Opinion

Patrick Murphy: When it comes to talk of a united Ireland, we've heard it all before

Patrick Murphy

Patrick Murphy

Patrick Murphy is an Irish News columnist and former director of Belfast Institute for Further and Higher Education.

Sinn Féin president Mary Lou McDonald has said there is support among the public for a border poll. Picture by Liam McBurney, Press Association
Sinn Féin president Mary Lou McDonald has said there is support among the public for a border poll. Picture by Liam McBurney, Press Association Sinn Féin president Mary Lou McDonald has said there is support among the public for a border poll. Picture by Liam McBurney, Press Association

I really do not have time to talk to you today. I am much too busy preparing for a united Ireland. Mary Lou McDonald said last week that unionists should start planning for a united Ireland and I thought we should all do the same.

So I am typing this with one hand and ironing a tricolour with the other, looking across Carlingford Lough to see if Irish army landing craft are invading south Down.

Occasionally I go to the front door to listen for the distant rumblings of tanks as they roll across the border, with Leo Varadkar, or maybe even Mary Lou herself, leading a panzer division into Newry, while local civilians throw flowers at the liberating army, shouting, "God Bless the European Union".

Isn't it great to be alive these days? I have not felt so Irish since the Free State soccer team beat England one time, but I cannot remember when.

So, you ask, how should we prepare? Well, you could stock up on food, stay indoors and stick a tricolour out the window. Of course, if you are Protestant, you would be well advised to become a Catholic, so that you will no longer be British. Application forms will be available in all post offices, except in the south, where most post offices have been closed.

Completing the form is simple. Just explain in less than twenty words why you want to become a Catholic, or in less than thirty words if you want to be fashionable and become a lapsed Catholic.

Yes, that is indeed a sceptical attitude towards talk of a united Ireland, but it comes from having heard the same story for 50 years. In 1969 the Provisional IRA told us that the civil rights campaign was a waste of time. It was, they said, a united Ireland or nothing. So they began blowing up shops and offices and sometimes the people in them, but a united Ireland never came.

So they killed RUC and UDR members, British soldiers, loyalist paramilitaries and civilians. The headlines in An Phoblacht, throughout the 1970s promised that next year would be the year of freedom. But it never came.

They killed nine people on Bloody Friday and they told us that 1973 would bring a united Ireland. When it failed to arrive, they killed 21 civilians in Birmingham in 1974, although what those people were doing to prevent a united Ireland I could never understand.

So the killing went on and each new generation was told it just needed one more push for Irish unity. When state-supported loyalists killed Catholics, we were told that our day would come.

To make sure it came, the IRA murdered ten Protestants coming home from work at Kingsmill on a cold January night and left their bodies lying on the wet road. But the united Ireland they promised still did not come and the killing went on and on and on.

A united Ireland never came because there were supposedly too many informers in the IRA. So they appointed a man to kill all those he said were informers, but it turned out that he was the chief informer. So the killing continued until nearly 4,000 were dead.

Then one day they said the war was over. Loads of people drove down the Falls Road claiming that a united Ireland was almost here. Those who had supported the killing now said the new way to Irish unity was through Stormont, provided we recognised the legitimacy of the border.

For 20 years in Stormont they helped to shrink the welfare state, cut back on health and education and attacked the odd one who dared criticise them. Those who shamefully praised Stormont for many years, now shamelessly tell us how terrible it was.

And then we were told there was a better way: leaving Stormont and demanding a border poll, even though nationalists agreed the border was legitimate.

Now they tell us that we need just one more post-Brexit push and we will be there. In fact we are so close that unionists should start planning for a united Ireland. While you might not agree with this column's sceptical response to that claim, maybe you will understand it.

Ah but, you say, this year is different. Of course it is, like every year for 50 years. So when Mary Lou promises impending Irish unity, if I had a tricolour I would fold it in the official manner, beginning by placing the orange over the white, before putting it back in the drawer.

And then I would go and turn the iron off.