Transfer deadline day often comes up with deals that see footballers move to unexpected places, but how would you get on as a player?
Now’s your chance to see where YOU might end up on TDD – will you find yourself at a big club, loaned out, staying put, or even… released?
Here’s the situation – you’re a footballer at a Premier League club fancied for relegation and your contract runs out at the end of the season. You endured a mixed season of football last year, and there are rumours in the papers that you’re looking for a new challenge, but nobody’s sure where to.
1) It’s transfer deadline day and you wake up on a day off from training. You head to the kitchen, but you’re out of milk, and also feel a little lazy. Do you go to the shops (head to option 2) or stay in and put the telly on (skip to option 3)?
2) You go to the shops and head straight for the chilled aisle, but you get spotted ruminating over a slice of cheesecake (banned by the club) by a photographer. He takes a couple of pictures – do you skedaddle (move to option 4), or say hi (option 5 is your destination) in the hope he won’t publish the incriminating images?
3) You settle down on the sofa with a dry bowl of cornflakes, but there’s not a lot on the telly. Sky Sports News it is then to see what’s going down on deadline day. There’s not much happening, so you take to Twitter. Do you tweet about how terrible your cornflakes are (move to option 6), or make a joke about deadline day (skip ahead to option 7)?
4) You run off, but the photographer gets multiple pictures of you escaping and they find their way online. The subsequent speculation only adds to the rumours that you want to leave your club, and fans are nervous. Do you call the club up to clarify your position (go to option 8), or travel in to see the manager (head to option 9)?
5) You say hello, and he’s quite a friendly chap. It turns out he’s a Liverpool club photographer just enjoying a day out, but he happens to mention to you that your name has been mentioned at Anfield. He asks if you’d like to go for lunch and chat football – do you go with him (option 10) or decline (go to option 11)?
6) You tweet: “Wish I’d gone out for milk, these cornflakes are more dry than a Stewart Lee gig.” It gets little reaction on the Twitter-sphere, but a friend invites you out for lunch. Do you go (12) or not (13)?
7) You tweet: “Not much going on this morning. As windows go, I prefer stained-glass to this one.” It receives thousands of retweets, chief among them from Arsenal’s social media team, who write: “Shall we get this party started!?” with a winky emoticon.
Do you reply to their post (option 14) or ignore it altogether (13)?
8) You phone your club up, and while they’re clearly irritated with you, they understand the situation and all is well. While you’re on the phone, however, the manager wants to discuss game time. You were in and out of the starting line-up last year and he wants to speak about it. Are you happy with the minutes you’re getting? Yes, I’m happy to wait for my chance to come (16) or no, I need to be getting more minutes now (17)?
9) You travel to the club, but you only make things worse when fans spot you arriving on your day off – they think it MUST be to hand in a transfer request. The manager’s livid, and calls you into his office for showdown talks. He forces the issue, and asks you if you love the club or not? Do you reply yes (28) or no (29)?
10) You go for a meal with the photographer, who has invited John, a friend of his. After a delicious lunch of fish and chips, it turns out John is a senior official from Liverpool who is hoping to entice you to join the club. A few fans approach and ask for an autograph. While posing for a few selfies, the fans ask if you’re leaving the club. Do you a) vehemently deny it all (18), or b) play it cool and say ‘you never know'(19)?
11) You politely refuse lunch, and agree to go your separate ways. However, the photographer is a keen football fan and is aware of your situation. Before you head off, he asks you how happy you are at your club. Do you say you’re happy where you are (20) or tell him you’re keeping your options open (21)?
12) You go to lunch with your friend, and order the steak. A fellow diner comments on your choice as it arrives – do you tell him to mind his own business (22), or introduce yourself (27)?
13) You choose not to go, instead opting for a walk around the park before dinner that evening. It’s a lovely afternoon, with plenty of kids out playing football. While you’re walking around, a ball rolls towards you, and some kids invite you to join – they need another player for a game. Do you oblige? Yes (23) No (24)
14) You reply to Arsenal’s tweet “Your place or mine?”, a tongue-out emoji and a hashtag. Immediately you receive two texts. One is from your club demanding you call them to discuss the tweet, while another is from an Arsenal official, inviting you down to the club. Do you call your club (25), or travel to Arsenal (26)?
16) The manager is pleased you’re happy to be a squad player for now, and offers you a one-year contract extension. It’s not perfect, but it’ll do. You’re staying!
17) You tell the manager you’re after more minutes, but while you thought that might demonstrate your desire, you actually get loaned to Bolton for 12 months.
18) You vehemently deny that you’re moving, and while this leaves the fans with smiles on their faces, it puts the Liverpool official off. When you get home you’re pleased that you at least have your current club, but by the time you return home you’ve been photographed with the Liverpool official, and your club terminates your contract.
19) You play it cool, and while the fans are unhappy you wouldn’t deny reports you were looking for a move, the Liverpool official likes your vibe – he offers you a contract, and the next chapter of your career begins.
20) You tell the photographer you’re perfectly happy with your current situation at the club. It turns out the photographer is also a friend of your manager’s, and when word gets back to him he’s impressed with your professionalism. While you were hoping for an offer from a big club, at least you’ve got a new one-year contract!
21) You tell the photographer no, you’re not all that pleased with your current situation. Unbeknown to you, the photographer is also a friend of your manager’s and when word gets back to the gaffer he’s irritated by your attitude, and he drops you to the reserves!
22) You tell him to mind his own business, and he duly does. But he’s a photographer and takes loads of pictures of you eating a dessert you shouldn’t be eating and sends them to papers. Your manager sees the images and is seriously unimpressed. Your contract is terminated – and it was all for a slice of cheesecake! Was it worth it?
23) You love football so you join in, and it’s great fun. However, two goals in you’re on the receiving end of a two-footed challenge which results in a minor sprain. The club loan you out to Charlton, unimpressed with your attitude.
24) You leave the ball, and receive abuse from the kids who thought you might join in. But you’ve been well behaved all the way through transfer deadline day, and a three-year deal at your club is your reward!
25) You call the club, but they tell you they’ve been unimpressed with your attitude lately and the Twitter exchange was the final straw. Furthermore, you only had a short space of time to call Arsenal, and by the time you get around to phoning them, the deal is over. Your contract is terminated and you don’t have a club!
26) You decide you’ve had enough of playing lower down the league and travel to Arsenal, who love your attitude and say they want to sign you. Out of nowhere you’ve secured a huge move to one of the league’s biggest clubs!
27) You introduce yourself, and enjoy a lovely afternoon of food with your new friend. He tells you he’s a photographer, and would probably have sent newspapers pictures of you eating what was a pretty unhealthy dinner if you hadn’t been so nice. You all laugh about it, and when you get home, you find out you’ve been offered a new two-year deal at your club. Nice!
28) You reassure the manager that this club is where you heart lies, and he seems pleased with your answer – the club wants to keep you, so offer you a new one-year deal, but they send you out on loan to Portsmouth for three months as a courtesy to a friend on the coaching staff as well.
29) You tell the manager that you don’t love the club, and while he’s upset, he reveals to you that Barcelona have come in for you. With very little time left on your contract, they’ve accepted the offer and you’re off to Spain! Better pack the sun cream…
