I MET up with an old boyfriend just before Christmas last year, who now lives in Spain but had managed to get into the UK for work purposes despite Covid restrictions. We got on well and caught up with what we’d been doing in our lives.
I found out that he’d been married and then divorced about five years ago. Since then, he’s been working hard and doing a fair bit of travel between the UK and Spain. Over the two months he was here, we saw a lot of each other. It became obvious we still had feelings for each other – in fact we ended up in bed quite often.
When he went back to Spain at the beginning of March, I was really upset and thought that’s probably the last I would hear from him. However, he got in contact via Zoom immediately and we‘ve been chatting this way ever since.
Last week he surprised me and asked me to marry him and come to live in Spain. I realised at that moment that I loved him, and that this is what I really want, so I said yes.
My problem is my 32-year-old son, who has never manged to look after himself properly. He seems to lurch from one crisis to the next. He’s a qualified electrician and earns good money but seems incapable of holding a steady job.
He’s also had a few financial problems and I have always bailed him out. I worry what will happen if I leave him on his own. I finally mentioned it all to him last night and he got really angry.
Now I wonder if I have made a terrible mistake. What should I do?
TN
FIONA SAYS: I suspect the reason – or at least part of the reason – your son has never learned to look after himself properly is that you have always been there to sort out whatever mess he finds himself in. This might seem harsh, but I think the time has come for you to address this. His angry response suggests he recognises this and is frightened by it.
However, at 32 he must learn how to live completely independently and resolve his own problems. He is qualified and earns what I assume is a reasonable amount, so this should not be beyond his means.
I am not saying that you suddenly refuse all requests for help. If he has a serious, genuine life problem, of course, you will help – but for day-to-day life problems he must step up for himself.
Talk with him again, reassure him that when you go to the Spain, you won’t suddenly break off all contact. After all, it takes only a moment to call or video chat and moreover, it’s only a two or three-hour flight away from the UK. You’ll still love him and be there for him if really needed.
Then explain that you love this man and want to marry him. Hopefully he will be mature enough to be happy for you. Then, if you are sure that this is what you want, I suggest you grab this opportunity with both hands and have a wonderful time in Spain.
Not everyone has a second chance at happiness and the fact that the two of you have found one another again is very special. The only word of caution I would offer is to suggest you consider why you broke up in the first place and make sure that the reason for this isn’t likely to reoccur.
As for your son, do try to stop worrying about him – I’m sure he will cope perfectly well when he must.
CAN’T BELIEVE MY CHEATING BOYFRIEND LIED TWICE
I SPLIT up with my boyfriend when I found out he’d be seeing someone else. We’d been living together for almost four years, so it really hurt. He moved out and told me he was going to flat-share with a mate. Then about five months ago, we met up again, and he told me he was deeply sorry about what happened and that he had missed me.
He promised me it wouldn’t happen again and, as he seemed genuine, I forgave him. He moved back in and I thought we were happy; we’d made plans for a holiday and even discussed buying a place together.
Then, last week, I found out from a mutual friend that, when we were separated split, he hadn’t been sharing with a mate at all! He had, in fact, been living with the same woman again. When I asked my friend why she hadn’t told me before, she said my boyfriend has sworn her to secrecy. She apologised and said she should never have agreed to it.
I was so angry that I threw all his stuff down the stairs and left a message on his phone telling him never to come back. I assume he collected his stuff because it all disappeared, and I couldn’t face him anyway.
I’ve been badly hurt again and I hate him for it, and right now I feel that I can never trust another man again. I’ve avoided seeing people because I am embarrassed that he tricked me twice. So I stay in, cry, and drink myself to sleep. How do you get over something like this?
AE
FIONA SAYS: I agree you’ve been badly hurt by a man who simply doesn’t understand what it means to be in a trusting, loving relationship, by the sounds of it. He’s been deceitful, selfish, and not above manipulating friends to cover this up. You’ve every right to be angry – but I promise you, you will get over it.
It may not be a quick process unfortunately, but in time, these feelings will fade. In the meantime, please don’t turn to solo drinking at home; that’s probably one of the worst things you can do. It may numb the pain, but it will also stop you from thinking clearly about ways to move on. It may also make you focus too much on fretting about the past, and he’s just not worth it.
Instead change it up, look to introduce fun and healthy new things into your life, new hobbies, new sports or activities, or even new friends. For the moment, don’t be in a hurry to start another relationship. Yes, you made a mistake trusting him again – but forgive yourself and let yourself enjoy life again.
Mistakes are what we learn from too, so when you are ready to start another relationship, use what you’ve learned from this experience to guide you. Also, remember that not all men or indeed all people will be like your boyfriend.
There can be no guarantee that you will never be hurt again, so don’t rush things. Spend time really getting to know someone before committing to them, either as friends or lovers. Listen to what others have to say about them and, if something feels off, walk away.
The last thing you want to do is build a relationship with someone like your ex – but that’s what so many of us do, follow the same pattern. Work out what that pattern is and change your thinking to explore relationships with different kinds of people. You can do this.
I DON’T WANT DOGS NEAR MY BABY
MY IN-LAWS have two dogs that are always very good natured but very excitable. They keep jumping up onto things to get to my baby girl whenever we visit. They only ever lick her face, but I worry that this may be passing on some sort of disease.
I have pushed them away whenever I see it, but my in-laws think I am making a fuss about nothing. I have tried to get them to see that I am serious about this, but they do nothing to stop the dogs. My husband has also spoken to them to no effect.
I don’t want to fall out over this, but I don’t know how much longer I can keep my cool. I now avoid seeing them whenever possible. I don’t want to deny them time with their granddaughter, but I can’t let this go on.
Am I being unreasonable?
LR
FIONA SAYS: No, not at all – this is your baby and how you want to take care of her is important.
While some research suggests that being around dogs from a young age can strengthen a child’s immune system, it’s also true that dogs could possibly pass several viral and bacterial diseases to humans. Moreover, if a child or baby becomes the centre of attention, then dogs can display jealousy that can become aggressive. Or they might simply not be aware of their size and strength around small children. So I think you are entirely justified in voicing these concerns to your in-laws.
As they have not responded to your requests so far, I suspect you’ll have to issue some sort of ultimatum. This should be from both you and your husband together but need not be confrontational. Calmly explain that you are both genuinely worried about this and that you would like them to keep the dogs off her.
Hopefully, they will agree. But if not, tell them you may no longer be able to visit with your baby– and even though it could cause a family disagreement, you will have to stick to this.
If you have a problem you need help with, email Fiona by writing to help@askfiona.net for advice. All letters are treated in complete confidence and, to protect this privacy, Fiona is unable to pass on your messages to other readers. Fiona regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence.
