Opinion

Claire Simpson: Tory Brexiteers’ band of Dad’s Army idiots means we’re all doomed

In Sammy Wilson's view we're all doomed under Theresa May's Brexit plans
In Sammy Wilson's view we're all doomed under Theresa May's Brexit plans In Sammy Wilson's view we're all doomed under Theresa May's Brexit plans

It’s rare that a politician has the self-awareness to admit one of their campaigns has gone awry.

In what may have been a terrible realisation for Jacob Rees-Mogg, a journalist told him last week that his band of Tory Brexiteers’ attempts to unseat Theresa May had a “Dad’s Army” feel.

“I’ve always quite admired Captain Mainwaring,” he replied, which seemed rather silly of him. Rees-Mogg can only dream of having the leadership skills of the middle-aged bank manager from the fictional Walmington-on-Sea. The only thing they have in common is the same taste in glasses.

If anything it’s Theresa May who is Mainwaring, desperately trying to maintain order within her platoon while useless posh fool Rees-Mogg, aka Sergeant Wilson, rolls his eyes and asks his fellow Brexiteers if they wouldn’t mind awfully but he’d quite like them to add their names to the 48 signatures needed to oust their captain.

I hope that as Rees-Mogg glanced at his band of all-male, all-pale and all-stale Eurosceptics he had a brief moment when he wondered if he was quite wise to try and stage a coup.

Conservative MP Jacob Rees-Mogg:  "I've always admired Captain Mainwaring"
Conservative MP Jacob Rees-Mogg: "I've always admired Captain Mainwaring" Conservative MP Jacob Rees-Mogg: "I've always admired Captain Mainwaring"

The European Research Group is a curious name for a gaggle of idiots who neither know anything about Europe nor have done any research into it.

But that hasn’t stopped them from trying to undermine the best hope we have of trying to avoid a disastrous no deal Brexit. Everyone from charities, to business owners and farmers’ unions have agreed that although Theresa May’s withdrawal bill is far from perfect, it’s better than leaving the European Union with no deal at all.

The trouble with the Brexiteers is that they’re good at pointing out things they don't like but bad at providing workable alternatives.

The parade of Tory resignations in the wake of Mrs May's draft deal only served to highlight that no one knew who most of the MPs were.

Ex-Brexit secretary Dominic Raab grudgingly conceded that there might be some "short-term disruption" if the UK crashed out of the EU without a formal agreement but insisted the government could "manage or mitigate" it, without giving any detail of how this would be done.

The DUP’s Edwin Poots took a similar approach when he was taken to task on social media last week.

The Lagan Valley representative told a fellow Twitter user he didn’t support Mrs May’s withdrawal deal, a no deal Brexit or no Brexit at all. Instead, he said, his party wanted an 'acceptable' deal but did not outline how that could be achieved.

"Problem is Remain civil servants negotiating, not up to the job," he tweeted.

That was a new one. Now it’s the fault of unelected public servants, not the elected representatives who backed Brexit, for the failure to reach a deal which is acceptable to the DUP.

If Rees-Mogg is Sergeant Wilson then Poots is the ineffectual 'stupid boy' Private Pike.

Sammy Wilson, the DUP’s Brexit spokesman, is of course gloomy Scottish undertaker Private Frazer who constantly seeks power then allows it to immediately go to his head. In Sammy’s view we’re all doomed, doomed!

Dad’s Army worked so well as a comedy because underneath the jokes was the understanding that there was a real, very dangerous, enemy who wanted to invade.

Brexit is a tragedy because there is no external enemy, no group of rabid European supporters who want to control and dominate the UK.

Instead it is battling Tory, and to a lesser extent DUP, forces who want to take control.

The DUP would rather alienate farmers and the entire business community rather than accept a workable withdrawal deal.

Tory Brexiteers, including human-embodiment-of-a-troll-doll Boris Johnston, would rather preside over the smoking ruins of a country rather than give up their ludicrous vision of a UK which doesn’t need immigration or a decent relationship with our closest neighbours.

Brexit may well be the single most idiotic decision a country has made but there is still time to change it.

We’re not the citizens of Pompeii caught out by the eruption of Mount Vesuvius. It’s become clear over the last two years that Brexit will not mean an instant cash injection for the NHS or any other pipe dreams the Brexiteers managed to sell.

Surely the most sensible and democratic solution would be to ask voters what they think of a final deal? But that might be too reasonable. As Captain Mainwaring might say: “I think you’re getting into the realms of fantasy now”.