Sport

Enda McGinley: Trials and tribulations of playing through Covid regulations

<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; ">BEST SEAT IN THE HOUSE: It was sitting room only on this side of the pitch as Dungiven and Loughmacrory played a challenge match behind closed doors in Dungiven last Sunday.</span><br style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; " /><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; ">Picture: Margaret McLaughlin&nbsp;&nbsp;</span>
BEST SEAT IN THE HOUSE: It was sitting room only on this side of the pitch as Dungiven and Loughmacrory played a challenge match behind closed doors in Dungiven last Sunday.
BEST SEAT IN THE HOUSE: It was sitting room only on this side of the pitch as Dungiven and Loughmacrory played a challenge match behind closed doors in Dungiven last Sunday.
Picture: Margaret McLaughlin  

It’s a funny old world.

If ever a race of people is designed to come through the slow-motion car crash that is the Coronavirus, it’s the Irish.

Our ability to have the craic and make a bit of humour, even of the dark variety, no matter what the circumstances, is as much part of our national identity as miserable summer weather.

Take the inimitable Tyrone Tribulations, who ran a Twitter feed in May on the imaginary Tyrone v Donegal game.

One tweet read: “Paddy Heaney having the last laugh here in the press box. Wemen swooning all over the joint. They think he’s Seamus’ son and he’s not denying it and quoting poetry and all. Kenny Archer fuming. #gaa”

Yet, it’s not just Twitter feeds on imaginary games.

Practically everything has a surreal, unsettled feel right now.

We are caught in a strange world where some people remain anxious while some never believed the thing in the first place; some never stopped working while some continue accepting every excuse not to work; some wear mouth masks, some gloves, some face masks, some nothing.

To say things are ad hoc is an insult to all those things previously described as ad hoc.

Even serious COVID-related policies read more like a satirical rip-off than the serious, well-intentioned document they are supposed to be.

The GAA's newly-adopted COVID playing regulations are a case in point.

For years, a fun little side show at any championship game has been the futile efforts of an official to keep subs within their designated area.

Ropes were used across dugouts behind which the players were corralled.

The rope will be out across the dugout again, but this time to keep the subs OUT.

It's proposed that suitably socially-distanced chairs be put out on the side-line between the 21-yard lines, with the opposition ‘bench’ on the opposite side of the pitch.

Understandable, even logical, yet ridiculous at the same time.

Welcome to the GAA COVID world.

Can you imagine if it starts raining or the match gets a bit testy or an opponent runs into one of those subs while chasing a ball? Fun times.

Spare a thought for the referee who, as well as trying to navigate the new rules, is supposedly to hand out cards for infractions that break social-distancing etiquette.

Can you imagine giving a sub a yellow card for standing next to another sub when out on the pitch two men are wrestling the shirts off each other.

The ref also has powers to book fellas spitting or ‘clearing their nose’.

Given that spitting was already a no-go, this version must include the bit of spit on the hand for added grip.

Again this may be logical from a COVID viewpoint, but has no one thought of how a man is to catch a dry ball on a perfect dry day without a bit of spittle on the hands?

I doubt the World Health Organization (WHO) are thinking of that conundrum.

Elsewhere no handshakes or huddles are allowed in a drive to limit contact.

In a close-contact game like ours, such measures seem daft but as long as special exemption is present for a schmozzle or good nice-to-meet-you shoulder barge we will all play along.

Meanwhile, the human back-pack activities of the John Small brigade will likely continue to remain invisible to all.

The newly-instigated water break midway through the half is to last a minute.

That’ll be the same one minute that teams are supposed to take at half-time of extra-time then?

Can you imagine a team needing to break momentum being given a water break?

Some chance of one minute there.

It’s fair to say that the men in black/blue/green or whatever their chosen colour is, will have an awful lot on their plate.

Given the level of respect usually afforded the referee maybe it’s for the best that supporters in the North are not being permitted in as yet.

Tyrone Tribulations were at it again on this front reporting that, rather than the annoying synthetic crowd noise soccer stadiums are using, the GAA authorities would liven up behind-the-door games by playing recorded crowd abuse of the referee.

Could you imagine some of the old favourites getting blasted out over the tannoy.

‘You’re a cheating….’, ‘what do you expect from a (insert county/club here) b****ks’, ‘Did you forget your cards ye ….?’ Or the very apt ‘You should be wearing a mask ref’. Ah the sounds of the summer.

The barring of crowds from matches in the six counties is certainly a tough one but fortunately the regulations do not comment on how many stewards or COVID supervisors can attend.

I’ve a feeling there won’t be enough luminous bibs in the country to cope with how thoroughly stewarded and COVID supervised these games are going to be.

All in the name of keeping people safe, of course.

Between that and a likely sudden increase in avid walkers who just happen to attend at game time there will be more than just a few local eyes still managing to catch the games.

The continued closure of dressing rooms is a big blow though not as you might expect, to the players and management.

Rather, this is a massive blow to that entire generation of men who have regaled us about the times they got togged out behind a hedge.

I’m not entirely sure this ever amounted to much of an achievement to be honest but that never seemed to prevent it being trotted out as a badge of honour.

It’ll be exciting for a new generation of players across the country as they take this precious rite of passage.

A proud moment for them all but spare a thought for the men losing their claim to fame.

Another group who will feel hard done by is the expert sub.

Their stomping ground of the traditional half-time kick-about has fallen victim to COVID too.

Many may not think this is a big deal but if you are a player, specifically trained in the skills of the half time kick about, e.g. cross bar challenge, the lob, the drop kick, the super styled kicks or solos, this is a bitter pill to swallow.

I’m not talking about the inexperienced subs, identified by their disgruntled vibe and attempt to complete a half decent warm-up.

They’ll be happy enough being in the half-time circle trying to catch the manager’s eye.

I’m talking of the professional sub, happy with his lot but now robbed of the opportunity to show off his unique skill set that, while having zero transferability to an actual game allowed him to always put on a good half -time show.

With the ongoing international COVID news and our local case figures and R ratings, it feels like we are on a bit of borrowed time.

Who knows what will happen?

Sometimes there is little else for it than to make the most of it and allow ourselves a bit of a laugh.

At least to that extent we are playing to our strengths.