It was the slap heard round the world. Minutes after Will Smith smacked comedian Chris Rock at the Oscars ceremony, unwanted hot takes and conspiracy theories abounded.
Claims that the assault was staged, including that Rock was wearing a ‘cheek pad’ to cushion the blow or that Smith used his left hand to hit his chest and generate the sound of the slap, showed that most of us need to get out more.
We already know what Jim Carrey thinks of ‘the incident’, namely: “I'd have announced this morning that I was suing Will for $200 million because that video's gonna be there forever. It's gonna be ubiquitous. That insult is gonna last a very long time.”
Rapper 50 cent could only dream of smacking people live on global television.
“You have to win Oscars to do this kinda sh*t. After I win I’m gonna slap the sh*t out of a few people,” he wrote on Instagram.
It’s always good to have achievable life goals, I suppose.
Sleb Safari has never been in a fight herself, although she is sworn enemies with the seagull who stole a flapjack from her hand at a music festival in 2011.
But never mind these so-called international ‘celebrities’, the question you’re all asking is surely - what’s Richard Madeley’s take on proceedings?
The 65-year-old Good Morning Britain presenter is a veritable opinion-spouting machine, with no subject deemed too trivial.
From inquiring about Ukrainian refugees’ favourite pizza toppings to wondering if death threats to Labour leader Sir Keir Starmer were “that big a deal”, the perma-tanned one’s stream of consciousness ramblings are there to delight Sleb Safari every time she mistakenly switches on the television before 9am.
Madeley also writes an advice column in The Daily Telegraph, weighing in on relatable problems including ‘my brother is trying to steal my inheritance’; ‘my friend has publicly accused my husband of being a snob’ and ‘my financial adviser cut me off without warning - what should I do?’.
Who better to opine on a complex issue which cuts across race in the US, privilege and gender than the man who had to leave I’m A Celebrity ... Get Me Out Of Here! after he slid head first into a sewer of rotten fruit and vegetables?
Richard certainly had some thoughts.
“If a man makes a crude and rude remark about their woman, you are playing with fire," he warned. “I'm not saying it’s right.”
It does sound like you’re saying that Richard but do go on.
Madeley also described Rock, who voiced lovable cartoon zebra Marty in Madagascar, as “the most unpleasant celebrity I've ever had the misfortune of interviewing”.
Sleb wishes more actor could be like The Godfather legend Al Pacino who turned up to the 1975 awards “not completely myself” and learned from fellow star Jeff Bridges that the show would last for three hours rather than the one hour he had expected.
"I thought, 'What am I going to do for the next two hours?'"
Thankfully, Al managed to stay in his seat for the rest of the torturous ceremony without slapping anyone.
Be more Al.
Bennifer’s four kitchens
Good news for those of us despairing over our soaring gas bills as superstars Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez have bought a mansion so large there’ll be no home heating fuel left for the rest of us.
Boasting 10 bedrooms, 17 bathrooms and four kitchens, the £55 million pad in Los Angeles has more facilities than all of the homes combined that Sleb has ever lived in.
Good luck to the pair of them but surely cleaning four hobs and 17 showers will be an absolute nightmare.
If they have any sense, buying shares in Cillit Bang, with its revolutionary ultra-powerful formula, is the only way forward.
Won’t someone think of the racing ferrets?
Medieval news now and re-enactors are outraged that a castle in England will no longer host their festival for environmental reasons.
Herstmonceux Castle in East Sussex withdrew from the annual event after wildflower meadows began blooming in its grounds during the pandemic.
Quote of the year so far must go to re-enactor and ferret enthusiast Cathy Cadden, who has been going to the festival since it started in 1993.
“Now I need to find another show to attend with the ferret racing team,” she said.
"This show was our biggest earner of the year and paid for some of our huge vets bills.”
Sleb Safari likes to imagine a gang of super-fit ferrets racing around various castles in white singlets and matching shorts.
It would be a crime if this very niche sport can’t find a new home.
