Sport

Avery colourful deadline day, we're sort of hearing

DodgyTackle

TRANSFER deadline day. You're a Sky Sports roving reporter. You love your job like crazy and this is one of your biggest gigs of the year.

You suspect Jim White will be tying a strong Windsor knot in that canary yellow tie of his. And it's understood the experienced Natalie Sawyer and greenhorn anchor Kate Abdo (right) will be pristine too and beside themselves with jittery butterflies.

You reportedly slip into your best long-johns and suit at stupid o'clock and we're already hearing you will try your level best to look the part with your very own canary yellow tie (right). We can tell it's gonna be a pretty prismatic day at the coal face. It's widely believed you will climb into the biggest Sky Sports sleeping bag with arms you can find inside your new walk-in wardrobe which you allegedly bought when your old wardrobe was struggling to justify the hype and huge price tag. Hypothermia won't be tapping you up any time soon, we're just hearing. A source close to the bathroom is telling us you've waxed your greying mane and will quite probably wink then point at the mirror in the next few moments. It's gonna be a lonnng day. Always is. What we can ascertain from one agent is that you've probably eaten four packets of super noodles and a croissant and slugged a gallon of that expensive Ethiopian blend for pre-breakfast. They're telling us it's been a big step up from three years of frustration with the Maxwell House. You make the longish drive to Finch Farm, Everton's training ground, for a day of talking about talks. Talksport's noise merchants almost blow the treble in your car speakers. But at least they're keeping you abreast and up to date in the interim with all the usual rumours and transfer blether that will probably never even happen today or any other day. These Toffees fans are sound as eight million pound. Like most Scousers, they're up for harmless bants. Not as rowdy as those potato-wielding Spurs fans. And with unemployment rates understood to still be fairly high in the north-west, we can tell you there'll be plenty of scallys around. Don't go anywhere. Believe in better.

And then your moment arrives. Millions are understood to be watching every minute at home.

It's all about you, your viewers and that camera.

You're into the groove, telling the whole nation about the finer points-cum-stumbling blocks of Tom Cleverly's potential £8 million move to Goodison Park from Manchester United. And then it just happens.

A fairly prodigious purple sex toy is thrust headlong into your left eardrum from your blind spot by a random punter as the evening sun sets behind you like burnt ochre.

Life is now a colourful tapestry.

The sex toy assailant is dragged off by security men in luminous bibs. Tom Cleverly's £8million transfer to Goodison WON'T happen. We repeat: WON'T happen. Everton fans are buzzing. Jim White can't keep a straight face. You may as well go home now. You're tired, your earhole is starting to throb and it's been a long, long day out in the field.

Sorry, let's go to West Ham as news is just reaching us about our colleague Paul Gilmour at Upton Park.

We're hearing in our good ear that his update on big Sam's transfer dealings has been rudely interrupted by a hallion in sunglasses and a black hoodie who is colourfully ordering an unknown person to have full carnal relations with an as yet unnamed female. Absolutely mindblowing, Jim. It would appear it hasn't been such a bad day in Merseyside afterall.

At least that's what we're led to believe at this stage of proceedings, Natalie. It could all change, of course. Don't move an inch. We'll be back in an, er, jiffy.