The Goop Christmas Gift Guide 2016 is as epic as always
HAVE you started festivating yet or do you feel it's still too early? Sleb Safari is here to tell you that there are 20 days until Christmas so you need to get your festivation skates on and start present shopping.
Sleb Safari won't even contemplate Christmas shopping until it has consulted the goop gift guide. Every year without fail Sleb Safari pores over Gwyneth Paltrow's guide so you don't have to and that's its gift to you.
This year goop is flogging Brain Dust that will "align you with the mighty cosmic flow needed for great achievement" (Sleb Safari knows what you're thinking – finally, something that will align me with the cosmic flow, phew eeeeh) along with a $8,000 yurt and a $500 umbrella.
The gift guide is helpfully divided into 10 sections including the health nut, the traveller, the thinker, the cook and a list called the ridiculous, but awesome.
For the health nut in your life you can splash the cash on a three-day soup cleanse that will set you back $235. Whether they’ll thank you or not is another thing.
If you're looking for something a little cheaper a packet of herbs “for burning” is a bargain at $24. That’s right, herbs for burning; not cooking, burning.
There’s also a bicycle helmet that “deploys like an airbag almost instantly”, meaning that you'll be so happy to be alive you won't care that you look as though your head is stuck inside a snow globe.
You could buy a $496 meditation cushion set for the mindful family member. Breathe in through your nose and out through your mouth as you type in your credit card details.
And for the thinker you should consider treating them to Moon Juice Brain Dust. You might not know it but brain dust's "enlightening edible formula" is "alchemized to align you with the mighty cosmic flow needed for great achievement".
The frequent traveller is well catered for too. There’s a cashmere eye mask and slippers for $187 and a gin and tonic carry on cocktail kit.
Your $24 gets you tonic syrup, a measure, a spoon and a linen coaster but no gin – you still need to buy that from a flight attendant.
For half the price you could have the drink made and brought to you and not have to think about what to do with a linen coaster that’s going to lie at the bottom of your handbag for the next six months gathering rogue sweets and bits of fluff.
Sleb Safari's absolute favourite items are on the ridiculous, but awesome gift list.
Who wouldn’t want a ‘jetpack bag’ stuffed with all the things you’d need to get through the first 72 hours of a zombie apocalypse?
Invest $399 and you’ll be equipped with a survival shovel, a wire saw, magnesium Firestarter, pocket stove and other more homely essentials including a travel toothbrush and toothpaste, sleeping bag, Vaseline and granola bars.
Unfortunately, no sachets of Moon Juice Brain Dust are included, a glaring oversight on the part of the jetpack manufacturers.
Gwyneth’s goop gift guide never disappoints and Sleb Safari appreciates that level of commitment.
Merry Goopmass everyone!
How can Mariah festivate on so little food?
SLEB Safari is worried about Mariah Carey. You may recall that last week Sleb Safari brought you the news that Mariah had already begun festivating in the middle of November.
Now it brings you alarming news about Mariah’s health. She’s on tour and determined to stay at her fighting weight so her food intake is restricted.
She told E! News about her diet.
“All you eat is Norwegian salmon and capers every day. That's it. It's the worst.”
How is Mariah going to have the energy to festivate on a diet of fish and berries?
Mariah, listen to Sleb Safari, toast a bagel, smear on a tub of cream cheese and then add the salmon and capers. Santa would want you to.
Competition – win a Søstrene Grene Christmas Hamper
THIS week you can get your hands on a gorgeous Christmas hamper from Danish company Søstrene Grene.
There are over 120 branches worldwide and the first store in Northern Ireland was opened in Belfast last month. It's all about hygge this winter – the Danish concept of living well and enjoying the simple pleasures in life.
Søstrene Grene specialises in Scandinavian unique home accessories, kitchenware, gift wrap, Christmas gifts, stationery and little furniture, and now you have the opportunity to get your hands on an exclusive Christmas hamper.
To be in with a chance to win the hamper answer the following question correctly:
How many stores does Søstrene Grene have worldwide?
Email your answer to firstname.lastname@example.org and mark the entry 'Sleb Safari Competition'. Please include your name and contact details. Usual Irish News rules apply. The prize is non-transferable and the closing date is noon on Wednesday December 7.
Find @sostrenegrene on Facebook, Instagram or at www.sostrenegrene.com
Social Media Smut
Shonda Rhimes on Twitter
Me. Watching this dude about to run our country. pic.twitter.com/GAYHxjRcLn— shonda rhimes (@shondarhimes) November 26, 2016