Mind-boggling Brexit circus coming soon to a town near you
Roll up, roll up, get your tickets here for the most spectacularly bizarre show on earth. Yes, the most stupendous, most prodigious, most titanic, most utterly mind-boggling Brexit circus is coming to town. Prepare to be dazzled by an array of exquisite performers the likes of whom you have never seen before (and, hopefully, never will again). Yes, among our astounding troupe we can boast the one-and-only world-renowned high-wire act Tessa ‘Wobbly’ May. Tessa has performed her breathtaking act of gravity defiance all over the globe, most recently appearing in Switzerland in a totally underwhelming double act with that other illustrious tightrope virtuoso Donny ‘Stable genius’ Trump. And for your further delectation we present two of the most prestigious acrobats ever to grace the political circus scene – none other than Jerry (Twister) Corbyn and his trusty sidekick knight of the realm Sir Careful Starmer. We have contortionists that will blow your mind for the astonishing magnificence of their malformation, the infamous and pompous Brextremist twins Jacko Re-Smogg and his Scots-Irish brother-in-arms Eoghan O’Paterson. And we have proficient jugglers by the score specially flown in from the Brexit negotiations in Brussels. We will present for the first-time ever an astounding original act that will leave you gasping with wonderment at the sheer audacity of their plate spinning dexterity – the Great Dupers. Yes, we proudly unveil a trio unsurpassed in keeping cracked plates (like the
Tories) aloft – our very own Nige ‘Dodger’ Dodds, Jeff ‘Spinner’ Donaldson, and Sam ‘It’s Brexit but not as we know it’ Wilson. And if such artistry fails to beguile, we present newcomer lion-tamers of extraordinary fortitude and perseverance, Leo ‘The Lion’ Varadkar, and Si ‘Corky’ Coveney.
But the stand-out stars of our exceptional extravaganza have got to be the world-famous clowns Dave ‘Dithering’ Davis, Bo ‘Jaunty’ Johnson, and Micky ‘Gunner’ Gove. These hilarious clowns will have you rolling in the aisles with every nonsensical Brexit utterance and every empty and broken promise.
You will laugh hysterically at their ridiculous posturing and hapless manoeuvres as they vainly try to dislodge Wobbly May from her wire on high, and you will split your sides at the utter mess they make of the circus ring before they sheepishly make their shameful exit from Brexit.
And, finally, in charge of all this bounteous munificence is a ringmaster beyond compare, the unique, the magnificent, Mike ‘Barnstormer’ Barnier.
This supreme master of puppetry will deftly guide you through your programme of exquisite entertainment on the night. You will leave content in the knowledge that the Brexit circus is in safe hands, and that the looming economic disaster lying in wait for the UK will have nothing to do with Barnstormer himself. He, after all, was not the one who pressed the button labelled ‘self-destruct’.
EAMON OLIVER CASSIDY
Omagh, Co Tyrone
Pertinent questions about three-way nature of united Ireland
Sean Maskey (January 18) asks some pertinent questions about the three-way nature of a United Ireland. Would it be a unitary single state? Would it be an independent 32-county socialist state? Would it be a Federal Ireland?
A federalist maintains that a single unitary state as a republic won’t happen as there is more than one million Protestant/loyalists in Northern Ireland who are loyal to the Crown in varying degrees of intensity and these people have no intention of changing their allegiance.
A Cuban-style socialist republic isn’t on for the same reasons as a united Ireland as a republic and because existing socialist republics are undemocratic and such a state isn’t acceptable to Irish democrats. A federal kingdom of Ireland is the only acceptable option left where this option accepts loyalty by all to a reformed Crown and to a reformed Ireland. There should be an assembly in each of the four provinces with a central government in Dublin.
In a federal kingdom of Ireland identity should be clearly defined in a written constitution. Each citizen should be defined as Irish who is loyal both to a reformed Crown and to a reformed Ireland. Loyalty is a wholesome human attribute but has been corrupted by republican violence and by British state violence and oppression.
Would we be better off in a federal Kingdom of Ireland? That all depends upon the Irish central and provincial governments and on a hard-working educated people.
As an economist I would be the first to stress the importance of a thriving economy to the well being of each Irish person. There is no royal road to wealth creation. Every state has a wealth ceiling that can be raised by the dint of hard work by the people supported by an insightful government. There is no economic reason why the wealth ceiling of the federal kingdom of Ireland shouldn’t be on a par with the wealth ceilings of the well-to-do democratic kingdoms of Northern Europe.
Kilfennan, Co Derry
BBC’s lead balloonists
I am writing to complain about some of our home grown TV comedies. In particular Give My Head Peace and The Blame Game. Week after week it’s the same old topics being trotted out in search of laughter from an audience that more than often have availed of free tickets. Repetition of the same old subjects are the order of the day. The MLAs in Stormont, people in west Belfast on DLA and the most flogged horse of all, Gerry Adams’s alleged involvement with the IRA.
They seem incapable of moving outside this narrow view that they perceive as rib-tickling humour.
Be thankful for small mercies that Give My Head Peace is back for only three weeks. I watched episode one and like my friends I have never witnessed such a dreadful display of drivel from beginning to end. People from all strands of the entertainment world more or less seem to know when it’s time to bow out gracefully. It’s time that this clique of alleged comedians left the stage at the earliest opportunity.
The late Great James Young would turn in his grave.
Reinstate direct rule
It is more than a year since the Northern Ireland Assembly elections and still no sign of a goverment being formed at Stormont. Is it now time to abolish the Northern Ireland Assembly and reinstate direct rule from Westminster.
Both the DUP and Sinn Féin have shown nothing but arrogance for the people of Northern Ireland. Is it now time to replace local political parties in Northern Ireland with ‘national’ political parties? The Conservatives and UKIP are already organised and fight elections in the province, now it is time for Labour and the Liberal Democrats to do the same.
Northern Ireland claims to be part of the United Kingdom. It is now time for its people to be able to vote for Labour or the Conservatives rather than for the narrow politics of Sinn Féin and the DUP
So much for ‘confidence and supply’
So much for Arlene and her DUP’s ‘confidence and supply’ love-in with their Tory masters in London.
To date all Mrs May appears to have ‘supplied’ are P45s for loyal Ulster workers.
It really is arrogance sapping stuff.