Lurve is in the air for the Bluffer as he runs aground on Love Island
CHEERS TO to the wallflowers and Lotharios out there, whatever you’re dting status, welcome to the Bluffer’s Guide to Irish.
Well, the Bluffer for the first time in his puff, sat down an watched a whole episode of Oileán an Ghrá - Love Island.
He mistakenly thought it was rómánsaíocht - a romance set on Tory land where a lánúin - couple would walk along na beanna - the cliffs, smoking clay pipes and singing sean-nós songs to each other.
Boy was he wrong! The island in question is in fact a garish villa in Majorca and the comely maidens were not dancing at an croisbhealach - the crossroads but lounging about in attire that you wouldn’t get in Magee’s in Donegal town.
The men, to a man were hunks, all sé-phaca - six packs and moisturised to within an inch of their lives like Dublin imreoirí lár na páirce - midfielders.
So, what do these babes and hunks have in common? They are all after lurve.
The idea behind the programme is simple. Seó geandala atá ann - it’s a dating show and when the assorted love-lorn beauties arrive at the villa, they have to pair off with one of the others.
For some, the matchmaking might be a case of raging testosterone and oestrogen that leads to drúis - lust or others might be mealltach - attractive while you might like others to be a friend and nothing more.
Is maith liom Áine mar chara - I like Áine as a friend is an example if you like to keep your relationships platonic.
Or if you fancy someone you could say tá nóisean agam di/dó - I fancy her/him.
All this is done under the full glare of ceamairí faireachais - surveillance cameras.
Na hoileánaigh - The “Islanders” (not what Tomás Ó Croimhthainn was thinking of, I’m sure) must be coupled up with another Islander, whether it be for grá - love, cairdeas - friendship or airgead - money,
Whoa! What? Money? Yep, the overall winning couple receives £50,000 prize-money so you wonder if real human emotions are at play here or whether the suirí poiblí - public courting is all a ploy with an eye on the prize.
And that’s where Love Island takes a dark turn.
The cast might look like cartoon characters – all big boobs and rippling pecs – they are still young human beings,
It must be humiliating to be dumped by someone you fancy in front of millions on TV.
(Scar XX le YY is how you would say someone breaks up with someone else.)
There is the an chúlchaint - the gossip, an t-éad - the jealousy, an mhioscais - the bitchiness that makes Love Island attract over 3 million viewers per episode.
After a while, the contestants have to
“re-couple” where they can choose to remain in their current couple or swap and change which made it all to voyeuristic for the Bluffer.
He decided that he had had enough of Love Island when he read that two former contestants Sophie Gradon and Mike Thalassitis, had committed suicide after appearing in previous series.
Oileán an Ghrá (ilaan un graa) - Love Island
rómánsaíocht (roemanseeakht) - a romance
lánúin (lanoo-in) - a couple
na beanna (na banna) - the cliffs
an chroisbhealach (un croshvalakh) - the crossroads
sé-phaca (shay faca) - six packs
imreoirí lár na páirce (imroree laar ne parrka) - midfielders
Seó geandala atá ann (show gandaala ataa un) - it’s a dating show
drúis (droosh) - lust
mealltach (maltakh) - attractive
Is maith liom Áine mar chara (iss myh lum aanya mar khara) - I like Áine as a friend
tá nóisean agam di/dó (taa noeshin ugum dee/daw )- I fancy her/him
ceamairí faireachais (kyamaree fyrahish) - surveillance cameras
Na hoileánaigh (ne hilaanee) - the Islanders
grá (graa) - love
cairdeas (carjiss) - friendship
airgead (aragid) - money
suirí poiblí (siree piblee) - public courting
Scar XX le YY (scar xx le yy) - XX split up with YY
an chúlchaint (un khoolkhiyntch) - the gossip
an t-éad (un chayd) - the jealousy
an mhioscais (un viskihs) - the bitchiness