I am supposed to change my plans so we can be together.

If we go out together, it's usually with a crowd, then he comes back to my place, but he's usually gone before I wake up the following morning.

There's never a chance to talk and, when I've tried, he says he doesn't want a heavy relationship.

I don't know how long I can cope with being treated like this and wonder if he's just using me?

GS

FIONA SAYS: If it suited you too to have a relationship with no ties, I'd say it was perfect, but it's clear it's not.

He's reluctant to talk when you call him; doesn't listen to you, and his not wanting a "heavy relationship" indicates a reluctance to avoid any form of commitment.

For the sake of your self-respect, this can't go on.

Even if commitment is never going to happen this doesn't excuse him from common kindness and respect.

If you like him enough to give him a chance, then at his next visit explain how you are feeling.

While you may not expect declarations of undying love from him, tell him you would at least like some measure of respect.

If he wants to go on seeing you, he should be willing to be a bit more caring, but, if he's not prepared to change, you need to consider whether this relationship is right for you.

Personally, I'd show him the door.

SHOULD I TAKE HIM BACK?

TWO years ago, I separated from my boyfriend when his drinking and beatings became too much for me to handle.

Now he's got in touch apologising for how he used to be, and promising me he's changed.

He says he wants me back, but he's said that before.

I've just started a new relationship and am not sure I want to give up on it, but I still have feelings for my ex and wonder if I should give him another chance.

I'm so confused; is it possible he's changed?

GI

FIONA SAYS: While someone with an aggressive drinking problem can change, it's not usually without help.

Do you know if he's had any form of therapy or counselling?

I can't know whether he has changed, any more than you can, but if he has made and broken promises to you in the past, I do know he's capable of doing so again.

You need to think this through carefully.

You have a new relationship opening up to you, but it seems you're still prepared to risk everything by returning to an ex-boyfriend who has hurt and damaged you in the past.

My fear is that, like a lot of abusive men, he still has some sort of control over you.

What do you really gain by returning to your ex?

Think about that and also think about what you stand to lose, because only when you've thought through all that can you make the right decision for you.