Sleb Safari: Jonathan Cheban to open elite school for rich kids

  “I am developing the entire pop culture program for this school here in the Trump Tower,” Jonathan Cheban said

AND so to New York and specifically Trump Tower where Jonathan Cheban, best friend of Kim Kardashian, Celebrity Big Brother contestant and all-round busy, important person, is in the throes of opening an elite academy for rich kids.

The timetable will include lessons in choosing the correct shade of leather seats in a private jet and the cut and clarity of diamonds.

Sleb Safari strongly believes this is exactly the sort of thing the next generation will need to know to get ahead.

Parents, don’t waste your time trying to get your child into the better of the local primary schools. The only thing your offspring is going to learn there is how to do an honest day’s work and that never got anyone a place in the Celebrity Big Brother house.

Allow Jonathan Cheban to explain.

“I am developing the entire pop culture program for this school here in the Trump Tower,” he told New You Magazine.

“Wealthy kids from all over the world will learn things about private aviation, social media, quality of diamonds, types of caviar, mixed in with economics and other fundamental undergrad and grad classes.

“This is the social stuff you need to know to survive in a city like this with a lot of money. If you are buying a diamond you need to know the clarity and if you are buying a private jet you need to know the different leathers and seats.

I’ll basically be the Dean of Pop Culture at the school.”

He’s absolutely right. At present our curriculum is obsessed with reading and writing and with no provision for lessons in selfie taking and

Instagram filter we are failing a generation of children.

At the same time as Jonathan is talking sense about our children’s futures, actress Jennifer Garner is demanding that more funding be poured into an early-childhood education program. What a square.

Sleb Safari thinks we can all agree that Jonathan’s International School of New York will put any finishing school in Switzerland to shame.

Jonathan also has plans for a TV show that will teach people how to live like a celebrity.

“People want to know where Beyonce sits at a hot restaurant.

It’s not about billion dollar houses; no one cares about that,” he explained.

“They want to know where the hot stuff is and nobody knows better than me. I live it!”

If only there were more Jonathans in the world.

And did he mention his golden goose, Kim Kardashian?

“People are like, oh, you just hang out with Kim all day. No, I’m working on 39 businesses. It drives me nuts.”

Jonathan will want to hire the keenest sleb sleuths to ‘teach’ in the elite academy so might Sleb Safari be so bold as to propose that it be made a visiting professor.

The ball’s in your court Mr Cheban.


Brooklyn Beckham wants to be a photographer so Burberry helped out

CALM down everyone and stop muttering about nepotism, Elton John says it’s okay that Burberry hired 16-year-old Brooklyn Beckham as a photographer.

The teenager shot a fragrance campaign for the company and Elton mansplained Burberry’s decision to a Metro newspaper reporter: “How much publicity are Burberry getting out of it? That's the whole point. It's like when you do a runway show and you send all the great stuff down that doesn't make it to the shops but it gets in the papers - it's the publicity.”

And then the cherry on the cake of Elton’s explanation: “Brooklyn wants to be a photographer, Romeo modelled for them, so Brooklyn might as well take the photographs.”

Sleb Safari wants to be the next president of the US but that’s not reason enough to hire it.

Take heart all you professional photographers with dreams of one day working for Burberry, there might still be an opening because Brooklyn hasn’t decided what he wants to do when he grows up.

He told Vogue last November: "I love football, but I'm also very passionate about photography and film. I'm keeping my options open right now."

Keeping his options open. Did you ever? At least his Ucas form is going to make for interesting reading.


'How cauliflower helped me get over Leann Rimes'

THE headline of the week award goes to the New York Post for an article about a new recipe book from Leann Rimes’ ex-husband Dean Sheremet which it entitled: ‘How cauliflower helped me get over Leann Rimes’.

That is the best insult of all time, non? One of the must tasteless vegetables known to man helped someone forget about their seven-year marriage. Leann must be fuming.

Dean says he used food to counteract the trauma of the divorce.

“I had no idea that the knowledge that my grandmother gave me as a kid would save my life.”

They say revenge is a dish best served cold but in this case it’s sautéed and served with a romesco sauce. Well played Dean Sheremet, well played.


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