SLEB Safari hasn't slept a wink since finding out the Obamas are holidaying on Necker Island, the luxury resort in the British Virgin Island owned by gregarious tycoon Richard Branson. Necker Island? The place that should be renamed treacherous paradise? They must have a death wish.
Remember the Necker Island fire of 2011 when a lighting storm started a fire that razed the place to the ground and had guests fleeing for their lives?
The Obamas need a holiday, Sleb Safari understands that. If anyone deserves a week in the sun with pina colada on tap and the new Jack Reacher it's Barack but Sleb Safari would rather they'd chosen somewhere more placid.
Sleb Safari has been plugging away at the screenplay for Necker Island: The Movie and really, really doesn't have the energy to rewrite the entire thing because the former US president and first lady get caught up in some Branson drama.
Sleb Safari has already had to do one rewrite after two of the guests caught in the fire drama fell in love, got married and had a baby. It is not in the mood for a third rewrite.
If you're unfamiliar with Necker Island as a holiday destination it's because hiring it costs $80,000 per day. Sleb Safari did consider it as a wedding venue but figured the guests would get bored being waited on hand and foot, feeding the lemurs Richard had flown in from Madagascar for conservation reasons and playing board games with the Obamas.
That fire of 2011 was a real humdinger. It burned the guest house to the ground and devastated the island.
Kate Winslet was staying on Necker at the time, as were her children and various members of the Branson family including Richard's mum who was then in her late 80s. As legend has it, Fire Officer Winslet scooped Eve Branson into her arms and rescued her from the burning building. Or, in Eve's words, "she just sort of picked me up and took me down four steps and that was it... I suppose I might have been a bit slow for her".
Richard was in a blind panic and ran about in the nude before falling on to a cactus. If you'll be so kind as to allow Sleb Safari to recycle its own joke it will insert: Must have been something wrong with his necker elastic, at this point.
The Virgin boss said the spirit of the Blitz descended as the guests huddled together and watched the 28-room Balinese-style villa burn to the ground while a tropical storm raged around them.
Richard's nephew Ned Rocknroll was a guest at the five-star pad and he and Fire Office Winslet fell in love as the thunder rolled. Coincidentally they named their first child Bear Blaze.
Barack, Michelle, at the first sign of trouble you need to call in some favours and get off that island.
Hello The Variety Bazaar!
Glastonbury is moving and Michael Eavis has renamed it because he thinks you can't call it Glastonbury if it's not actually in Glastonbury.
He announced the name of the new festival the other day and it was distinctly underwhelming. The Variety Bazaar.
It sounds less like a weekend of live music and more like a cross between a society publication and a Women's Institute bring and buy sale.
Not very rock n'roll is it? Hard to imagine a generation of musos will grow up with the dream of yelling "Hello The Variety Bazaar!" to 175,000 people.
Low-calorie sausage alert
SOUND the diet food klaxon! There's a new product on the shelves that is allowing dieters to enjoy a Saturday morning fry up and they're going mad for it.
It's a 78 calorie pork sausage. That's right, a 78 calorie pork sausage.
Porky Lights are flying off the shelves and social media is awash with tales of the lengths slimmers are going to to get their hands on a pack. It's only a matter of time before some half starved shopper clunks another over the head with a bottle of fizzy water and runs off with their Porky Lights.
Do you know what it reminds Sleb Safari of? The year 2007 when Boots released its No7 Protect and Perfect Serum which, for only £17, made you look 17 years younger. (Claim based on nothing but Sleb Safari's vivid imagination).
The stuff sold out in no time, people were trampling over each other to get to it and making their granny queue for eight days in a snowstorm.
If we can take anything from the sausages and skincare episodes it is this: never stand in the way of a woman who has her heart set on something or else it all goes a bit Mad Max.
Sleb Smut Watch
This is Gwyneth Paltrow's pantry. What a slattern
