Opinion

Claire Simpson: Dear Europe, breaking up is never easy

Anti-Brexit campaigners stage a 'customs post' at Stormont. Picture by Hugh Russell
Anti-Brexit campaigners stage a 'customs post' at Stormont. Picture by Hugh Russell Anti-Brexit campaigners stage a 'customs post' at Stormont. Picture by Hugh Russell

Dear Europe,

It's not you, it's me. Yeah we had some good times - remember those agricultural subsidies, freedom of movement, PEACE and INTERREG funding? You gave me so much - fundamental human rights, consumer protection, helped me fight crime, but it's not really working any more is it?

So I'm going to leave, not just now, but in a couple of years. Enough time for you to get yourself sorted. "We already miss you," you say, "let's stay friends," you say. I say: "There's no turning back".

It's not great. I'm sad. So sad, as the great Donald Trump would say. But it was your fault in a way, wanting to change me, making me do away with my proper light bulbs, messing around with my jam, and stopping me from buying a proper, powerful Hoover. Yes I know I never did much hoovering but that's not the point. If we're going to get picky why were you always going on about food? No curved cucumbers or bendy bananas, insisting I learn the difference between a turnip and a swede. That's why I'm definitely, absolutely, leaving this time.

Since I am leaving though, I thought it would be good manners to check you don't mind if I stay on a bit. Say for another 730 more days, give or take a few, just to get everything settled? I mean we have to decide who owns what, which of your laws I'm going to keep and whether there are going to be customs posts at the Irish border. No return to the borders of the past I say. There's no need to worry about specifics now.

What about Scotland, you say? I keep forgetting about her. Maybe we should wait until things are sorted between us before we get into all that. She might want to stay with you but it's not up to her is it? There are three of us involved, you, me and her, and I have the world's oldest parliament and a proper prime minister, which technically makes me the boss. I'll be making my own laws soon and what I say goes.

So just to recap, in two years' time it'll be over. I've put up a clock in the kitchen just so you know exactly how many days, hours, minutes and seconds we have left. Since I'll be here for a while there's no need to split everything just yet. I can still send you exports worth billions of pounds can't I? And you'll still give me funding for educational programmes?

No I wasn't planning on giving you any extra money, not now I'm leaving. Oh you mean like a kind of settlement? £50 billion seems a bit harsh. How am I supposed to get my hands on that kind of money? How about half that? I might just be able to stretch to £25 billion provided that horrible Angela Merkel doesn't get involved. Or would you consider taking a few little islands instead? How much for the Scilly Isles and the Outer Hebrides? I'd even give you Guernsey at a push. No not Jersey - that's one of the better ones. You don't want to bankrupt me do you? I've given you so much money already.

You shouldn't push me, what with the whole security thing. I've spent so many years gathering intelligence on terrorism, crime and strange neighbours like Russia. You need my information, need me to warn you of possible threats, and once I leave I can take it all away.

Maybe let's not talk about security now. We have been together a long time, since 1973 if I remember right. It all seemed so promising back then didn't it? It wasn't long before we were able to roam freely, share our goods and services. It was going pretty well. Then you wanted us to have a single currency, you pushed me, wanted me to get rid of the pound, wanted to change what we had. Maybe that's when it all started to go wrong.

We should just remember the good times and not agree to anything hasty. If I've missed anything, I'll put it right later, just trust me. Let's have a new and special relationship, a deeper relationship that's actually better than the one we had when we were together. We'll still be close, we just won't share anything any more. And I'll finally be able to make my own mistakes without blaming them on you.

Yours,

The UK (apart from Northern Ireland and Scotland who didn't want to sign this)