Sport

Beeb can be happy with Rio's Grande effort

"OKAY, okay, everybody gather round. We need some ideas. Apparently ITV have got Fabio Cannavaro and Ian Wright on board, so we really need to up our game for this World Cup. What have you got?"

The BBC think-tank scratches its collective head. "Maybe we could go to camp England for updates every now and again?" comes one suggestion. "Updates? UPDATES?! We'll be there all the bloody time, even when they're gone, even if we are literally just showing empty rooms where they used to be. No, no, we need more..." A bit like Phil Jagielka, the big boss man isn't for turning. "What about something to do with Rio, sir?" comes a quietly-spoken voice from the back of the room. "We're in Rio you buffoon!" "No, Ferdinand sir. Rio Ferdinand. We could do something with his name sir, a play on words sir..." "Yes, yes, I like it..." "I'VE GOT IT!" yells an excited could have Rio Ferdinand dancing on different bits of the Copacabana beach... on the sand. We could fly Diversity featuring Ashley Banjo out too, and they could all, y'know, dance... on the sand."

Silence. "You at the back, what was your idea?" "How about just Rio doing stuff in Rio de Janeiro sir. When the World Cup's on sir. We could call it 'Rio in Rio' sir." "Get that man a huge pay rise, a company car and charge it to the taxpayer - I LOVE IT!"

And so, in the primetime slot of 11.40pm on a Monday night, immediately after some Ulster-Scots guff, Rio in Rio went from pipe dream to reality.

And just as had been imagined, Rio 2006's Rio's World Cup WindUps was his Bad Taste, to draw comparison with Oscar-winning director Peter Jackson, then Rio in Rio was Lord of the Rings (the one where Gollum was royally merked when the precious bling was snatched away from him. Braaap, braaap, braaap!).

Just over 24 hours after appearing on BBC1's World Cup final coverage dressed as a flight attendant, Rio Ferdinand set about discovering the real Rio - the truth about the country's socio-economic problems, the poverty levels and the threat that hangs over thousands of residents of Danny Dyer. "I've been warned about coming to these places," he I-better-keep-menet-daaaaaaannn-ed. "I've seen it on TV, the film City of God. What am I doing here?"

With a camera crew and half the local police force in tow, though, Rio felt safe enough as he took a tour and played a bit of football with some local kids, none of whom had the slightest idea who he was.

In one of the show's more sincere moments, Rio Ferdinand turned into Rio Hood as he travelled back to England and, after clearing out his locker at Old Trafford, returned to Rio with a sackful of Man United jerseys for a soccer club run by a local street cleaner.

So well done BBC, and well done Rio(s). As a post-World Cup effort, this wasn't too bad - and please, keep the plays on footballers' names coming.

I'm looking forward to Gazza in Gaza already.