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Sleb Safari: Uri Geller's talking toilet is on the market

Spoon botherer Uri Geller has a swanky home and an even swankier talking toilet

FEW things in this world are more satisfying to a sleb smuthound than a virtual poke around a celebrity manor.

Truth be told, Sleb Safari has spent many a happy hour reading up on renovations to the Beckhams' Notting Hill mansion and is far too familiar with the location of CCTV cameras being installed at the Clooney place.

Imagine then, if you will, Sleb Safari’s delight at discovering cutlery botherer Uri Geller has put his colossal countryside retreat on the market.

The luxury nine-bedroom property is a steal at £15 million. It also has parking space for 30 cars so the option of running a pay-and-display car park is always on the table if the selling price leaves the new owner feeling the pinch.

Uri says “magic emanates from the house” which isn’t the standard spiel you get from a vendor.

The spoon bender told the Daily Mail that everything in his home “is in accordance with Feng Shui principals”.

Sleb Safari quite likes the idea of having its house Feng Shui-d. Ideally it would go away for the weekend and come home to find it done. Much like when it had the painters in during its summer holiday and arrived back to a house that looked as good as new from top to bottom.

The Geller family home boasts an entertainment hall with a cinema, bar and gym while the cellar has a panic room and a security/wine vault. Gellers, how did you get that combination so wrong – the panic room should double as a wine vault, it’d be much less of a chore to lock oneself in a metal room if there was a selection of fine wine on hand.

Moving upstairs, Sleb Safari would like to walk you through the “state of the art Poggenpohl kitchen, which has over 50 storage cabinets and the latest Gaggenau appliances”. The German equivalent of Tesco and Ikea, one imagines.

Uri has also made room for a leather chair once owned by Yves Saint Laurent.

Sleb Safari understands the appeal of owning something belonging to people you admire. Why, it has six dining room chairs once owned by its parents. Plus the dining table.

Naturally Sleb Safari has saved the ‘best’ thing about the Geller home to last.

The main bathroom boasts a ‘speaking’ toilet which, to quote the Daily Mail, (and Sleb Safari apologises if this offends your sensibilities) “asks your preferences when it comes to position and pressure. It also washes you, dries you and lets out a scent afterwards”.

That is hands down the creepiest, most unnecessary household item on the market. If Sleb Safari had £15m going spare it’d buy the house and rip that toilet right out of the bathroom. And probably buy a new dining table and chairs while it was at it.

 

Competition Time

Are you and your family brave enough to investigate the creepy mansion known as Monster Manor?

If the rumours about this old place are true you'll encounter singing pumpkins, dancing skeletons, floating ghosts and mysterious monsters. It’s really spooky, a little bit scary and a whole lot of fun and Sleb Safari has three family passes (two adults and two children) to give away for the manor which you'll find at W5 in Belfast.

To enter answer the following question:

What is the name for a hollowed out turnip or pumpkin with holes carved into it to look like a face?

Email your answer to competitions@irishnews.com and mark your entry 'Sleb Safari/Monster Manor'. The competition closes at noon on Wednesday October 21.

Usual Irish News rules apply. The family pass is valid until November 1 2015.

Monster Manor is open Saturdays and Sundays until October­ 25 Oct and daily from Monday October 26- Sunday November 1. For further information and opening times visit www.w5online.co.uk.

:: And the winner of a gift basket of non-alcoholic wine was Brian Mc Cann from Lurgan.

 

Bringing home the bacon

DISTURBING story of the week award goes to Kevin Bacon for his tale of finding a pig’s head in a bush.

Kevin told the Guardian: “I used to live on Riverside Park in New York, on the Upper West Side. I was out there walking my dog one night, and the dog started sniffing around in a bush. So I went over there and I found a severed pig’s head. I don’t know if it was some kind of... I don’t know what it was. I just grabbed the dog and ran. It was pretty weird. It was fresh.”

The irony of Kevin Bacon finding a pig is pretty special but even then Sleb Safari doesn’t think it’s something the New York tourism authority is going to put on billboards.

 

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