The Bluffer is a dab hand at avoiding all the dangers of home renovations
WE’RE GONNA be in lockdown until April 1 so we might as well sit back and enjoy the Bluffer’s Guide to Irish where, this week, El Bluffo thinks about home renovations – and how to avoid them.
Ba mhaith liom an teach a athchóiriú - I’d like to renovate the house is a sentence that has crossed many people’s minds this lockdown but in the case of the Bluffer, the mind is willing but the flesh is weak.
On top of that there are the dangers involved in some jobs that require lucht ceirde - tradespeople to do safely and properly.
For instance, apart from the simplest jobs, the Bluffer would always get an aibhleiseoir - an electrician to do electrical work.
Growing up in a house that has long been re-developed, he remembers the sreanga scaoilte - loose wires hanging out of plugs, cuibheoirí dúbáilte - double adaptors thatVexploded when you plugged your triomaitheoir gruaige - hairdryer in, blowing every aidhnín - fuse in the house!
Sreanga beo - live wires can be dangerous to those who don’t know what they’re doing so the Bluffer will leave it to his local spark to do his electrical work.
The DIY craze has been in full swing since lock-down started, with homeowners attempting odd jobs with the help of internet tutorials and how-to guides.
Something else the Bluffer won’t lend his silky skills is pluiméireacht - plumbing.
Now, regular people would be up to some things.
D’athraigh mé an sconna cithfholcadáin - changed the shower head or dheisigh sí an sconna a bhí ag sileadh - she fixed the leaking tap.
However, few people could say chuir mé folcadán úr isteach - I installed a new bath and the Bluffer wouldn’t go within a mile of a píobán séarachais - a sewer pipe.
He also wants to throw off his mortal coil with his boots on and not because of nimhiú aonocsaíde carbóin - carbon monoxide poisoning due to his messing about the gas in his house. Gas is another no-go-area for all but trained saineolaithe - experts.
The Bluffer is also disinclined to mess about with internal walls.
Having a ceiling fall on top of him is a one-way
ticket to a not-at-all coveted Darwin Award.
Inside walls are risky to demolish so you’ll need to get advice from an innealtóir struchtúr - a structural engineer for advice before you take a sledge-hammer to your wall – which may have electrical wiring or plumbing pipes running through it. Scary biscuits.
Nor is the Bluffer very keen on doing repair jobs ar an díon - on the roof or indeed anything involving a dreimire - a ladder.
It’s physically challenging climbing ladders and the Bluffer doesn’t have the greatest sense of balance in the word as anyone has seen him céilí swing will attest.
He’s not afraid of climbing ladders –he’s just afraid of falling off one.
So, the odd jobs around the house are not above his meagre capabilities, but for everything else, it’s the yellow pages.
Ba mhaith liom an teach a athchóiriú (ba why lum un chakh a akhore-oo) - I’d like to renovate the house
lucht ceirde (lukt kerja) - tradespeople
aibhleiseoir (aavleshore) - an electrician
sreanga scaoilte (sranga skeeltcha) - loose wires
cuibheoirí dúbáilte (kivoree doobaaltcha) - double adaptors
triomaitheoir gruaige (chrumeehore grooeege) - hairdryer
aidhnín (iynyeen) - a fuse
pluiméireacht (plimayrakht) - plumbing
D’athraigh mé an sconna cithfholcadáin (dahree may un scunna keeh-ulcadaan) - I changed the shower head
dheisigh sí an sconna a bhí ag sileadh (yeshee shee un scunna a vee eg shiloo) - she fixed the leaking tap
chuir mé folcadán úr isteach (kher may folcadaan oor istyakh) - I installed a new bath píobán séarachais (peebaan shayrakhish) - a sewer pipe
nimhiú aonocsaíde carbóin - (nyivoo aynoxeeja carbone) carbon monoxide poisoning
saineolaithe (sign- yoleeha) - experts
innealtóir struchtúr (inyaltore strukhtoor) - a structural engineer
ar an díon (er un jeen) - on the roof
dreimire (jraymera) - a ladder