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Dodgy Tackle: Mour than meets the eye to new crib

Manchester United manager Jose Mourinho admitted this week he is living alone in a local hotel and struggling to settle into life in Manchester
Kevin Farrell

DODGYPROPERTY.CON is delighted to present this stunning residence on the tree-lined apron of rainflecked Salford to the resale market

. With aspects of magnificent past glories to the south and some jaw-dropping views of the Europa League round of 32 to the north, the property boasts easy arterial access for commuters to the silent environs of Old Trafford morgue.

Immaculately presented throughout with a high grade turncoat/turnkey finish, this stunning property truly is an, er, special one and will appeal instantly to a range of cantankerous professionals, suspect investors and troubled managers alike.

The key specifications of the crib are outlined below:

1. ON-SITE secure car parking with large mock Tudor roller shutter door and elevated roof. Capable of housing a fleet of buses prone to being hijacked and burned out at any given moment from Thursday to Monday; your 16-seaters for EFL Cup, your single deckers for FA Cup, your double deckers for the televised League games, your bendy double deckers for European hellholes, Citeh and Scousers away and those occasional nightmare trips to the Bridge.

2. FULL planning permission for cavernous bus depot at the extreme rear of the property. Awaits building consent for adjacent granny flat to accommodate a platoon of overpriced and overpaid conductors and/or one’s immediate family if they could ever be assed travelling from south London town for a sleepover/compassionate visit.

3. REPLICA dug-outs and technical areas sympathetically set in recessed and immature lawns. A convenient place to store effigies of rival managers should the potential buyer ever need to practise awkward handshakes with humiliating intent before striding out of the landscaped grounds like an arrogant Portuguese peacock five minutes before everyone else.

4. BESPOKE bronze-plated centrepiece statue framing the spectacular entrance vestibule of Antonio Conte doing a Charleston like Anton du Beke upon a halfmoon of Johnsons’ talc. A superior prop for deflecting attention should the voyeurs and paparazzi arrive loaded with awkward questions about tactical disasters and hammerings on nightmare visits to one’s former pristine homestead.

5. CLOSE proximity to all local amenities. Medical Centre on the doorstep, heaving with female quacks/physios actually prepared to turn a blind eye to banjaxed players when injury-time is running out in your search for a smash-andgrab winner on the counter-attack after defending a set-piece against, say, Swansea City or similar.

6. STATE-OF-THE-ART boxing gymnasium with hi-spec speedball/ full scale model of Eden Hazard’s sly head and a floor-to-ceiling punchbag coated in designer Arsene Wenger bench coat fabric; each meticulously stuffed with bundles of original, hand-picked Fellaini and Rooney hair clippings.

7. DECEPTIVELY spacious tool shed. For players to down tools in.

8. GAMES room boasting top of the range dartboard, a skip full of darts, brickbats, mudslings and A4 posters of every official to have walked God’s little earth. An extra supply of Mike Riley pictures on glossy A2. A true bonus for those quieter Thursday evenings from January 2017 onwards.

9. TWO panic rooms at basement level, each accented by large, deadwood barn doors and tastefully furnished with a range of cow’s asses and antique banjos respectively. Perfect for those distressed strikers who think they still have it but couldn’t score a dusty trophy cabinet these days with a Red Devil’s pitchfork.

10. A RANGE of working stables perched within a touchline gallop or two of six acres of open Lancashire countryside; absolutely fabulous for keeping a motley herd of scapegoats, heifers and donkeys in.

Farm animals not included in the asking price. With a high level of interest expected in the above property, please don’t hesitate to make an absolutely ridiculous offer we couldn’t possibly refuse.

Straight swaps for a £90 million French midfielder with a burnt-out club captain chucked in will definitely not be considered. Contact Gary, Ryan or big Dion with enquiries. No time-wasters please. Unless United are one-nil up

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