Life

Accord Catholic Marriage Care Service and the art of accompaniment

Accord considers it a privilege to be invited into people's lives, providing a space where an honest conversation about difficult issues can develop, writes Deirdre O'Rawe.

Deirdre Eighan and Sean Whelan at the shrine of St Valentine in the Church of Our Lady of Mount Carmel
Deirdre Eighan and Sean Whelan at the shrine of St Valentine in the Church of Our Lady of Mount Carmel Deirdre Eighan and Sean Whelan at the shrine of St Valentine in the Church of Our Lady of Mount Carmel

Pope Francis recently used the phrase `the art of accompaniment' in relation to marriage and family.

Of course this is something usually associated with musicians and musical performances, urging us not to overlook the contribution of the accompanist while we marvel at the talent of the singer.

But as any singer worth their salt will happily admit, the success of the performance also depends on the skill of the accompanist, and certain singers will have a preference for this or that accompanist, and vice versa.

Accord Catholic Marriage Care Service has been supporting - accompanying if you will - couples since 1962. The first Accord centre started in St Mary's Parish in Belfast, offering courses in marriage preparation, and separately in marriage and relationship counselling.

In 2015, across the island of Ireland, Accord's pastoral services supported 17,000 couples in their marriage and family life. In our work we are conscious of the advice of Pope Francis that, "the pace of this accompaniment must be steady and reassuring, reflecting a closeness and compassion which, at the same time, heals, liberates and encourages growth in the Christian life".

In terms of marriage preparation, Denis Bradley, who has worked in the Accord Armagh Centre for many years describes how facilitators "help a couple to prepare each other for marriage".

In this sense, Accord volunteers are involved in what he describes as a "ministry of presence, rooted in the Gospel…we respect and value all couples as they prepare for the Sacrament of Marriage and their lifelong commitment".

Similarly Dr Mary Goss, a longstanding counsellor in the Accord Newry Centre, explains that "the topics covered on our Accord Marriage Preparation Course programme are designed to provide engaged couples with an early warning of what may be the likely areas of difficulty for them as they embark on married life".

It is therefore important that couples complete the course well in advance of the wedding day.

Paradoxically, it is when couples most need to be communicating honestly about their future lives together that they can be most distracted by wedding day preparations, and other people's expectations.

During the Accord course, couples may become aware that there are issues they are unable to discuss or resolve. It may be that they just need time and space with an Accord counsellor to tease out feelings and anxieties. This valuable `time out' may not seem very available if couples are being propelled down the aisle.

The choice to marry must be freely made by both persons. Seldom do a couple decide not to marry but on occasion this has been the outcome. The good news is that there is now a growing trend in the number of couples who, having heard about other Accord services at their Marriage Preparation Course, seek a course of counselling sessions in order to tease out concerns that have arisen.

Some years ago, Dr Kieran McKeown conducted research on Unhappy Marriages, Does Counselling Work? One of the most telling findings from that research was that many couples in counselling expressed a sense that they had lost hope in their ability to restore their relationship to some former happier state.

Dr Goss explains this loss of hope can originate from the fact that "poor communication over time has caused a significant decline in their closeness which in turn has led to them being out of touch with each other at almost every level. It may be that external pressures such as demands made by their extended family, limited employment opportunities, or housing concerns raise stress levels in ways which impact on their capacity to handle day to day decision-making".

In some cases, Dr Goss continues, "the inability of a partner to detach appropriately from his or her family of origin can create a negative dynamic that leaves the other partner feeling isolated and excluded, while for others it will be unresolved issues from earlier in their life that are making sustained commitment to the married relationship an almost insurmountable challenge".

Counsellors provide a safe space where healing can begin and hope is restored.

Accord facilitators and counsellors accept the invitation to accompany couples. Indeed, Accord considers it a privilege to be invited into people's lives, and be given an opportunity to provide a space where an honest conversation about difficult issues can develop. As Denis Bradley puts it, at the end of the day "the real experts in any relationship are the couple themselves".

The "art of accompaniment", according to Pope Francis, can teach us "to remove our sandals before the sacred ground of the other". There are times in any relationship when such a seemingly simple gesture can become complicated, and Accord exists to prepare and support couples both before they marry, and at times when their journey together becomes complicated. Surely, if the art of accompaniment can lead us anywhere, it is to the rediscovery of hope.

Should you wish to avail of Accord's services, or would like to be considered for the personally and professionally fulfilling work as an Accord facilitator or counsellor, please visit www.accord-ni.co.uk or contact us at 028 9023 3002. Our door is always open.

::Deirdre O'Rawe is the Regional Coordinator of Accord Northern Ireland.