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UK welcome for refugees from Calais 'Jungle' camp

Shamsher Sherin (13) arrives at Lunar House in Croydon, south London from the Jungle camp in Calais. Picture by Philip Toscano, PA
Shamsher Sherin (13) arrives at Lunar House in Croydon, south London from the Jungle camp in Calais. Picture by Philip Toscano, PA Shamsher Sherin (13) arrives at Lunar House in Croydon, south London from the Jungle camp in Calais. Picture by Philip Toscano, PA

GREETINGS child refugees! Congratulations on being selected to leave the Calais ‘Jungle’ camp.

Now you’ve finally arrived in the UK after months of trying to claim asylum you’ll be looking forward to starting your new lives.

Some of you may have been concerned at recent newspaper reports that you're not actually children, but adults in disguise, rather like that terrible film Little Man where a dad accidentally adopts a very small criminal as his son.

But never fear, we won’t make you watch that film, really you’ve suffered enough.

That being said, we’ve had to introduce some extra checks, just to make sure you’re not telling any fibs about your age and are actually 57.

As part of these rigorous new procedures, we’d like you to complete this simple test.

Please circle which of the following answers apply.

Question 1.

Are you:

a) a young boy?

b) a young boy who looks a bit older because you've survived several bomb attacks?

c) a teenager who’s spent two years trying to claim asylum?

d) a refugee who lied about your age because you've already travelled thousands of miles and don't want to go back to a city that's under constant bombardment?

Question 2.

Do you:

a) Look like a young boy?

b) Look like a teenager?

c) Look like an adult?

d) Don't know what you look like any more because you've been too busy worrying about where you're actually going to live?

Question 3.

Do you own a razor?

a) No.

b) I don't shave.

c) Since you ask, I've noticed a few hairs on my chin. Does hitting puberty mean I'm no longer a child? I can still stay can’t I?

d) This seems like a stupid question.

Question 4.

Have you ever been a member of Isis?

a) No.

b) What's Isis?

c) They’re the group I’m trying to escape from.

d) If I were in Isis why would I bother to go through this rigmarole?

Question 5.

Conservative MP David Davis thinks you should have your teeth or wrist bones X-rayed to check your real age. What is your response to this?

a) I agree. Mr David seems like a reasonable man who speaks nothing but sense.

b) Fair enough, so long as you don't employ Sweeney Todd to do the checks.

c) Who's David Davis?

d) That sounds a bit intrusive. Are you sure exposing me to radiation is completely necessary?

Question 6.

Facial recognition software has said you're actually 28. Have you been lying to us?

a) Of course not.

b) Living in a refugee camp meant I wasn’t able to moisturise daily.

c) There must be some mistake.

d) Is this the same facial recognition software that consistently gets people’s ages wrong? I mean there’s no way that Nigel Farage is only 52.

Question 7.

Can you be trusted to go to the shops for me?

a) Of course.

b) Actual shops that haven't been targeted by a Syrian/Russian bombing campaign?

c) I don’t have any money.

d) Is this a joke?

Mostly As

Many congratulations! Welcome to your new home, provided you agree not to age, lose any of your cuteness or fail to show complete and unwavering gratitude at all times. Make sure you don’t embarrass us by complaining about your housing conditions or how you’ve been treated.

Mostly Bs

Some congratulations! We've decided to provisionally accept you into the country. All we have to do now is interview any relatives you have in the UK, interview you again even though we already did that in France, take your finger-prints, find any other records about you and complete a series of simple cross-checks that will take mere months to complete.

Mostly Cs

Don't bother unpacking. We haven't decided whether to keep you yet. We're going to ask a random sample of people online whether they'd be happy having vulnerable children or adults in their community or whether they're worried you're all murderers and rapists because you look a bit foreign.

Mostly Ds

You must be joking. Are you even sure you're a refugee? You just want free dental and wrist x-rays on the NHS don't you?