I AM 17 and live at home with my parents. My boyfriend is 22 and he and I have been going out together for more than two years now, and we’re very happy with each other. My parents, though, have never made a secret of the fact they don’t like him – and for no apparent reason other than the age gap between us.
They refuse to let him visit me at their house, other than to pick me up if we’re going out. However, I know he is right for me and I love him, and I think he feels the same way about me.
At the moment, he lives at home with his parents too, but he’s trying to find a flat to rent. He has a good job and earns good money, so he can afford it, although if he rents it on his own it would be a big chunk of his money. Therefore, when he has found a place, I plan to ask if I can move in with him. It will help him with the rent, and it will give me the freedom to be with him.
I am sure my parents will be angry about this. How do I break the news to them, without them going ballistic?
GC
FIONA SAYS: There’s a lot of uncertainty in these plans of yours, and from what you’ve written, I’m not at all convinced that you’ve even discussed them with your boyfriend. You say you’ve been together for two years, but there would appear to be a lot of uncertainty about your relationship too. It might well be that this is what is worrying your parents.
Before you tell your parents that you’re moving in with your boyfriend, I think I’d encourage you to be a bit cautious. So far, your boyfriend doesn’t have a flat and, given his age, I think he would be fortunate to find a landlord willing to rent one to him.
Even if he did find a place to rent, he’s given you no serious indication that he wants to share it with you. In fact, he doesn’t appear to have told you how he feels about you at all. You say you ‘think’ he feels as you do – but you don’t say he has told you he does, so how can you be sure? After two years together, wouldn’t it be a good idea to ask him how he feels about you, and what he thinks the future is for your relationship?
Rather than suggest to your parents that you are planning to move in with him, perhaps your efforts would be better spent in trying to find out just what it is that concerns them. It may be the age difference, but it might be that they are yet to be convinced that this young man really cares for you. Of course, it could be something else entirely, but unless you try to discuss it with them, you won’t know.
If you can get your parents talking then when the time does come for you to move out, it will be much easier to have the discussion. Show them that you’re prepared to listen to what they have to say, and they will start to see you as a mature, sensible young woman. When you do want to make a decision to move out, they are likely to be less concerned about how you will cope. Meanwhile, there’s no point in raising this possibly contentious issue with your parents, unless it’s a realistic possibility.
MY DAUGHTER IS SEEING MY BOSS’S BROTHER – BUT I KNOW HE’S A WASTE OF SPACE
I AM so worried about my daughter and nothing I say or do will get her to listen to me. She’s 21 now and she’s been going out with her boyfriend since she was 17. She just won’t see that this man is not good.
She started to go out with him shortly after her 17th birthday, and I am sure it is down to him that she failed her A levels. She was so infatuated with him, she just stopped working at them, even though she was predicted to do well.
He’s my boss’s brother, so I know a lot about him and what’s going on in his life. He’s now 30 and has been married all the time he’s been going out with my daughter.
He’s told her he’s divorced, but I know he’s still living with his wife. On top of that, I know he’s had several girlfriends while she’s been with him, although he’s dumped them when I told him I knew about them. There may, of course, be others I don’t know about – but why he persists with my daughter, I just don’t know. I think it may even be because he’s trying to upset me.
Nothing I say to her will make her wake up to the fact that this man is a waste of space. How do I make her see sense?
OF
FIONA SAYS: You cannot make someone see something they don’t want to see, and clearly your daughter only wants to see the positives where this man is concerned. You daughter must come to recognise for herself that this man is not treating her well. It may sound perverse, but I suspect she will do it a whole lot sooner if you stop making him seem attractive to her.
You’re doing that with your opposition to him, because it’s in the nature of most young people to want to rebel. It is hard to watch them make their mistakes, but sometimes you have to do it because it is the only way they learn. It’s part of a desire to prove themselves different to their parents, that many young people will take a stand entirely opposite to that of their parents.
So, try to be tolerant and meanwhile say nothing against this man, however tempting it is and however much you find out from your boss. Sooner or later, she is going to want more from this man than he wants or is able to give, and at that point she will start to question things.
She will need your love and support when she wakes up to what has been happening, so try not to voice your opposition any more but let her understand you will be there for her if she needs you.
If she thinks you will be thinking, ‘I told you so’, she is less likely to turn to you for help. So instead, tell her you give her your blessing to whatever she decides is best for her – and try to mean it – then stand back and let her get on with it. It will probably happen a whole lot sooner if you don’t make any further issue out of it.
Working with this man’s brother gives you an insight into his life most parents would never have. I would suggest you stop trying to find things out, stop listening to any stories or news about him, and simply steer clear of anything to do with him. You’re hurting yourself by knowing these details, so distance yourself – you already know he’s no good, so you don’t need to know anything else.
One day, your daughter will probably say, ‘Why didn’t you tell me?’ when she wakes up and realises how badly she’s been used. Your only answer to that can ever be, ‘Would you have listened?’
NEIGHBOUR KEEPS YELLING AT ME
IN MY street, there is a woman who has mental health problems. She lives alone and manages pretty well, and her sister is her primary carer. Her mother and my mother were great friends, so I found that I became involved with her too and used to pop in to see her, do bits of shopping sometimes, that sort of thing.
She was always fine with me, and I never had any problems, but during Covid I couldn’t go and see her. I tried to talk to her from a distance, but she never really seemed to understand what was going on.
Since then, every time she sees me, she screams at me. I avoid going past her house because she opens the window and yells down the street. She has said nasty things to other people about my husband and me and I am finding it all really upsetting.
SD
FIONA SAYS: If you can first accept that this woman is ill, her aggression will not seem so bad. I appreciate it is hard to ignore, especially if she shouts at you in the street, but try not to take things personally.
Sometimes people do turn against those that help them, especially if there is a change in routine. I’m sure your neighbours know her circumstances and will simply dismiss what she says. I think this is what you need to try and do too.
Her outbursts may well stop eventually anyhow. Have you tried to re-establish your regular contact, if that’s something you’d like to do? If you were able to offer to help once more and the former patterns were put back in place, this might help too (if you are comfortable doing so). If she won’t let you though, don’t take it too personally.
LOST MY SPARK SINCE COVID
I OFTEN feel I’m not the same person I was two years ago, pre-Covid. I used to be such an outgoing person and I loved being at events and taking part in things. I enjoyed making new friends and was often considered to be the life and soul of any party, but now doubt I ever will be that person again.
I still go to events and things, which I used to enjoy, but it’s not the same anymore. I see everyone else enjoying themselves and I wonder why I’m not. I just want to get home and hide away.
CD
FIONA SAYS: You’re not alone. Huge numbers of people are feeling the same way post-Covid. It’s had a strange effect on us all. Isolation, ill-health, trauma and more, are all things we’ve had to cope with over the last two years, and now, with the war in Ukraine, there seems to be no let up. All these things will inevitably lead to some depression.
For some people, it’s just a low-level depression that getting out in the fresh air and meeting up with people again can dispel. For others – and it seems you are perhaps one of these – a little more help is needed. Do please consider talking to your GP; perhaps some counselling or even a short course of anti-depressants might help.
It may be that you won’t feel like big parties and gatherings again. But if that is the case, I’m sure that in time you’ll find happiness and satisfaction being with others, perhaps in small groups. Smaller gatherings, where there is less pressure, might be a good place to start so you can build your confidence back up.
If you have a problem you need help with, email Fiona by writing to help@askfiona.net for advice. All letters are treated in complete confidence and, to protect this privacy, Fiona is unable to pass on your messages to other readers. Fiona regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence.
