Opinion

Anita Robinson: Pride and Prejudice gives a new meaning to 'pet sounds'

Pet cats and dogs can look forward to getting their own audiobooks of classics such as Pride and Prejudice this Christmas
Pet cats and dogs can look forward to getting their own audiobooks of classics such as Pride and Prejudice this Christmas Pet cats and dogs can look forward to getting their own audiobooks of classics such as Pride and Prejudice this Christmas

AUDIBLE, Amazon's audiobook service, has recruited a 'dog-whisperer' to produce a selection of classic literature audiobooks to keep dogs happy while their owners are out.

Apparently the consistently even tone of the reader's voice keeps dogs calm.

Pride and Prejudice and The Wind in the Willows are but two of the titles available.

While I applaud the good taste of the selectors, can you imagine the kind of conversations they'll engender? "No, I haven't read War and Peace myself - but my dog has." Sometimes I think the world's gone clean mad.

Personally, I'm profoundly anti-pet. I wouldn't have a dog, cat, cage-bird or any other class of livestock about the place.

Like Cruella de Vil, I am immune to the liquid-eyed appeal of puppies and kittens.

A pet is just another dependent creature to be responsible for - and anybody with a spouse and children has enough on their plate. A pet's not just for Christmas. Children at least grow to independence and leave.

From an early age Daughter Dear, who had a penchant for waifs and strays and would cry for the ducks going barefoot - a trait she certainly didn't inherit from me - persecuted us for a pet.

We were adamant. We remained pet-free until one stormy December night, a small grey shadow ran under the wheels of my car as we stopped at traffic-lights.

Sharp-eyed Daughter was out of the car like a rocket, returning with a tiny, shivering bundle of wet fur, mewing piteously.

"That cat goes in the morning," thundered the Loving Spouse, doing his best Mr Barrett of Wimpole Street impression.

While I applaud the good taste of the selectors, can you imagine the kind of conversations they'll engender? "No, I haven't read War and Peace myself - but my dog has." Sometimes I think the world's gone clean mad

Every animal shelter in Northern Ireland was full. A day stretched into a week and Cloudy's tenure lasted 11 long years.

Daughter Dear vowed she would be entirely responsible for her care - a resolution which lasted less than a month.

Cloudy clawed the curtains, vandalised two sofas and regarded me with a baleful stare of pure hatred.

I reciprocated by cordially detesting her. The Loving Spouse simply ignored her, considering the whole episode the thin end of a very thick wedge.

Daughter Dear was the only one who loved her. We lived more than a decade in a state of resentful truce, paying vet's bills and Cloudy's accommodation in a cattery while we were on holiday - have you seen the price of kennel-ing a cat for a week?

The Loving Spouse got very tetchy if I lingered too long in the supermarket pet food aisle looking for Cloudy's favourite flavours.

She didn't like fish. "Fergawdsake, she's not a gourmet - she's a cat," he would sputter.

Daughter Dear grew in wisdom, age and grace. Cloudy merely aged, developed arthritis and we had to leave the summer seat out all year round so she could climb up to access her favourite basking spot on the window sill.

She also shed copiously, but being grey, at least it matched the carpets. Thus we lived in a state of mutual animosity until Daughter Dear left home.

Would you believe, the day before her departure, a trembling, half-starved little tiger-striped kitten presented itself on our back doorstep.

Cloudy went berserk and had to be shut in the garage. The Loving Spouse practically had to be put in the garage too.

The upshot was Daughter Dear took Skipper - for so she named it - with her in Cloudy's expensive cat-carrier.

The Loving Spouse was flummoxed. "I've heard of people taking a little piece of Ireland with them when they leave, but this is ridiculous."

The moment Skipper's paws touched English soil he became 'Paddy' and thrives to this day, a strapping, handsome tomcat, in company with Layla, the second cat, Izzy the dog and Ollie the horse.

You can imagine how much I enjoy visiting.

All the pets get presents at Christmas. Last year, after much cogitation, I got Izzy some Bottom Sniffer non-alcoholic beer for dogs, but was already losing sleep over this year's gift.

Izzy's a very lady-like little creature. I think she would enjoy Pride and Prejudice.

Thank you Amazon for your inspiration. Have you anything suitable for a horse?