Life’s a constant contradiction. Never have we been made more aware of our rights over our own bodies, to dress and behave as we please, (within the bounds of law and decency,) to accept or reject intimacy and pay reciprocal respect to the personal space of others – yet our interaction with others has become increasingly relaxed.
Social etiquette is rapidly eroding, the rigid rule-book torn up and starchy formality replaced with casual, more demonstrative ease. We’re a lot more touchy-feely than we used to be.
I’m amused by a recent study from the Journal of Cross-Cultural Psychology on the appropriate physical distance to keep from others – from strangers (3½ feet), a personal acquaintance (2½ feet) and a close relationship (1½ feet). Were we chilly Romanians, the distances would be greater; if hot-blooded Argentinian, practically in yer face.
‘Personal space’ is the area around ourselves that developed historically as a defensive measure to protect us from danger – our spontaneous instinct to back off when threatened or subjected to unwelcome attention. In crowds, on packed trains or buses, our personal space is invaded, eroded, and we feel stressed – yet pop devotees sacrifice themselves willingly to the crush of humanity gathered for the unanimous adulation of their idol. Similarly, football spectators, shoulder to shoulder on the terraces aren’t afflicted, unless they happen to be ‘sardined’ among the rival team’s fans.
I suppose it’s all to do with context. Babies, bless them, too young to resist having their personal space invaded by looming faces, tickling fingers and being handed round in pass-the-parcel mode, sensibly respond by going rigid and screaming. As a small child I stoically endured elderly uncles squidging my face with their fingers while bestowing a half-crown and smothering aunties smelling of Sloan’s Liniment demanding kisses. Refusal was not an option and the half-crown lasted longer than the ordeal.
Some encroaches on personal space are not entirely unwelcome. Watch a group of tweenagers slouch aimlessly round the town, the boys teasing, the girls showing off and leading them on, mock-wrestling over snatched bags or beanie hats – the initial tussles in the battle of the sexes. Here too are the ‘first loves’, joined at the hip like contestants in a three-legged race, oblivious to all but each other.
Later, do you recall the agony of dances? Too nicely brought up to refuse, you took to the floor with some unprepossessing chancer with damp hands and no conversation, praying it wouldn’t be a slow set. It always was. There are songs I can’t listen to for the memories they evoke. We only take offence at an invasion of our personal space if it’s unwelcome attention. Think of the literal truth of the term ‘stand-offish’, or ‘to hold at arm’s length’. Think of the acquaintance you don’t particularly like who buttonholes you and converses six inches from your face.
Our parents’ generation were generally undemonstrative, observing a strict pecking order about who got a handshake or a hug. We, on the other hand are almost incontinently affectionate – one might say ‘all-embracing’. The social hug, the social kiss, are de rigeur now with anybody we’ve known more than a fortnight – which is not to denigrate the gesture. The benison of touch is therapeutic to the soul, a hand to hold or an arm round the shoulders, a token of affection or empathy.
Man to man, things have got more tactile. Male friends exchange masculine hugs, clasping each other closely while focusing on the middle distance and thumping each other fondly on the back – the number of thumps often in direct proportion to the amount of drink consumed. On the field of sport, success triggers a mass launch of team-mates into a heaving pyramid of bodies with the object of their approbation at the bottom of the pile.
Some find the social hugging habit an irritating and insincere affection. Maybe so – but lighten up. Not one of us outgrows the need to be liked, appreciated or loved. We’re all gladdened by the comforting warmth of human contact. G’won… gis a hug!
