AS the final countdown to the XXII Winter Olympiad in Sochi, Russia began in earnest this week, there was only one question hovering on the chapped lips of every man, woman and stray dog alike in the picturesque Black Sea Coast resort: Where does an Olympian bunged to the oxters with Alpen need to go to have a good, er, 'Shaun White' in peace round these parts?
The decision by the American snowboarder of that convenient name to opt out of one of his two planned events may well have raised a few frosty eyebrows. Nothing worse than being caught between
two stools, Shaun. But the number one - and presumably number two - story doing the Twitter rounds via big Vladimir's sandbox was the shambolic nick of the men's bogs rather than the shambolic nick of the men's Slopestyle.
Images of partition-free pots, tap water the colour of yellow snow, urinals built into the floor and an infographic outlining some weird 'toiletiquette' such as a fishing ban (brown trout probably) all plopped into Twitter can to lay bare the crisis.
This isn't just a case of toilet humour for the sake of it, just in case you're starting to get
your ski poles in a knot. We're not really into pulling people's chains. No way. The build-up to these Games has simply been constipated by one s**tstorm after another, excuse the paradox. It has been far from Charmin', let me tell you, and sometimes the lid/seat simply needs lifted.
First of all, there was the outrageous $51billion-plus construction costs, which experts agree was $52billion-plus too much. Then there was
Stephen Fry. Then there was the yoghurt drought. Then there was the Islamist militant threat. Then there was the contract to exterminate the thousands of stray dogs (not by Islamists). Then there was the computer and phone hacking. Then there was the Jamaican bobsleigh team, Winston and Marvin, losing their luggage and, er, gear on the way to Sochi (I s**t you not.) And now the honkin' stench of Khazigate. The importance of good facilities for productivity cannot be overestimated. Even the Irish News 'office' has been kitted out with a brace of all-singing water-free urinals (pre-pee), while our strictly partitionist cubicles have had Colin, Justin and Jimmy Corkhill's daughter in them for the 60-minute treatment too by the look of them. The relief on people's faces as they emerge from their 10-minute mind holiday these days is, quite frankly, a joy to behold. Meanwhile, should you need all the latest on what's going down (or not) in Sochi, pour yourself a large Smirnoff, get yourself on Twitter and type #SochiProblems for a sneak peek into Putin's paradise. Just don't do it on the throne. Unless you want a numb ass.