Opinion

Tom Kelly: Male voice also needs heard in abortion debate

Abortion is probably the most contentious issue in Irish politics at the moment. The 'March for Choice' held in Dublin in September was attended by demonstrators demanding change to Ireland's abortion laws, and a referendum on the issue is likely to be held next summer
Abortion is probably the most contentious issue in Irish politics at the moment. The 'March for Choice' held in Dublin in September was attended by demonstrators demanding change to Ireland's abortion laws, and a referendum on the issue is lik Abortion is probably the most contentious issue in Irish politics at the moment. The 'March for Choice' held in Dublin in September was attended by demonstrators demanding change to Ireland's abortion laws, and a referendum on the issue is likely to be held next summer

ABORTION is probably the most contentious issue faced by Irish society in modern times and all political parties north and south are grappling with their position on the matter.

The protagonists in the debate are dominated by extremes in both the pro-life and pro-choice lobbies.

They seem to live in a self-affirming world of black and white and absolutes, but life isn't like that.

As the sides line up for the referendum in the Republic on the issue, the debate is already showing the signs of acrimony that one has come to expect.

Sinn Féin appears to be taking a more overt approach to the issue by sensing a generational shift in attitudes towards abortion.

It's a high stakes gamble. Whilst many people want more clarity in the law concerning abortion, just how far the Irish public want to go on this issue is unclear.

Both Sinn Féin and the SDLP say they are pro-life yet one senses a huge 'but' coming.

Over the years some of my female friends who have had abortions told me that it was not an easy choice. It was painful and they have often reflected on it.

Most of them live with their decision and know it was the right one for their own personal circumstances. And who can judge them?

None of the abortions involved rape, a fatal foetal abnormality or physical danger to their health; that having their babies could have damaged their mental health I have no doubt.

I know only too well from my own experience of a woman having babies with whom she could make no emotional commitment damaged both the mother and the children.

Would I prefer that woman - who was my mother - didn't have me?

Well no; she gave me the gift of life and for that I became loved and loved.

She gave the same to my siblings. We learned that it was pointless seeking something from someone who was incapable of giving it.

As for my friends, I know that despite my own misgivings on abortion, I support and love them no less.

That said, one of my friends is racked with guilt over her decision. Her circumstances were very different. She was married with children when she had a brief fling which resulted in an unwanted pregnancy.

She knew there was no future in her affair and her partner ran from the situation as quickly as he could when he heard of her predicament. She felt trapped in an impossible situation.

If she had the baby, she risked the end of her marriage and possible estrangement from her children. She couldn't confide in her mother.

Ultimately, she decided to have the abortion - the lesser of two evils, as she saw it.

One night she told me her story. I was aghast that someone could be so isolated that they would feel that they would have to make such a decision without a friend, confidant or family member to speak to.

I was naive to believe that. People, of course, find themselves in dark spaces with no obvious escape. I have been there too.

I asked her would the decision have been any different if there had been someone there to listen.

She waited a full five minutes before answering. The silence was uncomfortable.

Watching her children grow up and now raising their own family, she said back then she would never been brave enough to have made that choice to keep the baby.

Did she make the right choice? Who is to judge? What is very clear is that some women are forced to make life-changing decisions alone and in isolation and without the proper support from institutions and society. Why have we not addressed that situation?

On a personal level I struggle with the concept of abortion. There are those in the pro-choice lobby who believe that my view as a male has no bearing on the issue as they regard it to be an absolute right for a woman.

But that's not true. The decision we make on abortion will affect all of society - not just women.

If we are to have this debate it must be with compassion and humanity.

We don't need ideological zeal on either side; we suffer from enough of that in our politics already.