Dodgy Tackle: Maradona keeping his powder dry with new ambassador role at Fifa
DOES anyone else reckon the Big Man upstairs – provided he hasn't downsized to a bungalow by now – is bored out of his omnipotent skull with eternal glory and has decided to just start messing with everyone's frazzled heads?
As if wedging Donald Trump into the White House isn't going to put us all out of our misery before Russia and Putin can get anywhere near next year's World Cup, God almighty has now decided Diego Maradona – no stranger in the past to a 'white' house or two himself - is just the boyo for an ambassadorial role with Fifa.
El Diego, as we know, shares a left hand with the Supreme deity (not Diana Ross).
And given that he once credited Him with the best goal ever scored in the history of laughing-our-Terry Fenwicks-clean-off-at England-in-major-tournaments, it's only fair that El Pibe de Oro has been rewarded for services to craic, excuse the pun.
The Argentine icon, a former coke head/chief executive, is reportedly excited about becoming the ambassador.
In between a serious dose of the Ferrero Rocher munchies, Maradona wasted no time stating that the has always wanted to work with those "who really love football", not to mention those who probably know a thing or two about wangling tax breaks and stuff.
Diego also expressed his joy at joining "a clean and transparent governing body" and tweeted a picture of himself hand in hand (I'd need a different angle from the TMO to be sure) with Fifa's new squeaky clean head honcho Gianni Infantino.
Now by all means feel free to correct Dodgy if he's wrong here. But didn't the ambassador's choice used to be a moreish little golden fusion of perfectly roasted hazelnut flakes, wafer and gooey chocolate best served at swingers' parties in official residences?
So when exactly did it become a mindblowing mini space cake full of the marching gear that makes you talk out of your [Buenos] Aires about an organisation lower than Peter Shilton's pitiful leap after 51 minutes in the Azteca Stadium 31 years ago?
Anyway, elsewhere in Diegoworld, the man himself was also throwing his weight behind Lionel Messi's credentials as a footballing phenomenon despite the Atomic Flea being cursed to date in the World Cup.
"I am not going to tolerate that people say Messi is not the phenomenon that he is because he did not win a World Cup," he nearly screamed like a rabid hound at the camera.
"Messi is a great player, regardless of whether he won the World Cup or not. At the age of 56, I can say that I have never seen anyone like Messi. I thank God that Messi is an Argentine. We have Messi, the Pope and me (insert cheap left foot joke of your choice here).
"Why would we burden him with claims that he is not a phenomenon if he does not win the World Cup?
"I won it because I got to play with guys like [Ricardo] Giusti, [Jorge] Burruchaga, [Nery] Pumpido, [Oscar] Ruggeri and also got to extract gallons of urine from Terry Fenwick, Peter Reid, Steve Hodge, Terry Butcher and Peter Shilton along my merry way."
Okay, Diego didn't say those last 24 words, but it's more than likely what he meant so that'll do rightly for Dodgy.
And if everyone does make it to Russia in one piece in 2018, put everything you own in an envelope of your choice – preferably a big Jose Luis Brown one – and stick it on Argentina to bring 6.1kgs of pure gold home.
And the World Cup too.
Remember, you heard it here first.