Dodgy Tackle: there's a big Moussa loose about this Tottenham Hotspur house
REMEMBER when the transfer window on Sky Sports was one big hyperbolic frolic with Jim White, yellow ties, yellow frocks, expensive flops and, er, a bright blue sex toy that one time outside Everton’s Finch Farm training ground?
‘Unbelievable scenes indeed, Natalie!’, as Whitey might once have purred – before squealing at five to 11 that Harry Redknapp had been spotted horsing down the M25 in a Ford Granada with Yakubu in the boot and four wingers inside what sources are confirming is a second hand roof-box.
On the evidence of last Wednesday’s latest instalment, it’s very much as you were on the whole deadline day overkill front – albeit with a few notable changes to its Feng shui.
The ever-chatty Harry’s busy electric windows have been put verifiably beyond use. Kate Abdo has replaced Natalie Sawyer. And live updates from inside clubs’ grounds now means a reduced threat to the virginity of reporters’ ears from ‘that’ saucy bulletin bomber who scared the wax clean out of big Alan Irvine in 2014.
Some clubs lost the run of themselves as usual, splashing the cash like wired seven-year-olds playing Monopoly way past their bedtime... while snorting mounds of Sherbet Dip Dab off chance cards with some rolledup 500s. Or something.
It certainly all got a bit flashy and extravagant at Stamford Bridge.
Fiorentina proved they have by far the biggest windows Italy has ever seen when Chelsea made them an offer they couldn’t refuse.
£23million for Marcus Alonso, a full-back Nottingham Forest nearly signed for 200 grand from Bolton a few years ago and who will now probably do an outstanding job on the Blues’ bench before a loan move to Forest or Bolton in the January window.
The madness got even madder.
Having stroked PSG to the tune of £50 million for centre-half/ midfielder/club chaplain/ resident bomb scare David Luiz two years ago, Chelsea seemingly couldn’t live with their guilt after the giggles stopped.
In re-signing the curled Brazilian for £32million, £50million over the odds for a 29-year-old whose best days were unquestionably during his cameos in The Simpsons, the Blues were swiftly laying clam to being the biggest ‘sideshow’ in town.
Well, apart from Everton who hit the ‘redner of the day’ having thought they had signed French midfielder Moussa Sissoko from Newcastle for £30milllion.
Sky’s Vinny O’Connor, though, had all the latest and the farce was really strong with this one.
By 7pm, Vinny heard the strutting Toffees had arranged a medical and sent a private jet plane to London to pick up big Moussa.
By 8pm, Vinny heard big Moussa hadn’t been returning calls from Ronald Koeman (below) to welcome him to the club.
By 9pm, Vinny was hearing Spurs had gazumped/Redknapped the Toffees to sign big Moussa, with big Moussa believed to have quickly tied all his phones to a breezeblock and flung them into the Thames.
By 10.58pm, big Moussa was on the Twitter loving his new Spurs shirt like a fly man, a far cry from that time in June when he was pictured putting an Arsenal shirt into his wardrobe and declaring undying love for the Gunners – or “beautiful Arsenal... the club of my heart” to be precise.
Everton, meanwhile, then did what any jilted suitor would do. Without moving their lips, they told their plane driver (pilot) to turn and face the f*****g runway before then telling the world they never loved Moussa Sissoko anyway and would build their whole life around, erm, James McCarthy, yeah James McCarthy (below) who was definitely staying put now. Hmmm.
Don’t be surprised if big Moussa suddenly finds a certain substantial blue object heading towards his eardrum or any other part of his body when the new club of his wildest dreams next rock up at Goodison Park.
Watch Roy Keane shut down reporter over James McCarthy question...