Soccer

World Cup win cuts right to The Chase

Glenn Hoddle (left) is "one of the most under-rated butcherers of the English language around" according to this week's Armchair Reporter
Glenn Hoddle (left) is "one of the most under-rated butcherers of the English language around" according to this week's Armchair Reporter Glenn Hoddle (left) is "one of the most under-rated butcherers of the English language around" according to this week's Armchair Reporter

“By what name is the medical term Influenza Masculinicus better known?”  

Bradley Walsh may or may not have asked that question on The Chase over the last few days but, having been sofa-bound with a terrible debilitating disease which only attacks the male of the species, I’m fairly sure I know the answer.

It’s been a long week, and when your world revolves around breath-reducing, sweat-inducing walks between bed, the sofa and the kettle for more lemsip, there’s every chance you are going to brush up on your general knowledge.

Walsh, Tipping Point host Ben Shepherd, and Pointless pair Alexander Armstrong and Richard Osman have been good friends to me over the last few days as my real mates spent their Easter break in the pub and the other half found plenty to do that didn’t involve listening to me suffering in silence (some chance).

And, in between quiz shows and episodes of Coronation Street that simply needed to be watched again, I had ample opportunity to take in a big portion or two of sporting action.  

I don’t think a ball was struck over the first four days at the World Match Play in Austin that I didn’t witness, while I now know the safety play of Mark Allen and Ricky Walden inside-out thanks to ITV4’s coverage of The Players’ Championship.

Since the terrible affliction struck on Tuesday night, I’ve also taken in all-weather racing from Lingfield and jumps action from Haydock, Wales and Northern Ireland drawing, a fair bit of the 20/20 World Cup from India, and documentaries about Crossmaglen, Diego Maradona and Paul Merson (really).

And after basically lying in a televisual cocoon for four days, you’d have thought nothing would be left to surprise you, but how wrong I was come Saturday night as, almost fifty years since they last did it, England’s footballers became world champions once again.

Did you miss that? Well they beat the world champions Germany in Berlin. That’s how it works, isn’t it?

I actually hadn’t intended to watch this ‘friendly’ at all but Rory McIlroy got rid of Chris Kirk handily in the last eight of the golf, and I flicked over for a quick peak, fully expecting Roy Hodgson’s young Lions to be getting a lesson from Joachim Low’s seasoned side.

Yet things weren’t going to that plan early on, with England playing bright and inventive stuff.

It was enough to make Clive Tyldesley even more patriotic, while Glenn Hoddle was getting so excited in the co-commentator’s chair he’d misplaced his l and y.

“Alli’s done brilliant there, Clive,” said one of the most under-rated butcherers of the English language around.

“We’ve started superb.”

Dele Alli, sounding every inch like a mall full of high-brow sandwich shops, was bossing things in midfield, Harry Kane was bullying Mats Hummels, and England were on the verge of getting their hands on the Jules Rimet again.

“We shouldn’t get carried away,’ said a very carried away Hoddle, pointing out that Germany had a goal wrongly ruled out for offside.

“Well, there was a ball that crossed the line in Bloemfontein as well,” retorted Tyldesley, handily overlooking the one that didn’t cross the line at Wembley a ween of years ago.

And then things took a turn for the worse as Jack Butland twisted an ankle and gifted a goal to Toni Kroos. Germany celebrated and Butland was carted off in tears, heartbroken to be missing the rest of the World Cup final.

“He had two times the chance to kick the ball out,” said an unsympathetic and very German Lothar Matthaus in the studio.

Yet Glenn wasn’t going to have the mood dampened, extolling the virtues of Welbeck, Lallana and England’s Rose (didn’t Elton John say goodbye to her back in the 90s?).

Not even a second goal for Germany, courtesy of Mario Gomez, could discourage Hoddle or England, who hit back through Harry Kane and Jamie Vardy to draw level before grabbing victory, and world champion status, late on when Erid Dier nodded home a Jordan Henderson corner.

“That cross had a lovely dijectory,” explained Hodd, while Clive was away up the steps to collect the gleaming Jules.

“Yes it’s a friendly and, yes, Germany will still be a threat in the summer, but yes, yes, yes,” was his take on things.

What’s on in the summer I wondered. The Euros? Sure who needs that when you’ve just won the World Cup?

“By what name is the medical term Getting Carried Awayicus better known?”

We all know the answer to that one Bradley.